It's over.

Two words that can turn any one's world upside down in so many contexts. It can mean that the life storm has passed and calm waters are ahead. It can mean that a event is done and you sadly missed the whole show. It can be said in the meaning that the week is done-- and it's the weekend! Or, that the weekend is over. So sad.

Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.

Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.

Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.

Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.

At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.

Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.

In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?

I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)

So, what are we to do? Of course,  we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?

Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.

When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.

At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.

It's not being called high maintenance. It's called having standards.

    I love scenarios. Let's set the scene, shall we?

    Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.

   Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.

   So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?

   I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?

   Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..

   So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?

   But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.

   Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"

   High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.
  

"You want me to cook? You could at least text back."

    It's nothing new to know that I am dating again. After my five year relationship that ended out of no where this past October, I am finally entering back into the dating world. It has been a slow, grueling process. It wasn't something I was looking forward to doing again. The last time I dated was in the summer of 2007, at the ripe age of 22. Fast forward to 2013, at the age of 28, I knew it was going to be a whole different ball game. I knew it would be crappy. With all my friends married and starting families, I was on my own. Now, don't get me wrong-- I have a great support system and sounding board. My friends are always eager to hear about dates, meet these young gents I have dated, and encourage me to move on to the better (or that's what I tell myself).

     Going back to when I was 22, I was dating for fun- nothing serious. I wasn't interested in settling down. I was just getting started with my career. And "the boy" was still in school. When we first met, it was instant. There was no game. There were no questions. Our first date was my last "first date" for the next five years. It came so easy. Our weekends were spent burning up I-85 visiting one another, going out to Sammy's with everyone, and then busting tail during the week for school work. It was a serious relationship, but always care-free fun.

     Now, entering the dating scene at the age of 28 is quite scary when you haven't really dated around in a while. It becomes this whole game. I found myself asking questions like, "Do I respond now? How should I word this? I don't want to be that girl." (No lie- I have once seen a girl text a guy 10 times in less than 5 minutes because he wasn't responding immediately. One text read, "I do NOT enjoy being ignored." Uh, you are being ignored for a reason. Back off, crazy.)  Every move you make in the dating world becomes a calculated move. Every move I make, I have to see it from a guy's point of view. As Steve Harvey says, "Act like a lady. Think like a man." (Great movie by the way.) And this is when close guys friends become great advice givers. Play hard to get. Back off for a little while--he'll come around. He wants what he can't have. Then eventually it ends up with, He doesn't deserve you.

Right.

   I find myself constantly going back and forth with re-reading text messages, replaying conversations in my head, thinking back to situations and questioning my sanity if it's just me and I'm out of the loop. I am too dang old to be playing this game.

   Now, enter my beautiful sweet friend MB who is 22. After a Mexican dinner one night, we quickly realized our worlds are very similar and parallel. After seeing a guy for over half a year, they break up. It was a hard break up. I saw myself flash back to her age--to her situation. And I am sure she saw herself flash forward to my time and age. It was almost kind of freaky. I also realized that night that no matter what age we are-- 22 or 28-- the dating world sucks. We are both in careers where you don't meet many guys (someone please tell me the male to female teacher ratio. It is not in our favor). And the guys you do meet in education--well, that's just not our type in most cases. Then you deal with the guys that are playing the hard to get. The ones who like to be chased, or they like the chase. And then, bless, you deal with the guys that are just super sweet and you give a chance, but there is no chemistry. Nothing special. You can't continue to see that guy just because you're lonely. We have a heart, people. So you end it and you're back to square one. Searching. But we did realize that have both dated that guy that likes to keep you on the side. The one who texts you to hang out, to meet up for a quick dinner or drink just to say hey, gets your hopes up, tells you they miss you. Then, oh surprise. They have a girlfriend a short few days later. Oh. Wait. What. Excuse me? I didn't think you wanted a relationship. You just texted me last week, wanting to get back together, and now you have a girlfriend?

And they say girls cannot make up their mind. Ok. Newsflash guys. It's ok if you want to date around. It's ok (sometimes) if you want to date multiple girls. But here are some guidelines you should remember if you want to keep your reputation in tack.

1. Be Honest My gosh I cannot stress this enough. Be up front if you don't want a serious relationship. Let us know that you are dating around. You don't have to tell us her name, where you are taking her, how she compares to us, etc. However, don't tell us that we are the only girl that you talk to and no one else is of your interest. Because, when we are told that you were saw out with another girl at a fine dining restaurant on the weekend when we haven't heard from you in a few days because you are "busy," we look like the fool. And when a woman realizes that she looks like a fool--well, let's just think of Carried Underwood and the baseball bat to the pick up truck. If you are seeing a girl and you're not feeling it, don't just ignore her. Some girls can take a hint and hit the road and not look back. Others will take that as playing hard to get and they will continue to chase you down, and obsess over you. But either way, ignoring her is the coward way out. In my mind, you will always be left with a huge red "x" next to your name in my mind. Honesty saves a lot of trouble in the end. And if you are up front and tell us that you are dating around, and we're not ok with that then we can bow out gracefully. You are left with a decent reputation and we can move on.
2. Be Consistent. Don't tell a woman you miss her and then not make plans. If you are texting constantly, liking her Facebook status, calling her to see how her day is--well, then we are going to expect something from you. And when you drop off the face off the earth for a few days, and we don't hear from you--you become that unreliable guy. Remember: you make time for you who want to see and be with daily.
3. On that note, Be Considerate. We have feelings. Those feelings can be all over the place. We can either be super sweet and the greatest girl you have ever met, or we can quickly become your worst enemy. We date with our heart. I try not to put my heart out there. But, then you get those talkers who can tell you what you want to hear. Not the words where I all of a sudden become a panty dropper. But words that I start to let you in. And when I let a guy chip away at my wall a little bit each time and I find out it was just a game, that is almost worse to deal with than if I had slept with you. Put it this way: We want to see you. But if you don't want to hang out that night, let us know. We will respect you a whole lot more. Plus, that means we get a night in with a bottle of wine and Hulu Plus.
4. Don't think that we will always be there--next time. I am one to give chances. I always try to see the good in people. I know people mess up. I keep going back, thinking I can change it or it will be a different situation. However, I have quickly learned that I can't do that anymore.  You can't always have the best of both worlds. You can't have me for right now, then decide you're kind of bored, then come back in a few weeks when nothing else is around. No. That makes you a player. And no one wants a player.
5. Behind every girl is gang of girlfriends. I have some amazing friends. When "the boy" and I broke up, one best friend threw me in the car with a six pack of our adult beverage, drove me to the NC, cleaned out the house with all my stuff, and let me cry the whole way home while rubbing my head. Then, lectured me to let me know that this is just the beginning. Another best friend instantly planned a weekend for us to go to Harrah's to see LBT and have a girls' weekend away. Two of my closest coworker friends would leave me little quotes in my classroom, hide candy in my box and let me hide in their room when I couldn't manage during the day. My point being, I didn't have to ask my friends to do that. They just did it. The Bible says, "Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned." Well, I think that should be changed to WOMEN scorned. I know for a fact that there are a couple relationships that if I even entertained the thought of returning to, those friends would be on me like white on rice so quick to remind me of what I deserve, I wouldn't give it another thought. And just as these past relationships have me jaded, and some guys have earned that reputation of sucking at life, those friends support me. They will attack. So remember-- if you want to get close to a girl, make an honest effort with her friends. Because I guarantee you, after you leave, there will be a mass text message about you and your approval rating.

   If you are one that loves dating around, having multiple girls to hang out with that could be "potential girl friend material," staying in random beds and have different girls in your bed, then go enjoy the single life. Just don't feed us such bull in the long run. And let's be honest, please. At some point the game gets old. Especially around my age. If you are ready to settle down, throw the game out the window, find the girl you want to be with, and just do it. Flipping pursue her! Let her know that you want to be with her. And if you don't, we'll be ok. We deserve better. Because after all, with the each failed date or relationship I am just quickly learning what I don't want or need in my future.