It's been a while since I have blogged. I can't really say I've been busy. Nothing just hasn't really hit me lately. That is, until two friends of mine lost their father unexpectedly.
When I received the news the two different times that my friends' fathers had passed away, I got a sickening pit in my stomach. My first thought was, "My God, this cannot be happening." My second thought is, "I need to be with them. What can I do?" My final thought was, "This is not going to be easy." Anytime someone passes away, you are left with the "What can I do or say?" syndrome. This past winter, Newbie's step-grandfather passed away and he kept saying, "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't like going to funerals." To which I replied, "No one actually enjoys these things. But, the only thing you can do is just to be present when needed and give love. Don't try to make it up with words."
And I think what made it the hardest was seeing my friends, who are normally such strong willed women who never cry, break in such a fragile moment. Normally it is I who throws the tantrums or the fits with them consoling me and bringing me back to level ground. With them, they weren't throwing fits. They were missing their daddy--the one who was the first man they ever loved, made them laugh, and taught them to love beach music and NASCAR racing. I can't bring their father back to their world, nor can anyone replace their father. So what do we do? We grieve for a while. We dwell in memories, stories, and songs of those that have passed. But, with all that going on-we continue living life. We slowly pick ourselves up off the floor, regain some sort of normalcy and look onward. Sometimes it's your family that forces you moving on, knowing they need you. It may be your work that you throw yourself into. But whatever it is, you grab a hold on to this sacred piece and you keep going.
Earlier today, I was talking to one of my friends that just lost her dad a few weeks ago. As we were texting, she made the comment how she hates seeing her FB filled with people complaining about spending time with their family, having to be somewhere they don't want to be, or finding minor things to complain about in their life. Then she wrote, "I would give anything up to have to go to dinner with my dad." Tears instantly welled up in my eyes (and now as I type this). How many of us have had opportunity to spend time with someone and we had a hard heart about it? Or maybe, we just didn't make that person a priority because we think, "Oh, we'll just go to dinner next Tuesday instead...I'll call her Saturday when I actually have time to talk to her." We get so caught up in our own world that we put those that we love on the back burner, thinking they will always be there. We compromise our time with this person--maybe to spend some time with someone else, to just be alone, or rather we just don't want to do whatever we are supposed to do, probably for selfish reasons.
I believe this to be true especially in relationships. It is human nature to be selfish and to look out for your own personal best interests, which isn't necessarily a horrible character trait because I believe sometimes you just have to do what is best for you. But in a relationship, you have to commit to put your other half first a lot of the times. See what their needs are and meet them. Maybe it's just a little bit more communication. Maybe it is doing a kind act for that person. Maybe it's just a simple act of listening. You make time for that person because the truth of the matter is, if you really want to be with that person--you will make an honest true to God effort to connect with him/her--and do it with a grateful heart. You make time for who you want to be with (and I think I have written this before...several times). And I use the word connect because right now, for me, seeing my other half isn't really possible at the moment. So, our connecting and making each other priority has resulted to text messages through out the day, SnapChats, and phone calls before bed to debrief about our day. Do we always get to have decent conversations about what is going on? No, not every day. But we try to at least touch base in the morning and evening. And if that doesn't happen, then some re-direction and a new game plan takes place. I would say that we always have tomorrow, but we don't.
So, I guess my final thought for tonight is, "Who are you making a priority? What are you making a priority in your life?" It may be a job. It may be school. It may be a hobby. Hopefully it's your family and those that you really care for on a daily basis. This past Sunday, Perry Noble, pastor of NewSpring church made the following statement (or at least along these lines because I can't find my random scrap note paper, dang it): When you put someone or something first, it is obviously the most important thing in your life at that moment. I think a major part of this problem is that society tells that it's ok if you don't want to do something or see someone. The morality of putting others first, staying in touch and building those relationships has gone to pot with technology. Yes, a quick scroll through Facebook will leave you thinking, "Oh! Another baby!...Wedding bells, again!...Oh, girl--hit the gym...Oh what an idiotic comment to make." A quick comment or like can suffice but it can't be everything. Maybe we need to take a moment and figure out what we are placing first--are we spending precious moments with people that we truly care about? We need those moments with friends and family. Just recently, my three best friends and I decided to up our girls night out from once a month to every other week. We realized that we need each other more than ever--all four of us are at four total different points in our life but we balance each other out. So, setting GNO dates in advance holds us accountable to see one another and it gives us something to look forward to at the end of each week.
Earlier today, I joked with my friend, "YOLO!" and I absolutely HATE that statement. Nothing makes that statement have such a negative connotation when someone you know personally passes away unexpectedly. And we are left reevaluating our own lives, making ourselves feel inadequate because we aren't doing something out of the ordinary- it reminds us that maybe we aren't living these extraordinary, exciting life. But actually you are. Yes, you live only once but don't be reckless with what you have--don't take those around you for granted. Love on them. Talk to them. Be with them. Because at the end of the day, you can't live in the shadow of past regrets or you'll die each time.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, April 14, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Dating from a Distance-One Month Later
This past weekend officially marked Newbie being gone for a month. Fortunately, his mother suggested a road trip to go visit him a few weeks ago. We decided on this past weekend so I was so excited to head back out to Oxford again. We had a great trip--I didn't make too big of a fool of myself in front of his mother during an eight hour drive there and then back, I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Newbie, see Oxford and Ole Miss, and get to know his precious mother a little bit better. Also, the stories she shared with me about Newbie and being a mother to three boys were priceless. A moment I will treasure in my heart. (Side note: before I left, my mother called to ask if I had "groomed" myself. And I did. It took me an hour to get it all done, but I was smooth and polished upon arrival in Oxford!)
Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?
Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.
I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.
Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.
And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?
After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).
1. I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.
2. Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.
3. Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!
So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.
But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2. Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3. Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4. When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5. Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.
Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.
Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?
Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.
I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.
Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.
And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?
After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).
1. I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.
2. Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.
3. Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!
So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.
But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2. Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3. Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4. When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5. Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.
Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
My Buddy and Me
Can I just say that I am so thankful to have a married best friend? Well, all my best friends are married. But tonight, more specifically I am thankful for Meredith. It's nice to have that friend that you can just confess and indulge secrets with and she will always understand where you are coming from with each situation. Meredith may not always agree and plays a heck of a devil's advocate, but she helps me see each situation and person for what it truly is or can be.
Tonight, like often, we were comparing relationships of being married to my dating life. We bounce frustrations, laughs, and ideas off one another. The last week or so I have been confused of finding my balance between of being the friend to Newbie to being the girl he is dating. Mine and Newbie's relationship started off as friends, getting to know one another. It started off with me not sure where I stood with him and figuring out what I wanted. With a strong connection, he was (and still can) read me better than most people can. Guarded and after some highs and lows over the summer, I began to push away him but keep a safe distance. Meredith came to me concerned that I was settling and reminded me to stay on guard at all times. Around August I guess it was when Newbie and I began to spend more time together. Small dinners here and there, movie nights with the DVR and a few talks later, things began to shift. I became more comfortable with Newbie and began to accept that we were more than "just friends." We were becoming those friends that our relationship started to turn into more. Not that things were intimate or all romance all the time. It was opposite of that. I almost felt like we bypassed the "romance" part and it all comfort and "relaxation" (I use that term loosely). Not quite a friend but am I "the girlfriend?" I expressed this to Newbie one night and he agreed--sometimes I am treated more like a buddy than a girl he is dating. Also, I can be closed off and shut down when I am feeling inferior to a situation. We talked about how we both wanted to have a foundation of friendship between one another before anything serious, but as I girl I wanted Newbie to express that he is genuinely interested in me more than just a friend.
Ironically, the next day at church our pastor made a comment about relationships. He said that when it comes to relationships, people focus too much on the romance and not on building the relationship and friendship--the foundation that can make it or break it between two people. Did our pastor have the apartment bugged the night before? I could feel Newbie glaring at me and so badly wanting to say, "I told you." I just didn't even look at him. I took this as God saying, "Enjoy this time. Focus on me and I'll be the glue that can hold the relationship together."
Fast forward to tonight. I was explaining to Meredith about my concerns (still) about finding the balance between friends and more than friends and where I stand in some aspects. It's not that I don't wonder if Newbie has feelings for me because I know he does.To a guy, he would be saying, "Um, isn't this enough? What else do you need from me?" But what are the boundaries? It's been that moment of we are more than friends but not crazy exclusive. Meredith made a comment tonight that made sense. Well, first she asked if I was PMSing (yes--obviously--you probably already thought that in your head). Then she said, "It's good to have a fun loving friendship like buddies. But there has to be a romantic relationship side of it too...otherwise, aren't you just friends?"
My first thought was, "Yes! She gets it! I'm not crazy!"
Then of course she hits me with, "But the fun part is really important so don't be upset about it."
Dang it. She's right. What is so wrong with being with someone that you have fun with? Aren't the happiest couples the ones who can create fun out of nothing and find joy in just being together? Romance is nice-- a special date planned or little surprise but that's not everything. Yes, they are important but eventually it comes down to just being with someone that you want to spend time with. If it's over done then won't those little surprises not be so special anymore? Newbie is going to say I am over analyzing this (I'll be waiting for the text message tonight or tomorrow). But, I cannot be the only one that has felt like this. Growing as a couple, whether it is two friends or a loving relationship it takes work. It takes balance. It takes communication. Newbie says the best relationships shouldn't require a whole lot of work--it should come easily. I agree partly with this. It should be natural, but you should never quit or become lazy. You are praying and hoping that you are doing the right thing--trusting that is supposed to be, will be. Do I get frustrated when laying on the floor I am expecting a back rub but get a wet willy in my ear, or when I am tripped up coming out of a store because he loves the irritated look on my face? Often times, yes. But those moments of a quick peck on the head, a look he gives that can speak a thousand words and the laughter that comes from him because of my quips and dry humor speak more than anything. Tonight I have had to remind myself to enjoy these moments. I would rather have a friend that can make me laugh and bring tears to my eyes because he knows the intimacy of my heart than a relationship that is built on the fluff of how the world says we should date. So, I will take the nights of pizza on the floor, HORSE on Sunday afternoons, and the 3 AM talks of the dreams of our future (water rescue swimmer? artist?) because from this I have gained a special friend that has taught me to take life as it comes and live it to it's fullest.
As for Meredith, I am glad that she can remind me that while I sound logical in my head, PMS does insane things to a girl's mind. Where's the wine and chocolate?
Tonight, like often, we were comparing relationships of being married to my dating life. We bounce frustrations, laughs, and ideas off one another. The last week or so I have been confused of finding my balance between of being the friend to Newbie to being the girl he is dating. Mine and Newbie's relationship started off as friends, getting to know one another. It started off with me not sure where I stood with him and figuring out what I wanted. With a strong connection, he was (and still can) read me better than most people can. Guarded and after some highs and lows over the summer, I began to push away him but keep a safe distance. Meredith came to me concerned that I was settling and reminded me to stay on guard at all times. Around August I guess it was when Newbie and I began to spend more time together. Small dinners here and there, movie nights with the DVR and a few talks later, things began to shift. I became more comfortable with Newbie and began to accept that we were more than "just friends." We were becoming those friends that our relationship started to turn into more. Not that things were intimate or all romance all the time. It was opposite of that. I almost felt like we bypassed the "romance" part and it all comfort and "relaxation" (I use that term loosely). Not quite a friend but am I "the girlfriend?" I expressed this to Newbie one night and he agreed--sometimes I am treated more like a buddy than a girl he is dating. Also, I can be closed off and shut down when I am feeling inferior to a situation. We talked about how we both wanted to have a foundation of friendship between one another before anything serious, but as I girl I wanted Newbie to express that he is genuinely interested in me more than just a friend.
Ironically, the next day at church our pastor made a comment about relationships. He said that when it comes to relationships, people focus too much on the romance and not on building the relationship and friendship--the foundation that can make it or break it between two people. Did our pastor have the apartment bugged the night before? I could feel Newbie glaring at me and so badly wanting to say, "I told you." I just didn't even look at him. I took this as God saying, "Enjoy this time. Focus on me and I'll be the glue that can hold the relationship together."
Fast forward to tonight. I was explaining to Meredith about my concerns (still) about finding the balance between friends and more than friends and where I stand in some aspects. It's not that I don't wonder if Newbie has feelings for me because I know he does.To a guy, he would be saying, "Um, isn't this enough? What else do you need from me?" But what are the boundaries? It's been that moment of we are more than friends but not crazy exclusive. Meredith made a comment tonight that made sense. Well, first she asked if I was PMSing (yes--obviously--you probably already thought that in your head). Then she said, "It's good to have a fun loving friendship like buddies. But there has to be a romantic relationship side of it too...otherwise, aren't you just friends?"
My first thought was, "Yes! She gets it! I'm not crazy!"
Then of course she hits me with, "But the fun part is really important so don't be upset about it."
Dang it. She's right. What is so wrong with being with someone that you have fun with? Aren't the happiest couples the ones who can create fun out of nothing and find joy in just being together? Romance is nice-- a special date planned or little surprise but that's not everything. Yes, they are important but eventually it comes down to just being with someone that you want to spend time with. If it's over done then won't those little surprises not be so special anymore? Newbie is going to say I am over analyzing this (I'll be waiting for the text message tonight or tomorrow). But, I cannot be the only one that has felt like this. Growing as a couple, whether it is two friends or a loving relationship it takes work. It takes balance. It takes communication. Newbie says the best relationships shouldn't require a whole lot of work--it should come easily. I agree partly with this. It should be natural, but you should never quit or become lazy. You are praying and hoping that you are doing the right thing--trusting that is supposed to be, will be. Do I get frustrated when laying on the floor I am expecting a back rub but get a wet willy in my ear, or when I am tripped up coming out of a store because he loves the irritated look on my face? Often times, yes. But those moments of a quick peck on the head, a look he gives that can speak a thousand words and the laughter that comes from him because of my quips and dry humor speak more than anything. Tonight I have had to remind myself to enjoy these moments. I would rather have a friend that can make me laugh and bring tears to my eyes because he knows the intimacy of my heart than a relationship that is built on the fluff of how the world says we should date. So, I will take the nights of pizza on the floor, HORSE on Sunday afternoons, and the 3 AM talks of the dreams of our future (water rescue swimmer? artist?) because from this I have gained a special friend that has taught me to take life as it comes and live it to it's fullest.
As for Meredith, I am glad that she can remind me that while I sound logical in my head, PMS does insane things to a girl's mind. Where's the wine and chocolate?
Sunday, October 20, 2013
It's not being called high maintenance. It's called having standards.
I love scenarios. Let's set the scene, shall we?
Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.
Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.
So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?
I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?
Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..
So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?
But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.
Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"
High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.
Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.
Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.
So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?
I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?
Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..
So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?
But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.
Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"
High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.
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