When the tradition is altered: finding joy in unwanted change

    Every year I have my students write about their family traditions. At the age of eight, many of them write about their Christmas traditions, sometimes Easter or my favorite-- our traditional Friday dance brain breaks. But this year, as we were talking about family traditions and customs, my mind and heart instantly went back to my own family's traditions. This year, though, I was reminded how so much of my family's traditions have changed just in the last year and how I was currently dreading Christmas day. 

    It's no secret that my family is going through some personal, trying times right now. And I guess I could have called it last year. Actually, I did call it last year at Christmas. After going through a rough patch in my personal life, it was my first Christmas in five years that I had spent the whole winter break in Spartanburg. As I looked around at my family that morning, afternoon, and evening I realized how much I had missed spending time with them during the holiday season. But, I also knew deep down that the next year (meaning this Christmas) would hold a lot of changes for myself and for my family. Last Christmas, things were not perfect. But it was almost like my family put aside family differences just for the a few days. I think deep down we just knew it would be one last holiday together for a while-as a whole family. Fast forward to this year, families are now separated, people have moved out of our life and some of us were left behind to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out some sort of normalcy for Christmas. It hasn't been easy. 

    Christmas Eve used to consist of the candlelight service and a breakfast dinner with my mom's side of the family. We always ended the night with the kids opening one gift, and listening to my aunt and uncle's recording of the True Meaning of Christmas story. Once my mom's house would consume 30-40 people on Christmas night of old friends and family. This year, that was no longer the case. Torn between two sides, my mother and I had decided to try to bridge the gap between our family: Christmas Eve lunch. As we sat there, waiting for lunch to be ready (because my mother can never have a meal prepared on time, bless her cotton little socks), my cousin turned me and said, "This is just weird." And it was. It was very weird. It felt off. I could tell by her face and others in the room that this was not a new tradition that we wanted to start. Trying to make the best of the situation, my brother and I tried to keep the conversation lighthearted, and he succeeded by picking on me and my feet. As Newbie and I left for the candlelight service, my heart hurt for my family. During the candlelight service, our pastor talked about how sometimes we think we have it hard. But our hard times are nothing compared to what others are suffering through during the Christmas season. What was once filled with happiness and love, a heart has an emptiness and longing for something or someone to fill the void. As we prayed, I felt tears stream down my face. What has happened to our family and our traditions that we once looked forward to each year? The very ones I love the deepest are hurting the most and I cannot do anything to help or make it better. I want to bring joy back into my family--a family that is hurting by an unwanted change.

   So, the last few days I started thinking about how do you find joy? How do you adjust to the change? I thought of the quote that I put on a canvas that is above my bed: "Today I will choose joy." It's a choice you have to make. It's something that only God can truly fulfill. When you choose God, you choose joy. And instead of focusing the perils of the unknown, we should grab hold of the joy that is in our present moment. It may not seem like much in the moment, but it's there. Psalm 16:11 says, "In Your presence is fullness of joy." When we come to Him completely broken, hurt and even angry at our current circumstances, we have to realize that our joy and hope has to remain in Him. We can choose to wallow in our circumstances that we hate and that we can refuse to accept. But in the end, we don't have a choice. If we don't accept our current situation, then in essence we are rejecting God's will for our life. Rejecting God's will for your life will cause just much more pain and confusion. Our family may not understand the reason for our current situation. I have not always understood why God caused certain things to happen in my personal life. But, I can say that as I continued to rely on Him and trust Him fully--His promises were so much greater than what I thought I wanted in life at that moment. Choosing joy, trying to find that positive light in any current situation has helped me see that I can and will move forward. I especially hope this for my family: that we can remember hope is the anchor for our soul. A hope that an indescribable joy is ahead for our family.

   What joy did I find in this unwanted tradition change? I saw that my family still very much loves one another.We are just still trying to figure out how to move ahead. As I looked across at my brother Christmas afternoon, laughing as we opened gifts, I realized that this was the first Christmas in years that we have opened gifts together. Sober now for almost a year, my brother and I spent Christmas eve and day together for the first time in over 10 years, easily. The joy that filled my soul at that moment--I will never forget it. Was that the only joy I found this Christmas? No, not necessarily. But that was enough joy for me. That in itself was a blessing from God. When we find joy in pain, we are finding just how good God truly can be. I do believe God has removed people from our life for a specific reason. However, God has placed back in my life a healthy relationship with my brother and given me a new hope and joy for the future. A hope that better Christmas traditions are ahead. A hope that God is in complete control of every situation. A hope that relationships will be restored and a family will be brought back together under a true, holy unity. A joy that God has given me just at the right moment when He knew I would need it the most. A joy that I would not take for granted. A joy that has filled my soul that I will continue to choose, even in those unwanted changes and altered traditions. Because you know what? Those unwanted changes often become blessings in disguises and I know that God is about to show and teach me something that I do not want to miss. After all, I sit in the front row of my life. 

"Talking about our problems is our addiction. 

Break the habit. Talk about your joys."

Let it go.

    You ever been so mad or ill with someone that you just want to punch them in the throat? Stomp on their pinky toe? Poke them in the eye?

   Ok. Maybe that sounded too violent. But you just get so mad at what someone for something that they have said or done. You want to inflect pain--or wish that karma would come back in time for you to see what happens to them. Which side note, karma always comes back. Example: I was seeing a guy while I was in college (not sure why--he wasn't even really my type. I guess I was bored?). Anyways, he cheated on me and broke up with me (thank God) and ended up marrying this girl. Well, just very recently, she was in the public eye for something very inappropriate that she did and brought shame to him and her. I admit--I laughed. Then felt bad for the situation. Anyways, karma always comes back.

    We all have been hurt by someone. Someone that has lied to us, let us down, hurt our feelings, was a bad friend/spouse, etc. And we begin to harbor resentment towards them. We have a hard time forgiving them and their actions. We can't go back and undo the past but we wish like heck that maybe we could so we could take away the hurt.

    My father had an affair while I was college. My parents split two weeks before their 25 wedding anniversary. Talk about anger, confusion, resentment, lost of trust and honor. I was so disgusted with my dad. I tried to keep up a relationship with him, but eventually I just cut him off when he married the woman he had an affair with. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. And my dad was one of my best friends. So not only did I lose a dad but I lost a friend. I remember talking to "the boy's" mom about this situation. I will never forget these words as long as I live. She said, "Jess, you can accept what your father has done. That's not going to change. You have to face that. But you don't have to approve of his actions." Let that sink in. You almost have to accept the wrong doing in order to start the forgiveness process but you don't have to approve of it. I would like to say that I started to forgive my father right then and there but I couldn't. My mother wanted to see a therapist. My friends urged me to talk to my father. "The boy" at the time would talk to me about maybe calling him but supported me in whatever decision I made. I would like to say I really prayed about it as hard as I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't want to forgive my father. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. And I knew not talking to him was hurting him as much as it hurt me.

   I was sitting in church one Sunday in January. Our pastor preached on forgiveness. He talked about how forgiveness can eat you alive and how you can have such unrest. How you cannot truly have peace with yourself. He challenged us as to what we were going to do to settle a situation or come to terms with a broken relationship. I remember, I just sat there and cried. I cried throughout the whole sermon because I kept thinking of my dad. Being a Castro, I was too prideful to make a move. I didn't know how to go about doing this. Then, exactly a month later, I woke up one Sunday morning at 4:00. I was restless for over an hour. I tossed and turned on my couch. Three hours later, I receive a message that my stepmom had passed away her sleep-- at 4:30 that morning. Talk about chills and a God moment. That afternoon, I saw my dad for the first time in 4 years. I truly knew how it felt to forgive. All my anger-- all my pride-- all my hurt-- it was gone. I was telling my best friend that I had never felt such relief. While I would like to say everything with my dad has been amazing, easy, and perfect since then. But it hasn't. We talk weekly and have started having dinners together again. And it feels so freakin good to spend time with him.

   Having to forgive my father for what he did was the hardest situation I have had to face in my life. It was a long process--almost 5 years long. And it's still a process. But I will say this, it has made forgiving others a little bit easier. Just recently I was very upset with a situation. While I stewed over it for a few hours, I then realized that there was no point in staying mad and hating that person for what they did (and maybe the wine helped a little). Could I still be hurt? Yes, of course. But staying angry--what good would that do? Rob Bell has a NOOMA video titled "Luggage.". One statement he makes is, "Revenge is like saying to God, 'I don't trust you--I can do your job better.'" Deep down, we all want someone to hurt like they have hurt us. We want to put the situation in our hands and just unleash hell sometimes. While that can be fun, you're not really getting anywhere with that situation. But we have to trust that God will vindicate the situation because he causes all things to work together for our good. Our job--forgive. He'll take care of the rest. I'm not going to preach out there and say, "Go! Forgive! Do it NOW!" Because it's not something that can happen just over night. God had obviously been working on my hardened heart for a while. He was preparing me. But, just give it some thought. And maybe watch the video below (and learn a little bit of Spanish along the way).