Magic of New Beginnings in Jacksonville, FL

    Sometimes an opportunity arises in our path that we cannot ignore. That opportunity can be a side adventure, or a step that will catapult wherever you are physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally to the next level and completely rock your world. Some people hate change. They hate how their comfortable, circumstantial situation becomes uncharted territory. Others embrace the unknown, taking the road less traveled. They thrive in these situations of newness and adventures.

    I believe we were put on this Earth to not be comfortable. I believe that we are called to greater things, opportunities, relationships, and experiences. We may have to seek out those greater things, other times they are put in our path. I don't know about you, but when an opportunity lands at my feet that I wasn't expecting, it becomes one of the most uncertain, scariest moments of my life. I think this is because I don't want to be part of an opportunity that does not benefit myself or others around me. Another part of me loves a new change, or opportunity because it has made me a better woman.

    The last two years I started evaluating my current situation. While I loved my job, my home, and having majority of my friends and family within a ten minute drive, I felt a longing to be somewhere else. I felt like I should be somewhere else, experiencing something outside of this small town. Point blank: I wasn't happy. I didn't make this a public announcement, but my closest friends could see that I was burnt out of this town. I started praying about it, and seeking some guidance from my closest friends and family. After several nights on Mer's couch debating this idea, and making false wishes, I knew I had to make a decision.

    This past Christmas I was able to travel to South America with my family and spend it in Colombia. The momentum building up to seeing my family that I used to spend my summers with became overwhelming and unbearable- I just had to hug their necks and share stories over a glass of wine and empanadas. When our time came to an end, I was literally depressed leaving my grandparents and my cousins. My BFF coworker Robin sent me a message and said, "You looked so happy while you were down there! I loved seeing you smile! I can tell you had a blast." While on FaceTime with my cousins Christina and Jen (whom I have always felt like they were my little sisters), Jen broke the news that she was moving back to Florida to help out and I should join her in this adventure. I told her she was crazy and I couldn't just leave. Jen said, "Why can't you?" Being the smartest of us three, Jen kept stumping me. Why couldn't I move? Why should I stay in Spartanburg? There wasn't logical reason.

    Spring Break, I went back to Florida to visit my grandparents and feel out the area. I prayed that after a week down there, I would either leave with affirmation of my move or I would leave with a discomfort of knowing that wasn't the right choice. While I was there, Lauren sent me a text that said, "I don't know what organization you are helping with, the people you are meeting, or what exactly you are doing in Florida, but you look so happy there. Keep doing whatever you are doing." One night I was able to spend the evening out at our beach house. I sat there at 3 AM, in the pitch dark on the deck, listening to the waves crash, I felt a peace that I have only felt once before in my life. This is it. As I said goodbye to my grandparents at the end of the week, Papi was hugging my neck and Pila  was saying, "WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK??" I knew I had to move to Florida.

    Telling my family, friends, and school has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm not going to go into the emotional, details of the tears, the wailing, and the gnashing of teeth (just kidding) of telling everyone I was moving. But at the end of the day, my true friends have told me how proud they are of me, how they don't blame for wanting to experience something new, and that I should go be with my family. Any uneasiness I had about my decision of my move has been quieted by the most amazing, supportive group of friends.

    My friend Tina asked me "who the boy was." My other friend Susan asked me if I was in love and if that's why I was moving. I replied, "Yes. I am in love. I am in love with my grandparents and the beach."

    Things are moving fast. I have had a few moments of "Oh, crap. What have I decided to do?" Tonight I ran into my Aunt Fran at Twisty's, a frozen yogurt place near my house (I had gone to eat my emotions of nonfat peanut butter chocolate, strawberries, and coconut). She moved from Florida to South Carolina after meeting my uncle online. As I was talking to her, she reassured me I was doing the right thing. That these moments of uncertainty are normal, but the end it's worth the journey.

    Here's to looking at you, Spartanburg. I'll be back. However, it's time for me to experience bigger and better things--time to see how this Roebuck girl does in a big ole city world called Jacksonville.

In the words of my cousin Christina: "DUDDDEEEE, YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE IN FREAKING FLORIDA! "

“As I look back on my own life, I recognize this simple truth: The greatest opportunities were the scariest lions. Part of me has wanted to play it safe, but I’ve learned that taking no risks is the greatest risk of all.” -Mark Batterson,"In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day"   

Braving a Busted Blessing.

How many times a day do we sometimes look at our life or a situation and think, "Well, that didn't go as planned." Or sometimes, we may say our "give a darn" is busted. When that happens to me, I step back and try to figure out how I went from Point A to all the way to Point What the Heck. Sometimes I can pinpoint where I screwed up at; other times, I have no clue where it went wrong.


Until today. I realized I put myself in situations where my intention seems good at the time. I think I know what I'm doing, when reality, I have no clue what direction I am heading in. Then the situation that unfolds is greater than my intention. That's where my fault lies. I try to control or dominate the situation. We like to control where we go and what we do because then are no unexpected surprises or curveballs. If we were completely honest, how many times have we put ourselves in a path, whether it is with a job, a relationship, friendship or what not just for hopes that we are going to receive something great--a blessing. We strategically plan out the step by step (subconsciously) process thinking that if we do this, we will receive this great reward or blessing.


For example, if I plan two extra hours a day for my classroom instruction, then it is bound to be a great lesson and all my students are going to be extravagantly blessed by my hard work!  OR if I plant myself in this online dating world, then I am bound to meet the man that is going to just sweep me off my feet and make all my wishes and dreams come true because I created the perfect profile with the perfect picture! OR, it's ok if I hang out this one time with a friend. Nothing of harm can come from it. I am totally guarded. I'm just trying to be a blessing to that friend!


All that is great (intention) until...the lesson falls apart because time is against and you didn't realize that 24 kids would take all the energy out of you; you are blessed with the one-date curse and you go out on seven first dates and you start to think, "Ok. Maybe it is me."; or the trust of that friend is betrayed and your blessing becomes a burden of a friendship. Back to Point A, or whatever point you are coming from at the end of that moment.


The last week I have been thinking about where I have found myself lately. Working my butt off to make the best of a situation in my classroom. Supporting myself and making ends meet at the end of the month on a single teacher's salary. Balancing time between friends and trying to be the best friend that I can be to each person. And I thought to myself, where has this gotten me?  I used to have this guinea pig (one of my many class pets) and we would put in this rolling ball and let it roll around the classroom. Gwinnie would roll into the wall, then roll back and roll around for a little while and then run into a desk. She would do this for an hour-no true direction, just bumping and rolling around the classroom. And lately, I have felt like Gwinnie-- not sure I am making progress in any area of my life. Just rolling around. When I hit a wall, I back up and keep going until I hit another wall. Last Sunday, I had a breakdown at my mom's, saying that I pretty much couldn't do life anymore (we all have those moments, whether you like to admit it or not). What blessing have I been? What blessings have I received? If this is God's blessing for my life, then it is busted obviously. Is this what God really wants for me? Nearing thirty, all friends married with kids, a job that seems to be too much to handle at times, living in the ghetto with my older brother that leaves his dip cups around the house that Josie and Midge end up getting into (and I find myself asking is that poop or dip on the floor)? Am I putting myself in the right situations with great intentions or am I looking at my intentions more than what the situation can become? Am I not made for better than this? Do I not deserve better than this?


Then it occurred to me (and this isn't a first time I have thought this, just been a while) that God has protected me from situations when my intentions sucked so that I wouldn't miss out on other blessings. Other times, I have been on a crappy end of a situation so that I could see what better blessings lie ahead of me. My favorite saying? It can only get better from here. Am I going to continue to make selfish choices and purposefully plant myself in a situation or place, thinking that I will receive something great? Or, am I going to brave this busted blessing life and continue to move onward? I'm going to go with the latter. No more purposefully seeking out blessings for selfish gain. But rather, living a life of love-on my own- and know that if I continue to do what God has called me to do--teach, encourage, laugh, be ready to go, and love deeply and hard--then my busted blessings will turn into bountiful blessings.

I know I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure. Sometimes, though, our busted blessings bring brokenness that brings us back to where we belong. Back to finding my true self-worth in something greater that cannot be gained or found in this world. Unless it's a pumpkin spice latte-- those always bless my soul.

It's over.

Two words that can turn any one's world upside down in so many contexts. It can mean that the life storm has passed and calm waters are ahead. It can mean that a event is done and you sadly missed the whole show. It can be said in the meaning that the week is done-- and it's the weekend! Or, that the weekend is over. So sad.

Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.

Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.

Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.

Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.

At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.

Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.

In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?

I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)

So, what are we to do? Of course,  we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?

Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.

When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.

At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.

She believed she could. So she did.

    I am a woman of determination. Like my mother has said, "You have become a woman that when someone tells you that you can't do something or you get tired of waiting--you will do whatever it takes to get it done." And that was my attitude for this past year.

    2013 was a huge turning point for me. 2012 was not my year. It was a year of lows, personally. So, I was determined to make 2013 my year. With my friends and family rallying behind me, picking up pieces of the chaotic hot mess that I was--I knew  I needed to set goals. Every time there is a special occasion, my friends and I have a special moment of "cheers and toasting!" On my birthday, with three of my best friends by my side and their husbands, we celebrated the night with wine and a ridiculous game of Partini (if you've never heard of it- it's a stupid game that we somehow turned it into 3 hours of entertainment). We toasted to 2013 being my year.  The few days afterwards, I was browsing Pinterest and found this quote/verse.

 

   It's amazing how God can use Pinterest to speak to you! Has anyone else ever had that happened to them? Anyways, I kept rereading this scripture over and over. As I prayed in my quiet time that day, I had a peace that came over me. A peace that whispered in my ear, "Wait. God has great promises for you this year." So, that's exactly what I did. Philippians 3:13: I am not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. And that's exactly what I did. I looked ahead to 2013 and fully embraced what God had promised to me for this year. I have to say, I am sad to see 2013 come to an end. It was a year of new beginnings, new adventures, and a new attitude. So what happened over the past year? Well, let's just take a trip down memory lane and see what exactly I learned from this year.

 

1. Sometimes you have to just let people leave your life. If they walk out on you, then your destiny is not tied to them. It's hard to see someone you love choose a lifestyle that you will never understand. But, you have just have to trust and let go.
2. My brother is more entertaining sober. I have laughed more in the past year with him than I have in years. What was once a broken relationship, God has restored. But let's not dwell on the fact that I'm almost 30 and he's almost 40 and we're roommates.
3. Be bold and speak up. This has come more truer this past year than ever. I typically keep thoughts and feelings internalized. However, past situations and relationships has forced me to stand my ground and put myself first. If anything, sometimes I now need to be less vocal (filter!) and keep my mouth closed--especially at work.
4. I have come to love teaching--again. I lost my passion last school year, and I hated feeling that way. Bogged down by the political aspects of education and not being extremely happy in my work environment--I wanted a change. Thankfully, God blessed me with a great coworker across the hall, and a fabulous start to a new school year. I still have my moments, but it's nothing that a little Mexican can't fix and an afternoon in the Rocking Thinking Chair.
5. Bettering the butt! That has been my motto. When I was at my low at the end of 2012, my dear friend Robin forced me to start running to keep my mind moving and focus on the pain of the hills at Dorman. Then, came Barre class. Or as my brother calls it--getting up on the pole class. Robin started going to classes at Studio B and invited me to go. I was kind of skeptical. Then sweet Nancy bought my first month free. So, I had to go. After my first class, I was hooked. Studio B has become another place where I channel my stress and frustrations--all while bettering my butt! It has become a win-win situation. Thanks to Brooke for being the encourager; Allison for yelling at me to squat and squeeze another inch lower when she's secretly mad at herself for her "bad eating"; and to Sweet Mary for telling me that I deserve an hour to smile, work at my personal best all while learning some sweet tribal dance moves.
6. Always seize an opportunity to see old friends. I honestly have never realized how much I missed my old friends until I started making random trips across the state to see them. If anything, I need to see the more--they do my soul good. Plus, it's always a good excuse to get away from the madness every now and then.
7. Be you. When I started dating, I had this preconceived notion of a certain girl I should be. And honestly, I forgot who I was in the whole process. Each guy I dated, I tried to make myself be the girl that he would like. Epic failure. Wait for the person who you can be your complete self around. It is worth it.
8. God brings people into your life at the perfect moment. I guess it goes back to my verse: waiting patiently for God's promises.
9. When you pray for God to close a door or leave it open--don't be shocked when he actually slams it shut. But be on guard for what may come next. Be open to possibilities and give people a chance to prove you wrong.
10. Guard your heart. Be careful with who you share with and who you become "intimate" with on a daily basis. And I don't mean sexually. Your deepest thoughts and words when spoken to someone cannot be taken back.
11. When your friends offer advice, they are only looking out for your best interest. Be open to listen but in the end-- you decide what makes you happy.
12. Talk it out. Communicate. It hurts to know that a broken relationship could have been restored or saved if we did just a little bit more communicating and tried to understand one another. Sometimes it's a little too late but you never know what the future could bring.
13. Forgiveness. It can change your attitude and your lifestyle. What is so beautiful about forgiveness is that it happens when you least expect it. I had to forgive some pretty important people and move past some situations in my life this year. And it's incredible how God prepared my heart for these opportunities of forgiveness. If He hadn't prepared my heart, I would still be harboring bitterness, hate, and loneliness.
14. Laugh. God has put me in some pretty crazy situations that all you can do is laugh. I have learned to laugh at my self, my mistakes, and my triumphs.
15. Don't compare yourself to others. Focus on your positives and move from there. When you focus on your weakness, it can rob you of joy. Only focus on your weakness when you are determined to change that weakness for the best.
16.  Be ready for opportunities that come a-knocking! But also remember that every opportunity that is presented to you is not one that you should take. Pray for discernment. Ask for wisdom to be spoken to you. Then, be bold and act.
17. Fight for what you want.
18. While your friends are moving ahead in their own personal life, be happy for them. Know that while "nothing happening" everyday may seem to be your motto (cKb!) of life, your friends need you just as much as you need them. Be glad that they want to share their happiest moments with you.

    I tried to come up with two more to make it to twenty, and my mind is done for the night. It's a lot to reflect on the past year. But I think coming up with 18 lessons learned is pretty good. Even if you learned one lesson from 2013, that was worth the whole year. What's to come in 2014? New goals. New determination. New opportunities that I am super excited about.

 

   2013. I waited patiently. I endured trials. I endured promises. I can honestly say that I received God's promises this year. I just wonder, what are God's promises for next year? I can hardly wait. 

When God Blesses You with Pregnant Friends

   Who doesn't love a pregnant belly? Well. Let me take that back. I saw some unattractive pregnant bellies today at the Southern Christmas Show. However, my friends have all been some of the most beautiful pregnant ladies I have ever seen. I'm not saying that because they are my friends but they all have truly carried their pregnancies effortlessly.

   Having pregnant friends hasn't been the easiest transition for me. I always had this picture that my friends and I would be pregnant together. But, when they all got married before me I kind of kissed that idea goodbye. So, I embraced each wedding shower and wedding event with love, excitement, and happiness for my friends. I have had to learn how to do this with baby showers, now. When Meredith first found out she was pregnant with Ben, I was so excited because I knew that this was something that she and Bryan had been praying for to happen in their life. I loved watching Mer's belly grow each month, see and feel Ben move, and loved accompanying Mer to dinners at Wade's at least once a week. When Benny Boo came into our world, mine and Mer's relationship changed. It took extra work, extra planning, and a whole lot more communication between me and her so our friendship wouldn't take a hit. I had to learn to be more understanding that Mer's priorities had changed, her schedule was no longer like mine and she was now a mother.

    Having one friend with a child--I was ok. I still had my other friends that were married but without kids. I was (and still find myself behaving this way) selfish in wanting my friends to myself. Then, Lindsey found out she was pregnant with sweet Ellie. When Lindsey blurted out to me one day at school that she was pregnant, I didn't believe her. It took her 15 minutes to convince me. Lindsey and I would dream about what little Ellie would look like, what her personality would become and how I could not wait to buy her sweet outfits. I was dreading Lindsey going out on maternity leave because she was going to be gone from January until Spring Break that year. When Lindsey had sweet Ellie and I was self declared as the "single hot aunt," I knew our friendship would be different but also sweeter. I saw Lindsey struggle with coming back to work and therefore, stocked her desk drawer full of M&Ms that we demolished in less than two weeks of her being back. What can I say, I am sympathy eater.

   Within two weeks, Camille and Lauren told me they were both pregnant. Camille became one of my closest friends in NC. When my time ended in NC, Camille was the only friend that continued to make an honest, true effort in staying in touch with me. Camille and I used to joke about us becoming mothers and how we would have to support one another together because it was going to be the only way we would get through the pregnancy and parenthood. When Camille called me with the news of her pregnancy, I cried tears of sweet joy. Camille decided to be the brave one and have a child before me. I was so happy! Then came Lauren. Lauren was always my fun friend. The one that I found myself getting into trouble with, or really we just dodged trouble. We never got caught. She was my rendezvous friend. Random dinners, coffee dates, and waxes was our go to. When Lo told me she was pregnant, it hit me so much harder than my other friends' pregnancies. With her, it became reality that my friends are growing up, and I am still a sitting duck. Also, Lo having a kid is silly to me because she is such the child at heart. But I know that she will be one of the most loving, compassionate mothers I will ever know. Plus, seeing her little "kickball belly" grow has been amazing. You can't even tell she pregnant from behind--it's insane.

 

   Finally, Valen told me one night out that she is planning on trying to have a baby in the next year. I was floored, and I am ashamed to say that it wasn't a pleasant floored. I was crushed. My final baby-less friend is wanting to have a baby. I will be surrounded by babies. What in the heck am I going to do with my life? I need to move and make new friends. I told Valen that when it's my time to finally have my long awaited bachelorette weekend, all my friends will be pumping-and-dumping while I just enjoy my bottle of pink Champagne..alone.

   It didn't take me long to feel convicted of my attitude towards my friends. While the transition has been hard, I realized I need to be happy and enjoy the blessing of having pregnant friends. I started to ask myself how have I been blessed with being surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers? In the last year, I have learned so much about a pregnant body that I did not even know existed (this leading me to my current fear of going through labor). They will be able to offer me so much advice and wisdom when it is my turn (because despite what Newbie says, I do want children...one day). I should be so lucky to be surrounded by best friends that have experience as being excellent mothers. I have watched my friends who have been wonderful friends become wonderful mothers. I have gained so much more respect for these women. They juggle being a mother, a wife, and full time job but they always have time for me and my crazy antics. They listen, they encourage, and they sometimes even indulge in my fantasies. I find myself being envious of my friends and their life--coming home to a husband and a child that they love unconditionally. I envy the chaos and the beautiful mess of their life. On the contrast, my friends have been quick to remind me to enjoy my time not being tied down. They live through my dating life, my random adventures, and freely offer advice on helping me calculate my next move. They are still my cheerleaders, as I am also theirs. So, in the next year, right before I turn thirty, I will savor the moments of sweet baby smells, little laughs, the first birthdays, the inquisitive questions from Ben and enjoy being the hot single aunt. It won't last forever.

  

  

The Little Things... Starting with Prayer

   Today in church I saw the smallest little gesture at the end of the service. I am pretty sure no one else saw this, as it was during prayer time. And I am sure this husband did not think it was a big deal, but I picked up on it. As our pastor was ending in prayer, I was bowing my head and I caught a movement to my right. As I glanced over, I noticed that a husband had wrapped his arms around his wife's shoulders, and whispering a prayer in her ear, fervently. I don't know what prayer was he praying; whatever it was must have been a sweet, merciful prayer because as he prayed, tears streamed down her face. I couldn't help but stare. He did this throughout the whole closing prayer. It's not uncommon to see couples go down to the front alter and bow together to pray. Or see couples join hands during prayer. But to see this couple, off to the side, praying quietly with the husband leading the prayer was absolutely powerful and touching.

    This image has stuck with me all day. How blessed is that woman that her husband--who without shame, would wrap his arms around her and whisper a prayer in her ear, not caring who noticed, or who even heard his prayer. I would think that this is an indication of their prayer life. I would like to think he prays for his family like this each day. Maybe he wraps his arms around his wife each night before bed and prays. Maybe he does the same for his children, and even his grandchildren. A praying husband is a powerful blessing to have in a marriage that is based on Christ.

    Instantly, I prayed "God, send me a husband like that. A husband that will wrap his arms around me, whisper prayers in my ears that would bring sweet tears to my eyes. Tears of joy, tears of appreciation, tears of love." Knowing that God is going to give me a man who not only loves me as deep as Christ loves me, but that will also lift me up in prayer on a daily basis is one of the most humbling, enduring treasures I cannot wait to experience.

   I don't know who my husband is for God has not exactly revealed this yet (for I keep telling myself God is a god of perfect timing). But I would hope that my husband, whoever or wherever he is, is praying a passionate, truthful, honest prayer for God's will in my life and his life. I came across a great blog called Paul's Ponderings. He wrote a post on how a Christian man can pray for his girlfriend and for God's will to be done in her life and also in his. You can find it here. Definitely worth for all men and women to check out.

  So, as I thought about that couple today and I look at where I am right now I am reminded: that couple-- that praying couple-- that is what I long for, that is what God has planned for me one day. I just know it. This I pray...

"...we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding..." Colossians 1:9-10

  

  

What date night?

    As I was scrolling through Pinterest tonight, I noticed several pinners have pinned links to different "date" activities. One said, "50 almost free date night ideas!" Another said, "31 different date nights for each day of the month." And my current favorite, "50 Fun Fall Date Ideas." Now, I'm not knocking these date ideas or websites because I think some of them are honestly legit good ideas for couples. But then it got me thinking, "What does a date night look like?" Or rather, "What constitutes a date?"

   When you are in a relationship, the girl always looks forward to a date night with the one she is seeing. I know I do. I'm not hinting that the guy doesn't look forward to it-- I just think the guy looks at it in a rather different light: make plans, show up, hang out, take the girl out, the end. But a girl likes a little bit of effort, even if it means you just picking out the restaurant to dine at for the evening.
For example, I always hated the dreaded, "Where do you want to eat?" conversation. Just pick a flippin' place. If I don't want it, then I will let you know. My current "date" is pretty good in this department. He picks the place, and I just go with it. It's been refreshing. But, there are other times where his ADD mind has caused us to go to four different parking lots because he's not sure just where he wants to eat. But, we typically have our four basic places we like to dine at, so it's not usually a traumatic process.

    Lately, I have heard so many couples (married and dating couples) complain that they just have not had time together. I had MA tell me today she probably saw her husband for a total of 6 hours this past week. I had a coworker tell me that she probably spoke a total of 5 sentences to her husband in one day. Another friend's husband is going back to school so she feels like she's been pushed to the back burner lately. Another friend is dating a guy that is an engineer at Clemson. She said it was over two weeks before they finally were able to spend some time together the other day. Life is ridiculously busy. With my new "date interest," our schedules completely conflict. It's been a struggle to find the time and the energy to see one another at least one night during the week/weekend. The last couple of Friday nights I have deemed "Friday Date Night."  Last night we were able to hit downtown Greenville, which we have never done together. We were like two little kids-- excited to leave work behind, grab some dinner with some fun friends and just make a night out of it (which I have to say, it was one of the better Friday nights I have had in a while). We try to make plans a couple days before to see one another and just take a night off from the drama we call work. And, it has been amazingly nice. I found myself looking forward to getting through the week and just enjoying that one-on-one time that we don't get a lot during the week. It doesn't always happen, but we try.

   And I don't think it's that people don't want to see each other. Life gets in the way. That's just it. It always gets in the way. But, we have to find a way to push life aside, make spending time and creating date nights as part of life. So I guess my essential question is, "What does a good date night look like?"

    I think this could go several ways. I love dressing up, throwing on my favorite jeans, boots, freshening up my make up and go out for dinner and a couple of drinks. I love being picked up, complimented on how nice I look, have a conversation with someone other than an eight year old, and made to just enjoy the night out. But even then, after a while, that gets old. That's where a good night in comes into place. A night in my sweats and a movie to watch on TV, with me falling asleep on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket. It's hard to not just collapse when you get home and not speak to one another. Especially when you have children. Then, it that case, planning a night out isn't as easy-- it ends up requiring so much more planning and becomes tedious.

   But, that's the thing-- date nights don't have to require a lot of planning. It can be nice to be surprised and have an elaborate date preplanned. But who says a date can't consist of you two carving a pumpkin or two one night (hint, hint, cough, cough)? Who says a date can't consist of you two sitting on the porch after the kids go to bed, talk and share a glass of wine? Who says you can't just decide to stay in, cook dinner and have a little dance party in the kitchen? And what about going to church on Sundays then having lunch afterwards at Wade's? Or, even better, take in a football game for the day or a quick trip to the mountains?

    When the routine is changed up, it makes you really appreciate your time together. When you do something new together, like go out with a group of friends that you don't typically see, you get to know that person in a whole new light. When you try something new, you see other quirks or sides of that person. And this is so important, especially when you are just starting to date a new person. You want to see how a person reacts in a certain situation. For example, the "date" and I were watching TV one night and our viewing channel landed on an episode of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" Little did I know how competitive he is and how competitive I can be in games-- it became our "thing" to do when we are hanging out. Which sadly, he has beat me every time. Astrology and random geography questions get me every time. I will win, one day.

   So, I think, just spending time together can constitute a date night. Anytime I would go out with someone a few times, my closest guy friends would say, "Ok, so has he taken you on a date? Has he treated you like the princess you deserve to be treated like? And a Mexican restaurant doesn't count." (Which by the way, I think it totally does.) And yes, we like to be taken out and wooed, but the comfort of the couch or a ride in the car is just as enjoyable (as long as the couch and the house doesn't become a common date area). Make time for one another to do something fun, to spend time together. You each deserve it. If time isn't possible during the week, go ahead and make plans for something fun to do when a free night opens up. Make each other a priority.

   And if you're single and not dating anyone--girl, I know how you feel. Just go ahead and take yourself out on a date. Get some Outback take out, or my personal favorite, a feast of Mexican food and just lay it all out on the table and indulge. Treat yourself to a new pair of boots (did that Thursday) and a hot afternoon coffee (did that Wednesday). Pamper yourself. Dating yourself sounds crazy. But, those moments are when you learn the most about yourself. Hmm. I'm thinking I may have to look into expanding that thought in the near future...

   Date nights. It can be as simple as you want it, or it can be as elaborate as you wish it to be. But as long as you are spending any quality time with someone you care for, call it a date. And if you're stuck on ideas, don't worry-- Pinterest has your back, or rather your dates, covered.

There's a cold front coming through. Oh wait, that's just Jess.

    I'm a nerd. Want to know why? I bought season tickets to the Dorman games this year...again. I know, I know. But, it's kind of become a Friday night highlight social event each week. There are about four rows of us, about six families that always go together. We get the same seats each year--50 yard line, second row from the front. Sometimes we tailgate before. Other times we go eat before the game. Our little gang has grown each year.

    Friday night I was catching up with my friend Ali. Her kids went through RES and we met through a mutual friend, who also is part of our little Friday night gang. I haven't really had the chance to hang out with Ali lately so we were catching up on life. Like most married women, Ali was asking about my...wait for it...wait for it... my dating life. I don't know why every one finds it so intriguing. I don't think it's very interesting. If anything, it's quite...boring. She was asking if I was seeing anyone, how other past dates have panned out, or any interests or potential dates. I filled in her on some summer escapades and other random adventures that I have found myself in (I use the term adventures loosely). I was telling her about my rule of "I don't call or text first. IF I do, it's very random." I guess I am more old school. If a guy is interested, he will pursue me I think that has gotten lost over the last decade. Especially with technology, where a text can be sent, received, read, and responded to in less than 15 seconds. Why put myself through that torture of texting a guy and him not responding, leaving me wondering what the HECK he could be doing for him to not respond to me--or worse, decline my invitation of hanging out. (On a side note: dating through technology is the devil.) I guess, now that I think about, I am just trying to save myself from rejection because we all know it sucks.

   When I told Ali my rule, she got kind of quiet. And then she just looked at me. She then made the comment, "Are you sure you're giving off the vibe that you're interested? Because sometimes, that may come across that you're not if you don't keep in touch with him." I thought about it and said, "I don't think so. If he wants to be with me, he'll contact me and make an effort." Ali then replied, "True. But sometimes, you are hard to read. Heck, even I have a hard time reading you sometimes. Maybe you not calling or texting is showing him that you're not really interested or care." And I thought about that.

    Am I being hard to read? Am I playing hard to get? Then, Ali commented, "You like being the challenge." I do like the challenge. I do like knowing that someone has to work to be with me. But, do I make it too difficult sometimes? I believe there should be a guard up. But, is it more of a guard or has it become The Great Wall of China? Girls, at what point are we just guarding our hearts, or are we being too much to handle?

   My brother has always said I can be the most loving, sweet girl. But, when I am finished with you, and if I don't really care to talk to you any more-- I can come across as a total witch and cut you off completely. It's a Castro thing. My grandfather is like that. My dad is like that. I'm like that. I get it honest. And I guess that is what makes it hard to read me. It's not that I don't like you. When I'm over a situation or someone, I move on. In high school, I used to have so many people say that they were intimidated by me because I looked pissed off all the time. No, that's wasn't a pissed off look. I was just in deep thought.

     Maybe I should be more "warm." But, geez, I'm not a kitten. It's hard finding that balance. You don 't want to come across as that clingy girl that just becomes obsessive. But you don't want to be that girl that is too high maintenance. I don't know. I know I will find my groove and balance with the right person. However, until then-- sometimes are worth waiting for and worth fighting for. It just depends on how much of a fight you want to put up.

Knocked Out and Let Down.

     What a perfect first week of school. My kids are precious. They are funny. They are hard workers. They are motivated to learn. They have been kind!

     We have a new team of teachers. It's a new school year. It's a clean classroom. I have hit this week-full fledge head on.

    Come Thursday night, after a Mexican dinner with MB, those refried beans were not feeling too good on my stomach. At 1:30 Friday morning, I was jolted out of the bed to the bathroom for the next hour. Talk about jump starting a diet! (lost 2 pounds!!)

    Food poisoning.

    Are you serious? Food poisoning the first week of school? This is not happening. I ended up having to call in a sub because I just could not take any chances. I didn't want to get any of my kids sick and I didn't want to wear my body down more than it already was. I felt horrible. Not just horrible from the food poisoning but horrible for not being there the first Friday of the school year. I felt like I let my kids down. This resulted in me sleeping most of Friday away and staying in Friday night...like a loser.

   Later on that day, my good friend CPR from NC called to check up on me and to catch up. We were talking about friendships and how difficult it can be to stay in touch with a friend, especially when they are a good distance away. Just like with CPR, when I was spending almost every weekend in NC, we were together on the weekends almost (if not more) than I was with "the boy." Then, when I was no longer spending time in NC, I don't see her as much as I would like. For example, yesterday, she made the comment, "The new Longhorns opened but (her husband) is playing golf, and I have no one else to go with. But if you were here..." And I would have been at the Longhorn in a heartbeat if I could just so I could spend some one-on-one time with CPR again.

     But, it takes great effort on both parts to build a friendship and keep it in motion. Distance or no distance. And when we feel like a friend isn't making any effort in keeping the friendship going, we feel let down. I know this is a weakness of mine. I get so caught up in making sure that I hang out with this friend, and knowing I have another event to be at, and then I have to go to dinner with this group...I neglect some of the most precious friends and friendships. But how wonderful is it to have friends that offer grace and understand when things get hectic, you get out of place.

    I think it does come down to priorities. On Earth, who are your number one priorities? Or what are some of your top priorities? Family? Your job? Your friends? Your spouse? Your kids? Church? Where does it start? And where does it end? Obviously, your top priority should be your relationship with Christ. Where does that stand in comparison to everything else? I know for me, personally, it hasn't always been my top priority until the last year when I was knocked down and felt like the wind was knocked out of me. That was God's way of saying, "Boo-yah! Knocked you down. Now, get up and let me help you." My quiet moments early in the morning or late at night on my porch have become some of the most awakening moments of my life. Lately I have not been feeling the best about myself and my body. Last Sunday, I woke up at 7:30, wide awake. What in the world? I debated on going back to sleep or getting up. Something told me to get up, go to the porch, and just read--that there was something He wanted to show me. So I did just that and would you know, my whole quiet time was about being a Lady of Virtue. God knew what I needed. I could have easily rolled over and ignored God, but I knew He was priority. And if I didn't continue to keep him as my priority, then I was going to miss out on a blessing and a word that I was so desperately needing to hear.

    But, where do family and friends and work fall into that? Well, my priorities are obviously going to be slightly different than others. For me, I have no husband to come home to-- just my little Jozier. But your family has to come first. Then your friends and work. Sometimes your friends are your family. My single momma friend CL has a freshman daughter in high school. And I never seen someone sacrifice and work so hard to make her daughter a priority, give her what she needs and wants, and raise her to be the young woman she is today. Recently, they took a trip to the beach right before school started and CL didn't take her work stuff with her. It was just time for her and her daughter. And she commented that it was one of the best getaways she had with her daughter in a very long time. Often times CL would have to put herself on the back burner but as a mom, she knew what she needed and had to do. But, I have seen blessings come out of CL because of her sacrifice and honor her daughter-- and it's not the end, either. Kudos to you, CL, kudos!

    With the school year starting, sports and tournaments coming up, and the craziness that can comes with each new week, month, and year-- remember your priorities. Who are you spending time with? Are you making promises and keeping them? Are you equally setting time aside for Him, your family, and friends? Don't be the friend that let's others down. But, remain strong so you don't get knocked out.I know there are some areas I need to work on--some friends I need to do better at keeping in touch with--some family I need to spend more time with--and others that I need cut back time.

I just don't even know

    School started back this week. And my brain feels like it has been on overload. It feels like we have been in school for three weeks--and actually, it's only been two days.

    Lord, help me. My class has been the one the sweetest, most "normal" classes I have had in long time. It's kind of...weird.

    I'm not even sure what the purpose of this blog is tonight. I just kind of felt like I needed to write something.

    This past weekend I celebrated two of my best friends' birthdays- Lo's and Mer's. Both of these girls have been two of my best friends my whole childhood. I met Lo when were in Bethel Daycare together from early childhood. I met Mer on our first day of third grade--inseparable since then. And these girls--they have been some of the greatest friends I have ever had the privilege of knowing. We have seen each other grow up, graduate high school and college, get married (well, those two have gotten married), and started families. Honestly, I always thought I would be the first to get married and have kids (because I always wanted it so badly) but those two--they beat me to it. And I even hate to use the word "beat" because it's not a race. They married two wonderful men, who are like brothers to me. I don't know many people who would trust their husband with their best friend--but we are like a small family. Three couples, with a three year old, one baby on the way and I'm like that younger, free spirited sister that just does whatever she wants to do and is kept in line by the older three couples. Anyways, my point being, Mer and Lo--I love you two. Happy birthday! Two more years till the dirty 30! That year--it will be a whole celebration all around!

 Probably my favorite picture of Lo--ever. It's her picture when she calls, it's framed in my dining room, and I even think I have a copy at school. Get it girl.

oh, you stupid witch!

 BMW Golf Pro AM Wine and Dine

 Before Ben changed our world!

A girls' weekend away at Harrah's for LBT!

Jazz on the square.

Love these three girls. We may not be the most fancy girls, the best dressed, the richest, or loud mouth partiers. But we know how to love, support, laugh, cry. We make any situation a humorous, life learned lesson (more on that in a later post, achem).

 

     I feel like I need to have some profound post. But this school week (all two days of it) has taken all of me. However, I will say, I felt like I have a better since of "clarity" this school year. Officially, on my own. I feel like it's a year of changes. And I just know it's going to be my year. The number seven has always been my number. This is my seventh year teaching. So with that in mind, I just know it's going to be a great year. Sunday night, my aunt and uncle prayed over me at church at our Back to School Service. Having someone that you think highly of, respect, and love deeply pray over you is one of the best, tenderhearted, wholesome moments of your life. As my uncle prayed over me, and as my aunt whispered sweet prayers in my ears, tears streamed down my face. I felt a peace just come over me. I wasn't as anxious as I have been. I wasn't as stressed. I wasn't worried. I wasn't fearful. I heard God say, "Ok, Jess. Trust me. I will guide you--but you have to trust me." So, I trust. I trust that this year will be one of the better years I have had in a long time. I trust that this year God will stretch me--will change me. I trust that this year God is going to move big in my life. I trust that he is preparing me for something great--because I have been restless-- and I know it's going to be insane amazing. How do I know? Because he's that good--and he's just that type of God.

 

    With all that being said, I must retreat to my quiet place with The Jozier. I'm not sure when another "deep" post will hit me--maybe after I have refueled this weekend. I need a late morning in my bed, a belly full of laughs, and a lot of stress relief. After all, that's when God seems to speak to me the most and say, "See--you're ok. Look at how much happier you are in me, than you were in yourself."

 

     Ditto, God. Ditto. 



I'm healed! Oh wait.

     The last few posts have been intense. So let me share a funny with you today.

     The last couple of days my vision has been off. My right eye was all funky, red, and swollen. So I stayed in one night and kept a cold compress on it, hoping it would heal or at least the redness would go away. I wore my glasses for a couple days, not sure what the deal was. And I kept thinking, "What if while I am in Nicaragua my vision gets worse?? I'm going blind! I need to make an eye appointment." (but I never did)

     Yesterday I attempted at wearing my contacts. Everything was off. My right eye was focusing at such a more intensity than my left. I felt like I was looking through everything like a drunk. Last night at dinner, my friend CL was laughing at me because I could not focus. I was squinting, covering my eye, winking. I thought, I have a serious problem.

     I come home from dinner and do my routine. Put on my robe, take out my contacts, take my medicine and climb into bed. I pass out immediately. This morning I wake up to use the bathroom and as I am sitting there, Josie walks in. I think, wow. I can see her clearly out of my right eye. I proceed to cover my left eye and thought, "O my gosh! My vision is, like, perfect! (I think this for literally a split 5 seconds)." Then, I feel something move in my eye. It's my flippin contact. I check my contact case to see if I did indeed take out my right contact last night. And I did. All along I have been wearing two contacts in the right eye for the last two days.

    I need a vacation.
 

Inhale. Exhale.

 

Yup. That about sums it up.

      Why blog? Well. It's cheaper than therapy. I've always been a writer. Not a fancy writer. But just writing down thoughts, prayers, memories--whatever is on my mind at that point of time. Writing helps me sort out my thoughts. While I have some amazing, very open and honest friends, writing is a time where I can think alone. (Side note: thanks girls for being vocal. sometimes.)

 

      So I decided to start blogging again. The crap I have been through lately has been so out there--you just can't make it up. I joked that I was going to start a blog and keep with all these antics. But after this last ridiculous weekend- it's time.

 

      What can you expect on my blog? Humor. Truth. Honesty. Stories of my dating life. Stories of the teaching world. Stories of my family and friends. Whatever fancies my fanny. Hopefully, blogging will become another outlet of sharing my opinions. Other than you know, Facebook (which I deactivated my account for the time being--more on that later), Twitter (follow me! @jesscee) or Instagram. I'm a social media junkie. Wow. The world can be so invasive sometimes.

 

      So I am putting it all out there. Well, except for my va-jay-jay because I'm not Britney Spears or a Hollywood whore.