I like you, but I love me.

    What a crazy last week or two has been. I knew when May hit, my social life would take a hit. With state testing out of the way and now planning on just what the heck I am going to do with my 21 sidekicks for the next three weeks in full swing, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. But I love it. I love that I know I have put another successful, crazy-fun third grade year behind me. I love that I can look forward to two and half months of lazy summer days of beach and lake trips. However, I hate that I will be having to say goodbye to some precious faces this year. I can't even think about that, honestly.

    With all the craziness that comes with teachers finishing up the school year, I forgot what it was like to be dating someone during this time. Last year, I was on my own so I just forged ahead. I would come home, not speak to anyone, pour a glass of wine and just veg out. Sounds kind of sad, pathetic, and lonely now that I think about it. BUT, at the end day--I just needed silence. A year later, I have a boyfriend that lives over 500 miles away who's schedule is completely opposite from mine and we have found ourselves in a rut. Conversations have come short and quick. The hour time difference has interrupted my sleep. The constant traveling has me keeping track of Newbie in my phone calendar and where he is each week. I find myself more irritable and Newbie has found himself--well-- not really sure where he is finding himself right now.

    It's hard to put someone else first when you are so used to just doing your own thing. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone that you care for but you haven't been in a true relationship in a long time-- you forget some things. For me, I focused so much on finding myself in the last year that I have become stubborn and set more in my ways. We find ourselves doing what is best for us, doing whatever we want to do and in the process we are hurting someone we truly care for in the process, without even really realizing it. I think this is the same for Newbie, too. I expect him to already know that on Wednesdays are the longest days of my life and that's when I need the most love and understanding. I expect him to know that May becomes a crazy time of year for me that comes with an irritable attitude when all I really want is just a unexpected surprise to put a pep in my step. I expect him to know that my silence doesn't mean I am angry but that I'm just too tired to really think or talk. (And now that I think about it, I think all those previous statements can be related to any teacher during this time of year. So, God bless husbands and boyfriends during this time. Hang on and just be the most kind, understanding, patient, and supportive man you can be! You will be greatly rewarded for your honest efforts...wink wink)

     Anyway, back on topic. I think there are some things that Newbie has come to expect of me. He expects me to be ok when we go all day without talking until that night because our schedules conflict. I've learned a round of golf means silence for six hours straight. My loathe of needy men that constantly text and call has turned into, "Well, I'll just call her later on tonight if I don't fall asleep...I'll text her when I get out of this meeting, three hours later."  Like I tell Newbie: it's his world and we all just live in it. So, we have been learning how to give and take in a relationship where we are not sure how else to give full effort without compromising who we are as a person and without hurting the other. I like you a lot, but I love me more so at what point do I say enough is enough? Priorities. I guess the big question has been lately, "What else is there to do to keep this long distance relationship going?" I feel like we have exhausted texts and snapchat to death. Newbie kept repeating over and over, "I'm not there to take you to dinner. I'm not there to take you to get coffee or take you out for the night." And, no he's not. But I guess that's where one just has to get creative. Thankfully I don't mind being the third wheel with my married friends so I just tag along. But those dates and nights are missed and unfortunately, there just isn't anything to do about it.

    I'm not a quitter. I'm actually the opposite. People have told me to stop fighting because the fight is over and I'm just throwing empty punches. It's like that image of that kid that is fighting and the parent just wraps his/her arms around their child until they finally stop swinging and just sink to the floor. Ok, well that was maybe a little too dramatic but you get my point. I'm not walking away from something that had great potential and still does. But I am trying to find my stand for myself and for Newbie. More effort needs to be put in on one side and less effort on the other--the common balance. Along with that--communication. Something that most men do not want to do and what most women suck at doing because we think men can read our minds. If anything, I have become more honest and have learned to speak up instead of harboring resentment in my heart.

   What have I learned from all of this? To be patient. Keep my head high. Be honest but speak with love. Try to speak positivity into the relationship. Stay guarded. Continue to love me and what is to be--will eventually...be.

Just another reason to love fall.

Most people do Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday. Let's call today "Memory Monday!" Below is a picture of me and Val the night Lauren went into labor.Val is one of my last "babyless" friends that has been to my go to let's-get-Jean-Icees pool girl and spontaneous drinks after a grueling day of third grade teaching. Her husband, Tony, has been a close friend since high school that I love like a brother and I get treated like the little sister. Last October we were out one night and I had a prediction for Val and Tony: they would be pregnant in the spring of 2014. All my friends laughed and told me to shove it because they were growing tired of my baby predictions (and may I say for the record, I have been correct with each one). Tony and Val laughed and said, "No. Maybe but seriously doubt it." In the back of my mind I thought, "Just wait. I'm calling it now!"

 As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.

 

 

Fast forward to about a month or so ago. Val had texted and suggested we grab lunch one Saturday. I immediately called her up and said, "Cribbs. Poor Educators Saturday. Bottomless Mimosas. We're going." (3 Saturdays out of the month, you can find me at Cribbs in a corner booth between 11-2--never miss an opportunity for bottomless mimosas). When Val arrived, she had a bottle of Peach Moscato--a rarity to find. She claimed Tony found it at the store the other day and bought me a bottle. On the back I noticed a piece of paper taped to it. I asked, "Where you find this? At the half priced liquor discount store?" As I ripped off the paper, there was a picture of her ultrasound (side note: is it bad that a friend announced her pregnancy to me with wine?). I immediately burst into tears--and shocked I didn't drop the bottle. I quickly reassured Val they were tears of joy and not of sadness (refer back to my post when four friends had a baby within months of one another). She hugged me and we stood there in my kitchen and cried. I cried because here were two of my best friends-about to bless me with being a "hot aunt"...again--but at the same time, another change and added blessing to our little group of friends. Val explained to me that she had to tell me before going to Cribbs because she knew I would call her out on not having a mimosa (I'm not that big of a nagger-promise).

 

I continued to ask the usual questions-"How far along are you? How is Tony taking it? How are you feeling? Who else knows? When is your due date?" When she told me how far along she was, I realized that "the night" was in February some time. Val made the comment, "When I peed on that stick and it was positive- I thought of you, Jess." Uh. Awkward. Why? The night Lo was in labor, Val had gone to the doctor earlier that day and her options for getting pregnant. I didn't know this. The doctor had told her that her best bet for getting pregnant would either be that night or in the next few nights. Then, when I made the comment about her making a baby that night--she said I called it and was right. Of course I was! Good gracious I am amazingly good.

 

So, here's my congrats to Val and Tony! I am so excited for you two! I can't wait to see what a southern blonde hair and a Italian bambino baby looks like!

 

 A friend told me the other day, "You know Jess, every time I see one of your friends get married or is have a baby, I just think of you and how supportive you are...and...well, I kind of feel bad for you." Don't feel bad for me. When I told Newbie about Val and Tony, he asked if I was ok. Believe me, I am enjoying these moments. Seeing the light in their eyes and the glow that comes from my friends as they hold their child and kiss them goodnight--you can't take that way. Watching my friends love more intense and so much more immensely for such a tiny person gives me hope and I can't help but think to myself, "I cannot wait until my friends can see that in my eyes and soul..."

 

(in five years, at least.)