It's over.

Two words that can turn any one's world upside down in so many contexts. It can mean that the life storm has passed and calm waters are ahead. It can mean that a event is done and you sadly missed the whole show. It can be said in the meaning that the week is done-- and it's the weekend! Or, that the weekend is over. So sad.

Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.

Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.

Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.

Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.

At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.

Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.

In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?

I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)

So, what are we to do? Of course,  we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?

Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.

When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.

At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.

Detox took me down.

 

If you have spoken with me in the last few days or have checked out my Instagram, then you probably saw that I have started a cleanse/detox. Currently, Newbie and I have a bet to see who can lose 10 pounds first. Whoever does wins $20. I know what you're probably thinking: "Oh, so you're doing this for him? You need to do this for yourself, Jess." Believe me, I am. But when Newbie challenges me, I never turn it down. This time, however, I am determined to win me $20 and lose 10 pounds in the midst of it before bikini season. I told him I didn't want to be at the beach and he say, "Babe. You need to cover up."

So, what has been my plan of attack?

Of course, Pinterest came to rescue. After searching through some detox/cleanse plans, I found one that would be fairly easy to follow.



Seems simple right? Nothing too crazy or that involves some nasty, random juicing and tons of protein shakes. On top of this cleanse, I decided to cut out all coffee and alcohol. I thought the alcohol would be hard. Wrong- and let me tell you why.

I was all excited about Day 1, which was on Saturday. I got up early and went to bootcamp at The Mill. Of course, I almost threw up three times. I was reminded of how bad my endurance has gotten. However, it was so nice to see people who have been doing this boot camp for two months sweating and dying as much as I was that morning. On the way home, I treated myself to a strawberry banana smoothie. I know- I wasn't supposed to have bananas today but I couldn't help myself at Bella. I then went to the grocery store and stocked up on some apples, Cuties, watermelon, cantaloupe, etc. I thought, I can do this! Who doesn't love fruit?

Candice invited me to ride with her and Hallie to Greenville. On my way to her house, I started to get a major headache. I took some Tylenol as soon as I got to her house. Candice had me fix some strawberries and blueberries for the road because I was getting hungry again. As I sat in the back, I just started to feel--gross. Almost weak and just really craving something to eat with substance. I sucked on my water and berries. As we were walking downtown, Candice convinced me to get a salad to munch on. We stopped at Luna Rosa and ordered a spinach salad with grilled shrimp. It was so flippin' good. I felt a little bit better but then soon my headache returned times four. We ran to a few other stores and I just began to feel worse and worse. We went through Total Wine to pick out wine to enjoy after our 2 week healthy eating/cleanse (Candice is doing something similar) and I didn't even enjoy that. I was just like, "Grab that...yeah that looks good. Get two of them. I don't care." Total Wine was even having free wine tasting and I passed on the opportunity! It's pretty bad when I didn't enjoy picking out wine to indulge in when my time is up. As we went to pick up Hallie, I became incredibly sleepy. I wasn't really hungry: just exhausted and hurting. I thought to myself, "I am not sure this $20 is worth it."

It was so bad that when we got back to Spartanburg, Hallie had to drive me home in Candice's car with Candice driving my car home. I crawled into bed and passed out around 6. I didn't wake up til 1 AM. My head wasn't as bad but I had no desire to move out of my bed.

What happened to me on day 1? I'm assuming the no coffee. I am used to drinking multiple upon multiple large cups in the morning. Then, to go cold turkey without one about did me in. Wait, it did do me in.

Day 2: I woke up this morning feeling ok. Still a slight headache but not near as bad as the day before. I weighed myself and saw that I was down 2 pounds! What in the world! This is great! Then, ever so eagerly, I went and made me one small cup of coffee with just a tad of sugar and a little bit of skim milk. I chugged that cup down like my life depended on it. You know what? No headache today. At all. I felt wonderful. Today I was supposed to consume veggies. I had carrots for breakfast then went on a 3 mile walk/run with Robin. Returning to the grocery store, I stocked up on some more fruit and veggies for today and tomorrow. For lunch I had some soy beans (not a lot because those tend to be very starchy). For dinner, I had spaghetti squash and my one baked potato. Amazing. At first when I finished dinner, I wanted to eat more, like a handful of Cheese-Its. But I restrained and sucked on my water bottle. Now, I can honestly say I am content. I'm not full, but I'm not starving.

We'll see how I feel tomorrow after Day 3. I hope I haven't retained too much water. If anything, I am really getting in some good, clean healthy foods in my diet this week. So, let's toast our water bottles to me winning $20!

"We performed Wrecking Ball...and everyone stared."

Scenario! And...action!

My student teacher did an activity today with our class that turned out to be hilarious and so well played out I thought to myself, "Why haven't I done this more?" We grouped our students based on their interests. We gave them a starting sentence. Quietly, they had to swap the sentence between their group to complete the story. Each person had only 30 seconds to write at a time. We had a group of three girls that are very into pop performances/boy bands/Miley. Their topic was about waking up and finding themselves on a stage in front of a crowd of screaming fans. As they came to the front of the class to share, they started out describing how they felt and used descriptive adjectives, which was huge for this group of girls. Then, the next line they read out loud caused me to choke on my water: "We performed Wrecking Ball. Everyone stared." Immediately I said, "Uh, yeah-you think!" Two other girls in our class says, "Gross!" A few boys chime in, "Ew! Miley!"

Tonight as I was thinking about my school day, I realized that those girls could have chosen any song or artist to write about or use as an example. Instead, they used Miley. And Wrecking Ball. Face palm to my head. Is this the best role model they could come up with? Is this the girl that they are idolizing? If so, what are they idolizing about her? I can't figure it out.

During indoor recess, my kids love to play on our new laptops and make videos. That has turned into a hilarious activity that leaves me laughing at the end of the day at their videos. As I was flipping through to see what they had recorded today day, I notice that one of those little girls was "performing" in one of the videos she made during indoor recess. In the video, she says, "Look. I'm Miley!" She proceeds to stick out her tongue to the side, throw up the deuces, and sticks her butt out. Face palm to my head again. (Reminder: delete said video immediately.)

What have I realized? I need to introduce my girls to some legit role models. Meredith and I were talking the other day about how girls face such a stronger sex appeal opposition today than when we did at their age. When we were in middle school, our biggest concern was if my mom was going to buy me that new sweater at A&E or if were going to be dropped off at the mall for a while to go to a movie and hang around. We all looked ridiculously awkward and...awful. I didn't know what a flat iron was or how to manage my thick mane of mine. Boobs and butt by the time I was in 7th grade? I didn't know what to do with those things! In today's world, Meredith said she doesn't notice that really being an issue with her middle school girls on a regular basis. She said it is more about who is having sex (or who hasn't had sex yet), who you are hooking up with that weekend, and passing boys around.

Excuse me? I wasn't even sure what a penis looked like at that age. It still frightens me.

Rashida Jones wrote a flippin' fabulous article in January's Glamour mag titled "Major Don't: The Pornification of Everything." As I laid in bed one Saturday night, catching up on my beauty mags, with a glass of wine, I approached this article with caution. With Hollywood being pretty liberal and all about "She's just expressing herself" crap, I was not sure what view Jones was going to present in this article. However, it was a fresh breath of air. "If 1994 was the year of O.J.'s White Bronco, 2013 was the Year of the Very Visible Vagina." Amen. Since when did bending over and licking yourself(or other humans or props) in public become ok and sexual? Pretty sure that if I lick a foam finger in front of Newbie in the middle of our favorite Mexican restaurant, he would laugh his rear off and ask what the heck was I doing...or he would bolt and head for the door. I would be willing to bet that he would not be cuddling up next to me, encouraging this behavior. There is a huge difference between showing that you are sexy and selling sex. Most celebrity women today sell sex. What example is this setting for our daughters and future generation of girls? Selling sex gets you attention. What happened to sexiness being confident in your new jeans and sweater? Where is sexiness when you busted your tail and beat your 3 mile run record? What about sexiness in a pair of jeans, boots, t-shirt and hat? Or, here is something crazy: what happened to sexiness using your smarts and wit? Flashing the vagina, boob pasties, and leaving nothing to the imagination-- Hollywood is right on track. But, can we not pull back the reins and throw a shirt on that goes below the belly button along with a pair of shorts that that reach at least your wrist? Morals...you there?

If this is warping our children's minds, can we just imagine what it is doing to women? Yes, we are intelligent enough to try to draw the line between being sexy and selling sex. We can say, "I'm no Miley, thank the good Lord." But, I would be lying if I said that her and other sexual celebrities haven't played with my mind and made me feel like I didn't measure up being sexy enough. However, I do have enough sense to bounce back, find my grind, and move on. Our only hope is to instill in our daughters that the message Hollywood sends out is not ok. Limit their viewing. Show them other role models that demonstrate beautiful confidence from their inner-self, things that they have accomplished and made a positive difference. Nothing positive comes from a public vagina.

This reminds me of the time Newbie and I were watching a football game. As a cheerleader came up on the tv before the game went to commercial, the cheerleader bent over and the camera got a nice little view of her backside and bloomers. Nice waxing by the way. Newbie paused it and played it over and over, amazing that they sports affiliate would broadcast this on public television (or so he says)...

Which brings me to this point: as for men--what is this doing for their image of women? A friend of mine lived in India for a while. She said that while she lived over there, men would approach her and automatically try to grab her boob or butt. She said that men in India were so accustomed to seeing American women project themselves in such a sexual manner--they thought that how all American women wanted to be treated. Does this bother you? Does this change your view of sexuality or what is sexy? I would hope you--men--would look past this image of being projected and promote pure beautify, confidence, and sexiness. Tell us what you value in a woman.

2014--cheers to no more visible vaginas. Hasn't your mama told you less is more?