The Dating World: Single Moms vs. Single Nothing

    I've always thought dating as a late twenty-something-year-old is hard, or rather challenging. Meeting someone who you can connect and be yourself with and have the same drive or goals can be as difficult as me running three miles straight.

   But as a single mother...  that's a whole other level of difficulty.

   I'm not pregnant, by the way.

   However, I was thinking about two good friends of mine who are single mothers actively in the dating world. And I use the term "actively" carefully...and with caution.

   Candice has been a single mother since 1998. Beth has been a single mother of two since 2010.  Since then, they have for sure had their shares of ups and downs dating. The last 7 years, we have shared our stories of dating and while they are completely different, they are so similar, too.

   Candice prefers a man with no kids. Beth prefers a man with kids. I prefer a man with no kids and no crazy ex-wife/girlfriend (too late for the later).

   Candice is a cougar at heart. Beth is a sugar baby. I just want someone on my level-get on it!

   First thoughts on meeting a single man:

• Candice: "Does he want my pants? Is he all about the booty?"
• Beth: "Is he a good role model?"
• Me: "Is there a ring? Does he have pretty eyes? If so, I'll have his baby."

   On accepting a first date:

• Candice: "Is he going to try to get in my pants?"
• Beth: "Can I have a conversation with this man?"
• Me: "Is he a player?"

   Go to outfit on a first date:

• Candice: "Jeans and black shirt because Castro told me that's the standard best! With boots."
• Beth: "Jeans and a nice shirt."
• Me: "No underwear." (Kidding, Mom)

   Best time to date:

• Candice: "Spring. That's when all the juices flow. Spring fever!"
• Beth: "Summer."
• Me: "Cinco de Mayo!"

   Go to date:

• Candice: "I don't prefer lunch. The last one lunch date I had, the guy had a black tooth."
• Beth: "Lunch."
• Me: "One drink. Then take me home. To my house that is, and you leave."

   When do you say the L word?

• Candice: "Depends on who it is. Maybe 6 months?"
• Beth: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE."
• Me: "Just let me be lonely tonight."

   When to meet your friends:

• Candice: "On the first date! If you don't like them, you got to go!!" 
• Beth: "I don't know. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time because I don't like or trust people."
• Me: "After the 20th date."

   When to meet your child(ren):

• Candice: "Typically-three months at least."
• Beth: "4-6 months to hang out and spend time."
• Me: "In the delivery room. Hopefully."

    Biggest turn on:

• Candice: "Job. Support yourself."
• Beth: "Job. Have your crap together."
• Me: "Laughter and being a best friend."

   Biggest turn off:

• Candice: "How they respond to me. No super country. Convo has got to flow."
• Beth: "Nasty teeth!"
• Me: "Liars! You sit on a throne of lies!"

   Biggest challenge in the dating world as single mom:

• Candice: "Meeting someone decent."
• Beth: "I'm too picky. I don't have feelings." (True. She's like a man.)

The biggest challenge that seems to be between these single moms versus the single nothing is time. The spontaneity of going out at the last minute is not as available to them like it can be for me. But, that goes for every mother I know. The spontaneity is gone! (P.S. Did you know that word has the "u" sound in it when you pronounce it?) Single mothers are no longer able to put them self first but their children come first, or at least with these women. Their dating life and their personal world comes second. As for me, if I don't put myself first I get ridiculed and lectured from Candice and Beth. But one thing that I know that has come from these women is the fact that they are indeed strong and independent. They know for sure what they want and don't want or need. As for me, I am still figuring that part out--because I can. They have been through experiences, pain, and personal growth that I may never understand or comprehend in my lifetime, and they hope I never do. Our dating world circumstances can be completely different, but the end goal is to find someone that can accept our personal best and most importantly our personal worst. Kids or no kids. In the end, we are just three women trying to survive. Same goal with slightly different priorities and routes to find our happy ending. It may include a man with four kids or may include me just being...me. Besides, I think we add a little bit of flavor to the world around us.

"You will all find love eventually."
"No I won't. I will cut his throat."

My Buddy and Me

   Can I just say that I am so thankful to have a married best friend? Well, all my best friends are married. But tonight, more specifically I am thankful for Meredith. It's nice to have that friend that you can just confess and indulge secrets with and she will always understand where you are coming from with each situation. Meredith may not always agree and plays a heck of a devil's advocate, but she helps me see each situation and person for what it truly is or can be.

   Tonight, like often, we were comparing relationships of being married to my dating life. We bounce frustrations, laughs, and ideas off one another. The last week or so I have been confused of finding my balance between of being the friend to Newbie to being the girl he is dating. Mine and Newbie's relationship started off as friends, getting to know one another. It started off with me not sure where I stood with him and figuring out what I wanted. With a strong connection, he was (and still can) read me better than most people can. Guarded and after some highs and lows over the summer, I began to push away him but keep a safe distance. Meredith came to me concerned that I was settling and reminded me to stay on guard at all times. Around August I guess it was when Newbie and I began to spend more time together. Small dinners here and there, movie nights with the DVR and a few talks later, things began to shift. I became more comfortable with Newbie and began to accept that we were more than "just friends." We were becoming those friends that our relationship started to turn into more. Not that things were intimate or all romance all the time. It was opposite of that. I almost felt like we bypassed the "romance" part and it all comfort and "relaxation" (I use that term loosely). Not quite a friend but am I "the girlfriend?" I expressed this to Newbie one night and he agreed--sometimes I am treated more like a buddy than a girl he is dating. Also, I can be closed off and shut down when I am feeling inferior to a situation. We talked about how we both wanted to have a foundation of friendship between one another before anything serious, but as I girl I wanted Newbie to express that he is genuinely interested in me more than just a friend.

    Ironically, the next day at church our pastor made a comment about relationships. He said that when it comes to relationships, people focus too much on the romance and not on building the relationship and friendship--the foundation that can make it or break it between two people. Did our pastor have the apartment bugged the night before? I could feel Newbie glaring at me and so badly wanting to say, "I told you." I just didn't even look at him. I took this as God saying, "Enjoy this time. Focus on me and I'll be the glue that can hold the relationship together."

    Fast forward to tonight. I was explaining to Meredith about my concerns (still) about finding the balance between friends and more than friends and where I stand in some aspects. It's not that I don't wonder if Newbie has feelings for me because I know he does.To a guy, he would be saying, "Um, isn't this enough? What else do you need from me?"  But what are the boundaries? It's been that moment of we are more than friends but not crazy exclusive.  Meredith made a comment tonight that made sense. Well, first she asked if I was PMSing (yes--obviously--you probably already thought that in your head). Then she said, "It's good to have a fun loving friendship like buddies. But there has to be a romantic relationship side of it too...otherwise, aren't you just friends?"

    My first thought was, "Yes! She gets it! I'm not crazy!"
    Then of course she hits me with, "But the fun part is really important so don't be upset about it."

   Dang it. She's right. What is so wrong with being with someone that you have fun with? Aren't the happiest couples the ones who can create fun out of nothing and find joy in just being together? Romance is nice-- a special date planned or little surprise but that's not everything. Yes, they are important but eventually it comes down to just being with someone that you want to spend time with. If it's over done then won't those little surprises not be so special anymore? Newbie is going to say I am over analyzing this (I'll be waiting for the text message tonight or tomorrow). But, I cannot be the only one that has felt like this. Growing as a couple, whether it is two friends or a loving relationship it takes work. It takes balance. It takes communication. Newbie says the best relationships shouldn't require a whole lot of work--it should come easily. I agree partly with this. It should be natural, but you should never quit or become lazy. You are praying and hoping that you are doing the right thing--trusting that is supposed to be, will be. Do I get frustrated when laying on the floor I am expecting a back rub but get a wet willy in my ear, or when I am tripped up coming out of a store because he loves the irritated look on my face? Often times, yes. But those moments of a quick peck on the head, a look he gives that can speak a thousand words and the laughter that comes from him because of my quips and dry humor speak more than anything. Tonight I have had to remind myself to enjoy these moments. I would rather have a friend that can make me laugh and bring tears to my eyes because he knows the intimacy of my heart than a relationship that is built on the fluff of how the world says we should date. So, I will take the nights of pizza on the floor, HORSE on Sunday afternoons, and the 3 AM talks of the dreams of our future (water rescue swimmer? artist?) because from this I have gained a special friend that has taught me to take life as it comes and live it to it's fullest.

    As for Meredith, I am glad that she can remind me that while I sound logical in my head, PMS does insane things to a girl's mind. Where's the wine and chocolate?

When God Blesses You with Pregnant Friends

   Who doesn't love a pregnant belly? Well. Let me take that back. I saw some unattractive pregnant bellies today at the Southern Christmas Show. However, my friends have all been some of the most beautiful pregnant ladies I have ever seen. I'm not saying that because they are my friends but they all have truly carried their pregnancies effortlessly.

   Having pregnant friends hasn't been the easiest transition for me. I always had this picture that my friends and I would be pregnant together. But, when they all got married before me I kind of kissed that idea goodbye. So, I embraced each wedding shower and wedding event with love, excitement, and happiness for my friends. I have had to learn how to do this with baby showers, now. When Meredith first found out she was pregnant with Ben, I was so excited because I knew that this was something that she and Bryan had been praying for to happen in their life. I loved watching Mer's belly grow each month, see and feel Ben move, and loved accompanying Mer to dinners at Wade's at least once a week. When Benny Boo came into our world, mine and Mer's relationship changed. It took extra work, extra planning, and a whole lot more communication between me and her so our friendship wouldn't take a hit. I had to learn to be more understanding that Mer's priorities had changed, her schedule was no longer like mine and she was now a mother.

    Having one friend with a child--I was ok. I still had my other friends that were married but without kids. I was (and still find myself behaving this way) selfish in wanting my friends to myself. Then, Lindsey found out she was pregnant with sweet Ellie. When Lindsey blurted out to me one day at school that she was pregnant, I didn't believe her. It took her 15 minutes to convince me. Lindsey and I would dream about what little Ellie would look like, what her personality would become and how I could not wait to buy her sweet outfits. I was dreading Lindsey going out on maternity leave because she was going to be gone from January until Spring Break that year. When Lindsey had sweet Ellie and I was self declared as the "single hot aunt," I knew our friendship would be different but also sweeter. I saw Lindsey struggle with coming back to work and therefore, stocked her desk drawer full of M&Ms that we demolished in less than two weeks of her being back. What can I say, I am sympathy eater.

   Within two weeks, Camille and Lauren told me they were both pregnant. Camille became one of my closest friends in NC. When my time ended in NC, Camille was the only friend that continued to make an honest, true effort in staying in touch with me. Camille and I used to joke about us becoming mothers and how we would have to support one another together because it was going to be the only way we would get through the pregnancy and parenthood. When Camille called me with the news of her pregnancy, I cried tears of sweet joy. Camille decided to be the brave one and have a child before me. I was so happy! Then came Lauren. Lauren was always my fun friend. The one that I found myself getting into trouble with, or really we just dodged trouble. We never got caught. She was my rendezvous friend. Random dinners, coffee dates, and waxes was our go to. When Lo told me she was pregnant, it hit me so much harder than my other friends' pregnancies. With her, it became reality that my friends are growing up, and I am still a sitting duck. Also, Lo having a kid is silly to me because she is such the child at heart. But I know that she will be one of the most loving, compassionate mothers I will ever know. Plus, seeing her little "kickball belly" grow has been amazing. You can't even tell she pregnant from behind--it's insane.

 

   Finally, Valen told me one night out that she is planning on trying to have a baby in the next year. I was floored, and I am ashamed to say that it wasn't a pleasant floored. I was crushed. My final baby-less friend is wanting to have a baby. I will be surrounded by babies. What in the heck am I going to do with my life? I need to move and make new friends. I told Valen that when it's my time to finally have my long awaited bachelorette weekend, all my friends will be pumping-and-dumping while I just enjoy my bottle of pink Champagne..alone.

   It didn't take me long to feel convicted of my attitude towards my friends. While the transition has been hard, I realized I need to be happy and enjoy the blessing of having pregnant friends. I started to ask myself how have I been blessed with being surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers? In the last year, I have learned so much about a pregnant body that I did not even know existed (this leading me to my current fear of going through labor). They will be able to offer me so much advice and wisdom when it is my turn (because despite what Newbie says, I do want children...one day). I should be so lucky to be surrounded by best friends that have experience as being excellent mothers. I have watched my friends who have been wonderful friends become wonderful mothers. I have gained so much more respect for these women. They juggle being a mother, a wife, and full time job but they always have time for me and my crazy antics. They listen, they encourage, and they sometimes even indulge in my fantasies. I find myself being envious of my friends and their life--coming home to a husband and a child that they love unconditionally. I envy the chaos and the beautiful mess of their life. On the contrast, my friends have been quick to remind me to enjoy my time not being tied down. They live through my dating life, my random adventures, and freely offer advice on helping me calculate my next move. They are still my cheerleaders, as I am also theirs. So, in the next year, right before I turn thirty, I will savor the moments of sweet baby smells, little laughs, the first birthdays, the inquisitive questions from Ben and enjoy being the hot single aunt. It won't last forever.

  

  

Compliment War

   Have you ever thought why women have such a hard time taking a compliment? My friend AG texted me this tonight (we often share "I wonder..." thoughts). She complimented someone tonight on her shoes, and the girl replied, "Oh, they're so dirty." Why couldn't the girl take the compliment? And, I have always wondered that same thing about women in general. When someone compliments us on our hair, an outfit, or even how we handled a situation, we often immediately reject this compliment and try to come up with a reason why it is flawed or actually not good enough.

   One time I complimented a really good friend on how good she looked (she had been working out). She instantly found a way to reject my comment and turn it into something negative about herself ("I'm still not at my goal weight"). I gave the same compliment again. She responded with a similar comment from before. I finally said, "Taking the flippin compliment! You are making me so mad!"

   I think it's hard for women to take a compliment because we have always been taught to be humble. Don't be a prideful, high class attitude woman. But you should have confidence--but not too much, or you will become intimidating and cocky. Plus, we are always comparing ourselves to someone else--thinking they are better than us and we have to reach that status. For example, I am and still obsessed with the Kardashian butt. I know I have a large butt; however I want "that Kardashian butt." So instead of focusing on what I have and working with it, I look at what I think it should look like.

  We also have that "bully" inside of us. I'm not talking about the you had a mother or father who always put you down and told you that you were ugly and not worth the time. I'm talking about the little voice inside of us that says, "Nah. She's just saying that. She doesn't mean it. You don't look that good." But you do! You most certainly do!

   So, ladies, what can you do to change this attitude? Accept the compliment. Take it. I know it is hard, but I promise, no one is going to think any less of you for saying, "Thank you!" If you reject it, you will come across as rude. If someone didn't think it was worth the compliment, then they wouldn't have wasted their breath.

   My mother has gone through a huge body transformation in the last two years. She had lap band surgery and had a total body lift. During the total body lift surgery, the doctor removed 11 pounds of skin. 11 POUNDS OF SKIN. How crazy is that? She went from weighing over 200 pounds to getting down below 170. She looks amazing! But, when she started having to dress her new body the image of herself was distorted. So many people complimented her on her new body,  how good she looked, and how happy they were for her. My mother always responded with, "I still have a long ways to go. I want to do my arms next. Or I want to get some work done on my face." One day I asked her why couldn't she just take a compliment? Just accept it. And she told me, "Jessica, when I look in the mirror, I still see the old overweight Becky. I just can't accept that what I see now is really me." I took her into my closet and gave her a cardigan wrap (that is clingy) to wear to a funeral that day. She told me, "This isn't going to fit. It's not going to work. I'm too big." I practically had to wrestle her into the wrap. And would you know, she looked stunning. I told her, "Show off your new body. And when someone compliments you today, you take it and smile. You will feel so much better about yourself." A few hours later she returned home and said I was right (duh!). She had so many people compliment her on her "new body" and how much they loved the cardigan (score!). I told her she needs to start dressing for her new body image and take the compliments that come her way from here on out.

   When we take a compliment, it fills our bucket. We feel good about ourselves. When someone compliments me, I try to return the compliment to either them or someone else that day. One day at school I wore a light blue wrap shirt. One student told me, "Ms. Castro! You look good in blue!" I smiled and said thanks. Later on that day, I had  teacher approach me and say, "That color looks so good on you. You should wear it more often." I instantly responded with, "I know! Thanks!" The teacher started laughing and said that I was confident in thinking that. I then had to explain that it wasn't that I was thinking high of myself but that someone else had already complimented me that day on my shirt so I needed to take a hint to wear that color more often. It wasn't that I was trying to put myself on a pedestal, but rather I was taking a comment to heart.

So ladies, when someone tells you that your makeup looks good that day, or they loved how you styled your hair-say thank you. It's the polite thing to do. Let's teach our daughters to accept compliments and learn to give them in return. Live a life of love

 

*Side note: If you Pinterest "Daily Odd Compliment" you will laugh and find that so many of those can apply to so many of your friends. I've already sent out four tonight.

This may be the time, but it certainly isn't the place.

Two words: Social Media.

I mean, honestly, life was so much more simpler and less confusing before Facebook. I remember when FB first came about and you could only be friends with people from your college. Then, you could be friends with people from other colleges--but you must have a college email account. Then the big WHAM happened...

It became open to anyone outside of college. Soon my friend list grew from a few hundred to over a 1,000. My pictures became very public and I had to soon lock down my profile. People became nosy. People became stalkers. What was once a fun way to connect with people has soon spiraled to addiction, dishonesty, and causing way more drama than Mark Zuckerberg ever imagined happening, I am sure.

Facebook can become very addicting--to find yourself scrolling through your newsfeed out of boredom or to see what mood someone is in--high on life one day, hating life the next. And heaven forbid the server is down or it's slow. I found myself haphazardly stalking people, without even really realizing it. I was spending more time on there, "connecting" with people, posting statuses constantly, and tagging and commenting on statuses...all...day...long. My conversations began to center around "Did you see her status?... How are they friends? Who is this girl in the picture with him?" I was driving myself crazy. As I started limiting my time on there, I noticed how so many people share such personal information on FB, especially my, achem, family (I'm sure I will get backlash from this or a nice little FB inbox message in the next day or so). When a website turned from something that was fun to connect and share pictures with others quickly became a public display of too much information and drama that should be kept behind closed doors. So, for a month or so over the summer I took a break from FB. I had to get out of the world that was sucking me in and dragging me down. And oh my word. It was so refreshing. I found my attitude had changed. I wasn't consumed with what someone's status meant. I liked that people didn't know where I went or what I was doing. Life became simple and quiet. I didn't like how public my life became through social media. And it wasn't just me that was posting stuff--I was getting caught up in family affairs. Others were asking me what in the heck was going on with my family and FB and I loved saying, "I have no clue. I haven't been on in a while." Smile, then walk away.

In August I reactivated my account so that I could keep up with new friends from Alabama. Even then, I really and still don't post a whole lot on FB. My family does enough of that for me. If I do post, I try to make it light hearted or encouraging. But, the last couple weeks I have become completely disturbed, appalled, and disgraced at what has unfolded in front of me and the rest of the FB world. So let's be honest here, shall we?

FB is the not the place to air your (or our) dirty laundry. Calling someone out in a vague status is being a coward. It shows you have no respect for that person or for yourself. Painting an image of someone you truly are not through pictures, statuses, and snippy comments makes you look trashy and pitiful. Once upon a time, when you had a problem with someone, you contacted that person through telephone or went to see them. However, today if you are upset with someone you call that person out in front of 800 viewers--more if you tag that person in the status. Doing this on FB is now the normal. And we wonder why our children are dramatic, critical, negative, and feel neglected? What example are we setting? I mean, it makes perfect sense. Why should our children learn to work out problems or situations through spoken words face to face when they see their parents and other adults throw up a status about the latest drama we have found ourselves centered in. When one does this, you are only drawing attention to yourself and the negativity of your attitude. If you want the spotlight, find it somewhere else off line.

I completely understand that FB is a free access, voice what you feel, and you may even tell me to go else where after reading this. But let's be honest, would you want someone coming into your house, rummaging through your laundry and wastebasket? It's the same concept. There's a reason the trash people come once a week to haul away the garbage--it begins to stink and the stench can soak into your sofa and become your aura that no one wants to smell. Writing a paragraph of how you're holding your head high, taking the high road, and going to let others kiss your arse as you walk away--no one is following you. And the ones following you have their noses so far up your rear end they don't know where their own starts or ends. They feel like they have a voice in the current situation, but they don't. I barely even have a voice. But, let's just remember this: when we display such public statuses, comments, drama--you will be judged. People will talk. People will wonder. People will lose respect for you. Your character becomes tarnished. Your reputation will always arrive before you do. You say you live an open book life. Really? Hmm. Because I don't recall receiving the phone call or the message--but instead, find out on FB. Thanks for being honest with FB before notifying me of this new found life of living. And let's just go ahead and say (because God knows I have lost count how many times I have seen this quote posted on FB), "Only God will judge me." You're right. He will, and He is right now. May He have mercy on your soul because let's not also forget that the Bible does call us to walk and live a life of love, be humble, and speak kindness. Where is this at? Apparently not in my newsfeed lately.

I'm not perfect. God knows I have my imperfections and I struggle daily. I screw up each day. But, I have enough common sense to not make it a public notion. I am pretty much a tight lipped, no comment person. No one's family is perfect. My family has seen it's share and is currently in turmoil. It hurts to see the ones that I have loved for the last 28 years become divided and so hateful to one another. I have lost relationships with some of the most precious people in my life. Do I love them any less because of their actions? Absolutely not. Did I love my dad any less when he had an affair and was absent from my life for five years? Nope, not all. Did I love my brother any less when he went through his dark storm for years and years? No, my love only increased. Am I disappointed at how situations are being handled? Absolutely. Having it thrown out on FB for all the world to see the bickering is not fair. It's not fair to our family and it's not fair for others to see. I am sure we are a comedy act that at night, as you lay down with your wife or husband you say, "Good Lord. That family. Let's pray now for them." And yes, pray for us. Maybe even fast or two would help. If you had to block a couple of my family members from your timeline--that's ok because I have done the same.

Facebook. If it was removed from your life for a few days, how would your social life change? Are you living life so that you can post your next glorified status? Or, are you searching for ways to be encouraging and positive? I can promise you this--those people that rarely post a status, pictures, or comments have a life they are living outside of Facebook. That life is so much more rewarding, and exciting than the endless character number count in the status block.

So, let me just apologize for any unnecessary statuses or comments you have had to read or may read in the upcoming days.

Do you think Lifetime would be interested in creating a mini-series? I think we would have a winner.

*side note update* After having this post up for five minutes, I had a couple people ask me why don't I just call out the names of who I am talking about because am I not doing the same thing, writing a vague blog about those people? One: I have class so I am not going to stoop to that level. Two, those that read this know who they are. Three: slander. Four: this is a blog post, not a FB status. Blogs are meant to express thoughts and feelings; posts are MEANT to be short little quips.

A Lady of Security. Give me one week.

   Tonight, I'm toning down the dating scene commentary. Things have been low key for a while. So, I thought I would move in a different direction tonight.

    Over the summer, my mom gave me a slew of books. Being the avid book collector and reader, I was excited. I am blessed to have a mother that loves to read and share with me books she has been reading or have been recommended to her. One book that she gave me was Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. At first I thought, "Great. Another 'Christian dating guide book.' Thanks, Mom. I can't wait to start reading about being patient and waiting for Mr. Right." Total sarcasm of course- and I'm not downing Christian dating books. Sometimes, they just come across as self help and they all start to say the same thing. Be patient! God has the one picked for you. Put God first. You are beautiful in God's eyes. Pray, pray, pray. This is good, true and everything else. But I wanted more in depth questions answered. I wanted to learn more about having a heart for Him. I wanted to bypass all the usual junk that is feed to Christian women, especially young women. I wanted a book that would hit my heart hard and cause me to think. I have heard of Lady in Waiting but never made an effort in reading it...that is, until this summer.

   Reading Lady in Waiting has opened my eyes (and heart) to God's promises for me and showed me that I can easily compromise those promises without even realizing it if I'm not careful. It has caused me to raise awareness in my own life and challenged me to face some dark areas and questions. Yes, I asked God to show me a devotional that would hit hard and He delivered. Each chapter I read always seems to be an area I am struggling with at the time. I haven't read it lately because I have been letting other areas dictate my spare time and take over my quiet time (I will expand on this in a minute). Tonight, I actually had some quiet time to myself so I started to read where I left off at, which was being a Lady of Security.

  At first I thought, "Ok. This won't be bad. I'm pretty secure in who I am." Wrong. First question was Why do women tend to go after the guys? I've always wondered that. Why do we chase? Why do we pursue them? It's exhausting! And obviously, its about being insecure. It can have such a hold on a woman's heart and prevent her from experiencing joy in her current situation. We look for security in a man, but they can't provide the security like God can. We become clingers. Women cling to a guy that she is dating for fear that she will lose him. One time Newbie asked me why I wasn't honest about something I thought and I told him, "It's because I am afraid that if I am honest, I'll lose you." Pathetic, but true. Why should I be scared to be honest? Obviously, I was putting my hope in him, not in God. Kendall and Jones discuss how insecurity can cause one to be jealous and cause unrealistic expectations. Guilty of both of these, daily. I get jealous when time isn't being spent with me. I question things I see on social media or hear. My mind starts to race and I start to get anxious inside and feel like I am not adequate. Then, I hear a voice that says, "Stop, Jessica." I know I'm not the only woman that feels this way--I have had several tell me they completely understand. Women then start to chase the men and (we) feel that (we) must show our love for him in greater and greater ways. We become a manipulator and a maneuver. A manipulator is one who puts herself in situations, places, and times in hopes to get his attention. She may do something out of her heart but there is often ulterior motives, such as getting attention from him. I am more of a maneuver. This was hard for me to admit. Kendall and Jones describe how a woman may cook, wash his clothes or do thoughtful act for a man in hopes to show her love/liking for him-surely doing these things I can win his "like!" They bluntly write When a woman does something really nice for a certain guy, he usually does not spend the rest of the day thinking about her unselfish service (he may be accustomed to receiving). The woman may begin to feel used.

  Wait. You mean he doesn't dwell over that message I sent him? He doesn't brag about how I brought him dinner when he was under the weather. Nope.  Amen. I need to read that again. We think, "Well, I cooked him dinner! I sent him a good morning text! Why isn't returning the favor? One-for-one right?" The true question is what can I really do to win his "like?" Nothing. Now, I don't think these little acts are wrong or that you shouldn't do them--if you have a right motive. But am I doing it because it's bringing honor to Him or because I want "him" to notice that I can throw a casserole together? If I continue to maneuver my way through a relationship, I will have to maneuver to keep him and the relationship in motion. Just that thought makes me tired. I do think some guys appreciate the acts of kind service, and when they do they should express it authentically. But, girls, we cannot continue to serve him with selfish motives or he will come to expect them each time and will leave us feeling like we don't measure up. Will I continue to do kind things for him? Sure-but I need God to show me if my motives are pure or intentional. If we continue to be the manipulator or maneuver, we create situations that drive us crazy that will hinder a growing relationship that God may have brought together. God doesn't need my help. He's got this stuff together, where as I am finding myself scrambling around, pretending like I know what I'm doing but really--I'm a chaotic mess. I don't need to ruin a blessing.

    Really though, who should a woman compare herself to? It's hard when we see a friend acceptance on his FB wall of another attractive women. You want to so badly go digging through her pictures, find out where she lives, what she does, and try to figure out how they know each other. Restrain, ladies. It's tempting (and I'm totally guilty of doing that in the past). But, that just goes back to being insecure. Where is my perspective? Where does your insecurity fall? I know where mine does.

   With that being said, our pastor has asked our church to fast for a week and be in prayer for our country, burdens in our personal life, and our church. I decided to not fast from only one meal a day but from Facebook for a week. I easily spend at least an hour a day on Facebook (not at once) but long enough that I need to refocus this week. It's going to be hard. Besides, the only thing that honestly happens on my news feed are pictures of babies, recipes, and football commentary bashing. It'll all be there when I return. So, loves, I shall return in one week.

Call to Me, and I will show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

Jeremiah 33:3

Flag! Don't Throw Caution to the Wind!

I'm quite the observer--people person watcher. Put me in a bar and I will size each person up and tell you their strengths and insecurities. It's my favorite game to play-- to create these scenarios and fake conversations with a friend with what's going down in a public place. There is so much you can learn from just watching people.

And one thing I noticed are the signs of a crazy girl. They even have that look in their eye. It's a wild, wide eyed look. Or its-a-lot-of-makeup-because-I'm-hiding-something look. I had a lot of guy friends growing up in high school, college and even after college. I loved hearing their dating nightmares and stories. Some were so mind blowing, I thought, "Do these girls truly exist? This cannot be true!"

Oh, but they do exist. One came across my path one night at the end of summer. Once I realized who she was, it all clicked.

Candice and I were out one night for some dinner and drinks. After a while, we were talking about what qualities a girl has that makes them intimidating for a guy. Not having much to choose from a place of dinning at the moment, we chose the best we could to approach. Candice dared me to approach one group, claiming I wouldn't do it. Don't tell me I won't do something because I will prove you wrong. So I approach these guys and proceed to talk to them and ask them questions. Not even being remotely interested in them physically, we ended up just carrying on a casual conversation. They were from The Springs and we ended up knowing some of the same people. Next, a girl approaches and throws herself into the middle of our conversation.

Rule #1-Do not throw yourself into the middle of a conversation. That is rude. Please don't prop your boobs and your body in the middle of a group of people because you want to make your presence known. We got it. Step back. Your perfume is killing me.

She instantly introduces her self as "Steve's" girlfriend. Well, hi to you "Steve's girlfriend." You look a little young, but ok. She isn't sure about my lack of being intimidating by her boobs so she stalks off. She returns composed and again, throws herself back into the conversation, but with her body draped over her boyfriend.

Rule #2-There is no need for the draping. You stated plain as day that he is your boyfriend. I am not even interested. Believe me. Besides, my own red flags were thrown up in my mind about him that you are obviously blinded to.

As we are were all talking I could feel her eyes just looking me up and down.

Rule #3-Don't stare. That's rude. I know you are sizing me up. But a true classy woman sizes other women up by being polite, warm, and charming. You my dear are being a ninny.

Knowing I need to charm my panties off of her, I try to bring her into conversation. As I am midway telling a story, she blurts out, "I know you but you don't know me."

Oh whoa. Wait-what? You never, ever start off saying that to someone you just met. I started racking my brain, trying to figure out how I knew her--her face didn't seem familiar, her name didn't ring a bell, she was obviously younger than me...

I begin to question her how she knew me. She starts off by saying Dorman. Right. Dorman has 3,000 students and that was 10 years ago. I was a quiet, reserved, sheltered girl in high school. Next. That's not it.

She then says, "You were best friends with Suttles." (Suttles was my best friend in high school, college, and still a very dear friend of mine til the day)

The conversation continues like this:
Me: "Oh yeah! Sutt Butt! Now, how do you know him again and know me? I'm still confused."
Steve's Girlfriend: "I went to Clemson with him. He talked about you all the time. I remember when you used to visit him and how you two were always together at Dorman."
Me: (still trying to remember a time I may have met this girl...nope) "Ohhh. Yeah. I used to take weekend trips down to visit him when I could. We've been best friends since we were 16. Did you hang out with Sutt in Clemson?"
Steve's GF: "Yeah. I was like his little sister!"
Me: "Oh really? Because I don't remember you being around." (whoops--sometimes, the words just come out)
Steve's GF: "Well, we just partied together. I guess you didn't party when you came down."
Me: "Yeah, not really. We liked to spend time together you know, visiting, not being drunk all weekend."
(The more she talks about her spending time with Sutt in Clemson, she starts to sound very familiar... I let her continue to talk)
Steve's GF: ."...but then he started dating Lauren. How come you two never dated? You are so much better than her."

Rule #4- Never cut down another man's wife or girlfriend, unless you have a legitimate reason to diss her. But even then, if you claim the man to be one of your close friends, you don't hate on her in public. You keep that crap private. Congrats--you just let me know you are jealous of her and trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth. But nope. I am much smarter than you, Blondie.

Me: "Oh no! Sutt and I were just best friends. We didn't want to ruin the relationship. But he is so happy with Lauren. She seems really sweet and good for Sutt. They called me on the way back from Charleston the weekend he proposed to tell me the good news before it hit Facebook. I was so excited for him!"
Steve's GF: (taken back that I didn't fall into her diss trap and that I was--shocking--happy for Sutt and that he never shared such details with her) "Oh. Well, did you get invited to the wedding? Because I didn't."
Me: "Yep. I cried--it was such a good wedding."
Steve's GF: "Oh did you wish it was you?" (touché, touché)
Me: "No, because again, it was one of my best friends getting married."

Rule #5- You obviously still have some unresolved feelings about this whole situation. And the fact that you knew all about mine and another friend's relationship, and so many facts about us--freaks even me out.

She is stumped at this point. As I am staring at her, I figure out exactly who this girl is. I instantly start to end our conversation and get the heck out of dodge. As I am leaving, I tell her it was nice to meet her and her boyfriend (who I think isn't being true to his true colors if you get my drift).

I call Sutt the next day and tell him about meeting this gem of a woman. Before I can finish my explaining, he is dying laughing because he knows exactly who this crazy girl. When Sutt was at Clemson, he admitted to hanging out with her. He said she always had a crush on him and was jealous of me (flag! flag!). One night, she broke into Sutt's apartment while he was sleeping and climbed into bed with him...without letting him know she was coming over.

Yep. Read that last sentence again. Who flippin' does that? Who breaks into a guy's apartment, unannounced, and climbs into bed with him, and thinks it's ok? Sutt said he about crapped on himself. Who wouldn't if you go to bed alone and find a warm body next to you in the middle of the night?

Ladies. Don't do this. Take a hint. Don't make a relationship out to be something that it isn't. And remember, guys talk. I have now successfully put a name with the face and know you, my dear, are not normal.