Until today. I realized I put myself in situations where my intention seems good at the time. I think I know what I'm doing, when reality, I have no clue what direction I am heading in. Then the situation that unfolds is greater than my intention. That's where my fault lies. I try to control or dominate the situation. We like to control where we go and what we do because then are no unexpected surprises or curveballs. If we were completely honest, how many times have we put ourselves in a path, whether it is with a job, a relationship, friendship or what not just for hopes that we are going to receive something great--a blessing. We strategically plan out the step by step (subconsciously) process thinking that if we do this, we will receive this great reward or blessing.
For example, if I plan two extra hours a day for my classroom instruction, then it is bound to be a great lesson and all my students are going to be extravagantly blessed by my hard work! OR if I plant myself in this online dating world, then I am bound to meet the man that is going to just sweep me off my feet and make all my wishes and dreams come true because I created the perfect profile with the perfect picture! OR, it's ok if I hang out this one time with a friend. Nothing of harm can come from it. I am totally guarded. I'm just trying to be a blessing to that friend!
All that is great (intention) until...the lesson falls apart because time is against and you didn't realize that 24 kids would take all the energy out of you; you are blessed with the one-date curse and you go out on seven first dates and you start to think, "Ok. Maybe it is me."; or the trust of that friend is betrayed and your blessing becomes a burden of a friendship. Back to Point A, or whatever point you are coming from at the end of that moment.
The last week I have been thinking about where I have found myself lately. Working my butt off to make the best of a situation in my classroom. Supporting myself and making ends meet at the end of the month on a single teacher's salary. Balancing time between friends and trying to be the best friend that I can be to each person. And I thought to myself, where has this gotten me? I used to have this guinea pig (one of my many class pets) and we would put in this rolling ball and let it roll around the classroom. Gwinnie would roll into the wall, then roll back and roll around for a little while and then run into a desk. She would do this for an hour-no true direction, just bumping and rolling around the classroom. And lately, I have felt like Gwinnie-- not sure I am making progress in any area of my life. Just rolling around. When I hit a wall, I back up and keep going until I hit another wall. Last Sunday, I had a breakdown at my mom's, saying that I pretty much couldn't do life anymore (we all have those moments, whether you like to admit it or not). What blessing have I been? What blessings have I received? If this is God's blessing for my life, then it is busted obviously. Is this what God really wants for me? Nearing thirty, all friends married with kids, a job that seems to be too much to handle at times, living in the ghetto with my older brother that leaves his dip cups around the house that Josie and Midge end up getting into (and I find myself asking is that poop or dip on the floor)? Am I putting myself in the right situations with great intentions or am I looking at my intentions more than what the situation can become? Am I not made for better than this? Do I not deserve better than this? Then it occurred to me (and this isn't a first time I have thought this, just been a while) that God has protected me from situations when my intentions sucked so that I wouldn't miss out on other blessings. Other times, I have been on a crappy end of a situation so that I could see what better blessings lie ahead of me. My favorite saying? It can only get better from here. Am I going to continue to make selfish choices and purposefully plant myself in a situation or place, thinking that I will receive something great? Or, am I going to brave this busted blessing life and continue to move onward? I'm going to go with the latter. No more purposefully seeking out blessings for selfish gain. But rather, living a life of love-on my own- and know that if I continue to do what God has called me to do--teach, encourage, laugh, be ready to go, and love deeply and hard--then my busted blessings will turn into bountiful blessings.
