Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok?

     The last three weeks have been a complete blur, and I have felt like I'm not quite sure what to expect next.

    In short: Newbie took a job as Assistant Coach to the Men's Golf at Ole Miss. He moved there this past week.

    When Newbie applied and told me about the job, I was hopeful for him but in the back of my mind I thought, "Ole Miss. I mean, Newbie is good from what I hear as a golfer (ha!) but really, God? Mississippi? Nah." Then the interviews started coming and each week brought the possibility of Ole Miss becoming a reality. It was time for the final interview with Newbie flying out to Ole Miss for a couple of days. Luckily, I had Lo's shower to keep me occupied and mind off the fact that he could be moving to Mississippi for good. A few short days later on a Tuesday, that could turned into would. When I received the phone call, I was sitting the library during lunch. As I hung up, I felt tears stream down my cheek. I immediately thought, "How pathetic am I? Get it together, Stro." And that's just what I did.

   We quickly found out that he would be leaving the next week, which really threw us into this whole, "Is this really happening? Where does this leave us?" I really struggled with the fact and balance of being the supportive girlfriend and being selfish to want to keep him here in Spartanburg. I never once uttered the word, "Stay" because I knew that would be wrong. Instead, knowing Newbie's desire to move up in the coaching college world, I repeatedly said the word, "Go." Here is his opportunity to do great things without having to be responsible for a family. Why wouldn't he go? I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever I needed to do to help him get to Mississippi.

    Meredith, knowing my true personality and what was going through my head, she reminded me that I needed to be positive when speaking with Newbie about this "exciting! new! adventure!" but if I were ever want to vent (or cry) to be sure to speak with her or any of our other friends and not just hole up like I usually do. For the most part-- I was ok throughout that week. I kept my feelings in check when I would talk to Newbie or when I would see him. The Saturday before he left, we were sitting in his apartment having our typical lay-on-the-couch-and-veg night. As we were talking about his upcoming move, I started to cry. Knowing Newbie hates to see girls cry, I tried to keep it under control and not completely lose it from keeping it in all week. Plus, when I cry-that rarely happens.Well, I tried to hide it at first but that was dumb of me to do. He starts questioning why I am crying because "it's not like it's the end for us." I told him, "Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok! I have been so good this last week. Just let me cry!" And he did because sometimes a girl just has to let it go.

    I think what has scared me the most about Newbie leaving is the thought of having another long distance relationship. My one-hour-away-long-distance relationship obviously did not work. If I couldn't make a relationship work that was one hour away, how can I possibly do 7 plus hours with a career that takes him traveling for several weekends in a row throughout the year?  Reading that makes me sound like I don't have hope or trust in mine and Newbie's relationship. I do but sometimes when you feel like you are going against the wind, you get tired of pushing. I had finally found a relationship that I was comfortable in and was progressing at a strong, quick rate. Feelings were developing at a much stronger rate that I ever thought could happen. What was once a huge wall had been knocked down slowly over time and I felt exposed. Our weekends together have gone from Friday Mexican date nights-Saturday veg nights-Sunday naps to having to plan out weekend visits a month in advance. It's like I'm that kid that just sits down in the middle of the store and refuses to move. I wasn't sure where I stood with Newbie prior to the move, but once I found out that we would be hours apart--emotions and feelings rose in me that I didn't now was there. My best friend, partner in crime, and buddy was leaving me.

    However, in order for this relationship to even have a chance in surviving, I know I will have to give it an honest effort. I have to trust Newbie. I have to trust myself. I have to trust God. As many times I have prayed for Him to close the door to this relationship, God has left it opened. I have to be willing to take a backseat for a little bit to Newbie's career. I am going to have to learn a whole new level of understanding. I didn't have a lot of that at the beginning of meeting and hanging out with Newbie, but now it's different because my feelings are different. Communication just got taken to a whole other level. I feel like Newbie and I have done more talking in the last three weeks than we have done in the last 3 months. Looking ahead to seeing him again and replaying our last few days together is what has gotten me through the last day or two.

   There have been moments where I have been more positive about this-knowing that this is just short term and isn't forever. Receiving his excited messages, pictures, and hearing his "When you get here, we're going to..." thoughts ease me. I am so incredibly proud of Newbie and honestly, jealous that he has this opportunity. An opportunity to leave Spartanburg and go somewhere to live and do what he loves in a town that we have never experienced before--starting something new! Newbie's opportunity called him to Mississippi. My opportunity is still here in Spartanburg. And our relationship lies somewhere between. I know that everything little thing is gonna be alright. But if one more person tells me, "If it's meant to be, it will be" then I am going to punch them in the throat.

   Here's to blogs about roadtrips to MS and giving this whole long distance relationship thing another try. I'm not a quitter. You fight for what you want, right?