Dating from a Distance-One Month Later

   This past weekend officially marked Newbie being gone for a month. Fortunately, his mother suggested a road trip to go visit him a few weeks ago. We decided on this past weekend so I was so excited to head back out to Oxford again. We had a great trip--I didn't make too big of a fool of myself in front of his mother during an eight hour drive there and then back, I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Newbie, see Oxford and Ole Miss, and get to know his precious mother a little bit better. Also, the stories she shared with me about Newbie and being a mother to three boys were priceless. A moment I will treasure in my heart. (Side note: before I left, my mother called to ask if I had "groomed" myself. And I did. It took me an hour to get it all done, but I was smooth and polished upon arrival in Oxford!)

    Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?

    Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.

    I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.

    Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.

   And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?

   After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty  much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).

1.  I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.

2.  Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.

3.  Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!

    So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.

   But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2.  Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3.  Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4.  When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5.  Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.

   Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.

Doing Me While Dating from a Distance

     My most serious relationships have been long distance relationships. I just realized that. Does that mean something about me--I love best from a distance? Man. I hope not. Surely not. I don't know. Maybe I just like my space or I just prefer men who do not live in Spartanburg. We'll go with the later.

     When Newbie moved to Mississippi a few weeks a go, the term "long distance" took a whole new meaning in my book. Previously, long distance was only 60 miles away and turned into a weekend relationship with occasional dates during the week. Now, we are looking at over 500 miles away with our next date no where in sight. All I can say is thank goodness for Snapchat and text messages.

     I hit a pretty big low this past week dealing with Newbie being gone. The last few weekends I have been pretty busy. For some reason, it hit me really hard this week that he is not around. I think I realized this while I was in the shower. I bent down to wash my feet. As I got closer to my legs I realized that I could not remember the last time I had shaved my legs or washed my hair. I noticed I needed a pedicure pretty badly. As I was washing my face, I noticed I needed to pluck my eyebrows and do some major cleansing on my face. All those "procedures" took place when I saw Newbie on the reg. But, because I have not seen him in over three weeks and knowing no time soon, I wasn't "pampering" myself on a regular basis. I thought to myself, "If he were to walk in right now and see my current condition, he may just walk right back out the door, all the way to Mississippi." Bravo, Jess. I ran into some mutual friends of ours last Saturday and I was thinking in the back of my mind, "They are probably thinking I have let myself go and Newbie is crazy to be with me. Gross, Jess."

    So, I thought to myself today (as I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker with my third cup of coffee), "How can I turn these down-time moments into something productive? What am I going to do with myself? Sleeping a Saturday away isn't going to help you at all" (I slept till noon due to a large dosage of Nyquil from the night before because I had no need to get up early).

     I feel like I am going back to reinventing myself. Trying to find my happy balance. I called my mom Thursday night so upset I could barely get my words out. It was a pretty emotional draining week and I was at my breaking point. She just kept saying, "I know it hurts. I know it's hard. But put yourself first, Jess. Just let it all out." I did just that. I let it hurt, and I just cried. I'm not sure I could pinpoint what exactly hurt. Knowing I was going another weekend without seeing Newbie? Finding out that it very well may be another two-three months before we see one another again? Being with one of my best friends as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and starting a new part of a life I am longing for? Being out of wine? Or was it just exhaustion? I'm am going to go with all of the above.

    What is a girl to do? First things first, I shaved my legs. And my arms. And my toes. And any other part of my body that has hair (can I get an amen or was that too much information?). I then dragged my sorry butt to the gym and ran until I was exhausted. I treated myself to a caramel skinny iced latte and got my tan on. Something about the smell of my sweat, Starbucks and tanning oil instantly perked up my attitude. I would like to say that next I did something amazing, like fed the homeless or cleaned out and reorganized my closet. But all I did was open a bottle of Skinny Girl Sangria and curled up in bed to watch Untold Stories of the ER on TLC.

    Baby steps. One. Two. Three.

    So, what do I do next? I'm not quite sure. Continue a pattern of the gym, obviously. I know, I know--exercising increases happy endorphins. With the rest of the time I am trying to make a point to spend more time with friends and their kids. I have found myself calling my mother more. Working has been my sanity (and that's pretty sad where such a crazy job seems so normal). I have plans to visit friends in NC in the next few weekends just so I can leave town for a few days. But that will only go so far and last so long until I am bored with that. That just sounded really bad. I'm not saying seeing my friends is boring but you miss that longing that friends cannot fill.

     I guess the worst part is I start to think in the back of my mind, "Man. I hope this is worth it and it's going somewhere." I am trying not to compare my past long distance relationship to my current situation. I guess if anything I learned we both have to do a whole lot more communicating and be creative in letting one another know that we're going to be ok. Hand written letters, text messages, voicemails and late at night phone calls have been my saving grace.

    (And, for the record--can we not compare this to a couple where one of them may be in the army and they go months and months without seeing one another? That is a whole other level of relationship strength that I am not sure I could handle. Those couples--I admire.)

    I'll continue on the path of righteousness. Our prayer has been that this is God's will for us. His opportunity is there and my opportunity is here--apparently taking care of myself (a.k.a. grooming). It hasn't been quite a month since Newbie has left. I refuse to turn into that pathetic girl that just becomes so dang dependent on a male. So, I'm pulling my big ole panties up and going to deal with my current situation. I'll find my own fun again in this small town. I'm just going to do me--whatever that is.