Over the summer, my mom gave me a slew of books. Being the avid book collector and reader, I was excited. I am blessed to have a mother that loves to read and share with me books she has been reading or have been recommended to her. One book that she gave me was Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. At first I thought, "Great. Another 'Christian dating guide book.' Thanks, Mom. I can't wait to start reading about being patient and waiting for Mr. Right." Total sarcasm of course- and I'm not downing Christian dating books. Sometimes, they just come across as self help and they all start to say the same thing. Be patient! God has the one picked for you. Put God first. You are beautiful in God's eyes. Pray, pray, pray. This is good, true and everything else. But I wanted more in depth questions answered. I wanted to learn more about having a heart for Him. I wanted to bypass all the usual junk that is feed to Christian women, especially young women. I wanted a book that would hit my heart hard and cause me to think. I have heard of Lady in Waiting but never made an effort in reading it...that is, until this summer.
Reading Lady in Waiting has opened my eyes (and heart) to God's promises for me and showed me that I can easily compromise those promises without even realizing it if I'm not careful. It has caused me to raise awareness in my own life and challenged me to face some dark areas and questions. Yes, I asked God to show me a devotional that would hit hard and He delivered. Each chapter I read always seems to be an area I am struggling with at the time. I haven't read it lately because I have been letting other areas dictate my spare time and take over my quiet time (I will expand on this in a minute). Tonight, I actually had some quiet time to myself so I started to read where I left off at, which was being a Lady of Security.
At first I thought, "Ok. This won't be bad. I'm pretty secure in who I am." Wrong. First question was Why do women tend to go after the guys? I've always wondered that. Why do we chase? Why do we pursue them? It's exhausting! And obviously, its about being insecure. It can have such a hold on a woman's heart and prevent her from experiencing joy in her current situation. We look for security in a man, but they can't provide the security like God can. We become clingers. Women cling to a guy that she is dating for fear that she will lose him. One time Newbie asked me why I wasn't honest about something I thought and I told him, "It's because I am afraid that if I am honest, I'll lose you." Pathetic, but true. Why should I be scared to be honest? Obviously, I was putting my hope in him, not in God. Kendall and Jones discuss how insecurity can cause one to be jealous and cause unrealistic expectations. Guilty of both of these, daily. I get jealous when time isn't being spent with me. I question things I see on social media or hear. My mind starts to race and I start to get anxious inside and feel like I am not adequate. Then, I hear a voice that says, "Stop, Jessica." I know I'm not the only woman that feels this way--I have had several tell me they completely understand. Women then start to chase the men and (we) feel that (we) must show our love for him in greater and greater ways. We become a manipulator and a maneuver. A manipulator is one who puts herself in situations, places, and times in hopes to get his attention. She may do something out of her heart but there is often ulterior motives, such as getting attention from him. I am more of a maneuver. This was hard for me to admit. Kendall and Jones describe how a woman may cook, wash his clothes or do thoughtful act for a man in hopes to show her love/liking for him-surely doing these things I can win his "like!" They bluntly write When a woman does something really nice for a certain guy, he usually does not spend the rest of the day thinking about her unselfish service (he may be accustomed to receiving). The woman may begin to feel used.
Wait. You mean he doesn't dwell over that message I sent him? He doesn't brag about how I brought him dinner when he was under the weather. Nope. Amen. I need to read that again. We think, "Well, I cooked him dinner! I sent him a good morning text! Why isn't returning the favor? One-for-one right?" The true question is what can I really do to win his "like?" Nothing. Now, I don't think these little acts are wrong or that you shouldn't do them--if you have a right motive. But am I doing it because it's bringing honor to Him or because I want "him" to notice that I can throw a casserole together? If I continue to maneuver my way through a relationship, I will have to maneuver to keep him and the relationship in motion. Just that thought makes me tired. I do think some guys appreciate the acts of kind service, and when they do they should express it authentically. But, girls, we cannot continue to serve him with selfish motives or he will come to expect them each time and will leave us feeling like we don't measure up. Will I continue to do kind things for him? Sure-but I need God to show me if my motives are pure or intentional. If we continue to be the manipulator or maneuver, we create situations that drive us crazy that will hinder a growing relationship that God may have brought together. God doesn't need my help. He's got this stuff together, where as I am finding myself scrambling around, pretending like I know what I'm doing but really--I'm a chaotic mess. I don't need to ruin a blessing.
Really though, who should a woman compare herself to? It's hard when we see a friend acceptance on his FB wall of another attractive women. You want to so badly go digging through her pictures, find out where she lives, what she does, and try to figure out how they know each other. Restrain, ladies. It's tempting (and I'm totally guilty of doing that in the past). But, that just goes back to being insecure. Where is my perspective? Where does your insecurity fall? I know where mine does.
With that being said, our pastor has asked our church to fast for a week and be in prayer for our country, burdens in our personal life, and our church. I decided to not fast from only one meal a day but from Facebook for a week. I easily spend at least an hour a day on Facebook (not at once) but long enough that I need to refocus this week. It's going to be hard. Besides, the only thing that honestly happens on my news feed are pictures of babies, recipes, and football commentary bashing. It'll all be there when I return. So, loves, I shall return in one week.
Call to Me, and I will show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.
Jeremiah 33:3
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