10 Things I Hate About Dating

I hate dating. I mean, really. hate. dating. I would rather teach how to find equivalent fractions on a number line than go through the emotions of dating.

That's way harsh, Cher.

I have compiled a list of the 10 Things I Hate About Dating.

1. The awkward texting. Let's face it: with technology consuming our every day reality, dating just became more complicated. It's almost nearly impossible to meet people except through social media (I'll get to that in a minute). So, when you do "meet someone," you are most likely texting. At first, it's so weird. "Hey!...Hi!...Did you have a good weekend?...What do you do for a living?...Oh, that's interesting!...What do you like to do for fun?...Oh, me too! (sometimes I lie)...Any big plans this weekend?...Yeah, same here..." I mean, didn't that make you just want to plunge your head in the toilet?  Sometimes, the texting moves forward to a more even flow conversation, sometimes even SnapChat and if you're lucky, a few FaceTime phone calls! Then, sometimes, the texts/FaceTimes just die out...kind of like the Jonas Brothers...
2. Ok, so the texts have moved to an actual date. And you know what? Kudos to you MEN that call a girl and ask her out on the PHONE. Once, a guy called me and asked me out. Did that sentence seem weird to you as you read it? What made it weird? Notice I said, he CALLED. Anyway, I will never forget what he said to me, "Did this just seem awkward that I called and asked you out? That's sad. And you know what? You should never take a guy up on a date if he doesn't pick up the phone to call you." So, men, take the time to call a girl and ask her out. Texting is fine. But a phone call is so much sexier. That'll be my number 2.
3. And now, back to the actual date. Finding the outfit to wear. Can we say that finding an outfit to wear is one of the most stressful moments in my life?  And you know, I struggle with that more during the spring/summer than I do in the winter. I can throw anything together with jeans, boots, and a fun sweater shirt. But with spring/summer dates, you have several things to consider: Am I "groomed?" How white are my legs? Do I have any more spray in panty hose? My makeup is getting a little too light. Wow. That dress doesn't quite fit the same as I did last year. I always say, "Wear something that you feel confident in." But I don't think my worn, bleached, super soft/short black wrap robe would be appropriate nor would my mother agree.
4. Now. The actual date. It can go two ways: Real well or it can be totally awkward. I hate that moment when the texting/phone calls are so on FLEEK (yes, I just did) and then that moment when you are face to face and it just gets weird. Either you are extremely nervous and end up not being your total cool-calm-collected self or this guy has a serious case of ADD and ends up running his mouth the whole night about himself, with his eyes following everything around and behind you. You either leave telling your friends, "It went so well! I really like this one! Trying not to get my hopes up!" OR you leave with the thoughts, "Yeah, it was ok. I tried."
5. The end of the date. "Um. Thanks for dinner! Care to grab a drink? Oh, yeah no, I understand. You need to get home to let the dog out. My cat is crazy--she likes to stage home invasions when I am gone too long. I need to go check on her. Yeah, let's definitely do it again sometime! Awkward wave, maybe hug or side-hug and walk away. Try not to fall and remember where you parked the car. Maybe I'll just go grab a drink by myself anyways. Oh! I wonder if Candice is out tonight or who is in Greenville?"
6. Waiting.Waiting. And Waiting. Waiting for a follow up phone call or text. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Screw the three day rule. And screw the rule that says I shouldn't text him first (which I still battle with that--will I seem too eager? Too desperate? Too clingy?) I do wonder what would happen if I called a guy, the next day after a date and was SUPER energetic? I can imagine I would either get sent to voicemail and labeled, or he would have politely answered and then never contacted me ever again. Such a wuss. My friend cKb dared me to tell a guy I went out with a couple of times to say "I love you and want to have your babies" on the third date, just to see his reaction. At the time, I said absolutely not. Now, I kind of wished I had. You only live once, or in my case, go on a date once with a guy.
7. So, you still haven't heard from him. Therefore, this leads to you stalking every social media you have of this person WITHOUT hitting the like or share button. A private investigator has nothing on me-you talk about being sneaky, and overly aware of your texting! Guys, just know, we are not stalking. We are just merely finding answers or an explanation. "Ohhh. His friend is cute! Who is THIS?"
8. Now, you begin analyzing yourself. What was it? I knew I shouldn't have worn that dress. Did I say something stupid? Was my Insta account too much? My hair. Flipping frizz. I put myself out there too much. I knew I should have stopped after the second glass of wine. Or maybe, I came across too reserved OR he maybe wasn't into the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman who is upfront to say "I got this." WHERE DID I GO WRONG? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Please, pour me another glass of Prosecco (because we all know after a couple glasses of wine, one has all the answers).
9. At this point, you have accepted the loss and find yourself restraining from checking their Insta account, Snap stories, and just trying to get away from any social media at this point. Curse social media. It's social media's fault I'm in this predicament.
10. You meet someone new. You start the process over again until you find out your mutual friend is from a past date. Branded. Labeled. There is no hope in this town.

And if one more person tells me that it will happen when I least expect it, do me for a while, or just give it time I'll sic Midge on you. She's been known to decapitate birds' heads without a second thought.

Anyone else have happy, glorious thoughts about dating?