Just another reason to love fall.

Most people do Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday. Let's call today "Memory Monday!" Below is a picture of me and Val the night Lauren went into labor.Val is one of my last "babyless" friends that has been to my go to let's-get-Jean-Icees pool girl and spontaneous drinks after a grueling day of third grade teaching. Her husband, Tony, has been a close friend since high school that I love like a brother and I get treated like the little sister. Last October we were out one night and I had a prediction for Val and Tony: they would be pregnant in the spring of 2014. All my friends laughed and told me to shove it because they were growing tired of my baby predictions (and may I say for the record, I have been correct with each one). Tony and Val laughed and said, "No. Maybe but seriously doubt it." In the back of my mind I thought, "Just wait. I'm calling it now!"

 As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.

 

 

Fast forward to about a month or so ago. Val had texted and suggested we grab lunch one Saturday. I immediately called her up and said, "Cribbs. Poor Educators Saturday. Bottomless Mimosas. We're going." (3 Saturdays out of the month, you can find me at Cribbs in a corner booth between 11-2--never miss an opportunity for bottomless mimosas). When Val arrived, she had a bottle of Peach Moscato--a rarity to find. She claimed Tony found it at the store the other day and bought me a bottle. On the back I noticed a piece of paper taped to it. I asked, "Where you find this? At the half priced liquor discount store?" As I ripped off the paper, there was a picture of her ultrasound (side note: is it bad that a friend announced her pregnancy to me with wine?). I immediately burst into tears--and shocked I didn't drop the bottle. I quickly reassured Val they were tears of joy and not of sadness (refer back to my post when four friends had a baby within months of one another). She hugged me and we stood there in my kitchen and cried. I cried because here were two of my best friends-about to bless me with being a "hot aunt"...again--but at the same time, another change and added blessing to our little group of friends. Val explained to me that she had to tell me before going to Cribbs because she knew I would call her out on not having a mimosa (I'm not that big of a nagger-promise).

 

I continued to ask the usual questions-"How far along are you? How is Tony taking it? How are you feeling? Who else knows? When is your due date?" When she told me how far along she was, I realized that "the night" was in February some time. Val made the comment, "When I peed on that stick and it was positive- I thought of you, Jess." Uh. Awkward. Why? The night Lo was in labor, Val had gone to the doctor earlier that day and her options for getting pregnant. I didn't know this. The doctor had told her that her best bet for getting pregnant would either be that night or in the next few nights. Then, when I made the comment about her making a baby that night--she said I called it and was right. Of course I was! Good gracious I am amazingly good.

 

So, here's my congrats to Val and Tony! I am so excited for you two! I can't wait to see what a southern blonde hair and a Italian bambino baby looks like!

 

 A friend told me the other day, "You know Jess, every time I see one of your friends get married or is have a baby, I just think of you and how supportive you are...and...well, I kind of feel bad for you." Don't feel bad for me. When I told Newbie about Val and Tony, he asked if I was ok. Believe me, I am enjoying these moments. Seeing the light in their eyes and the glow that comes from my friends as they hold their child and kiss them goodnight--you can't take that way. Watching my friends love more intense and so much more immensely for such a tiny person gives me hope and I can't help but think to myself, "I cannot wait until my friends can see that in my eyes and soul..."

 

(in five years, at least.)



YOLO! Or, maybe not?

     It's been a while since I have blogged. I can't really say I've been busy. Nothing just hasn't really hit me lately. That is, until two friends of mine lost their father unexpectedly.

    When I received the news the two different times that my friends' fathers had passed away, I got a sickening pit in my stomach. My first thought was, "My God, this cannot be happening." My second thought is, "I need to be with them. What can I do?" My final thought was, "This is not going to be easy." Anytime someone passes away, you are left with the "What can I do or say?" syndrome. This past winter, Newbie's step-grandfather passed away and he kept saying, "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't like going to funerals." To which I replied, "No one actually enjoys these things. But, the only thing you can do is just to be present when needed and give love. Don't try to make it up with words."

    And I think what made it the hardest was seeing my friends, who are normally such strong willed women who never cry, break in such a fragile moment. Normally it is I who throws the tantrums or the fits with them consoling me and bringing me back to level ground. With them, they weren't throwing fits. They were missing their daddy--the one who was the first man they ever loved, made them laugh, and taught them to love beach music and NASCAR racing. I can't bring their father back to their world, nor can anyone replace their father. So what do we do?  We grieve for a while. We dwell in memories, stories, and songs of those that have passed. But, with all that going on-we continue living life. We slowly pick ourselves up off the floor, regain some sort of normalcy and look onward. Sometimes it's your family that forces you moving on, knowing they need you. It may be your work that you throw yourself into. But whatever it is, you grab a hold on to this sacred piece and you keep going.

    Earlier today, I was talking to one of my friends that just lost her dad a few weeks ago. As we were texting, she made the comment how she hates seeing her FB filled with people complaining about spending time with their family, having to be somewhere they don't want to be, or finding minor things to complain about in their life. Then she wrote, "I would give anything up to have to go to dinner with my dad." Tears instantly welled up in my eyes (and now as I type this). How many of us have had opportunity to spend time with someone and we had a hard heart about it? Or maybe, we just didn't make that person a priority because we think, "Oh, we'll just go to dinner next Tuesday instead...I'll call her Saturday when I actually have time to talk to her." We get so caught up in our own world that we put those that we love on the back burner, thinking they will always be there. We compromise our time with this person--maybe to spend some time with someone else, to just be alone, or rather we just don't want to do whatever we are supposed to do, probably for selfish reasons. 

     I believe this to be true especially in relationships. It is human nature to be selfish and to look out for your own personal best interests, which isn't necessarily a horrible character trait because I believe sometimes you just have to do what is best for you. But in a relationship, you have to commit to put your other half first a lot of the times. See what their needs are and meet them. Maybe it's just a little bit more communication. Maybe it is doing a kind act for that person. Maybe it's just a simple act of listening. You make time for that person because the truth of the matter is, if you really want to be with that person--you will make an honest true to God effort to connect with him/her--and do it with a grateful heart. You make time for who you want to be with (and I think I have written this before...several times). And I use the word connect because right now, for me, seeing my other half isn't really possible at the moment. So, our connecting and making each other priority has resulted to text messages through out the day, SnapChats, and phone calls before bed to debrief about our day. Do we always get to have decent conversations about what is going on? No, not every day. But we try to at least touch base in the morning and evening. And if that doesn't happen, then some re-direction and a new game plan takes place. I would say that we always have tomorrow, but we don't.

    So, I guess my final thought for tonight is, "Who are you making a priority? What are you making a priority in your life?" It may be a job. It may be school. It may be a hobby. Hopefully it's your family and those that you really care for on a daily basis. This past Sunday, Perry Noble, pastor of NewSpring church made the following statement (or at least along these lines because I can't find my random scrap note paper, dang it): When you put someone or something first, it is obviously the most important thing in your life at that moment. I think a major part of this problem is that society tells that it's ok if you don't want to do something or see someone. The morality of putting others first, staying in touch and building those relationships has gone to pot with technology. Yes, a quick scroll through Facebook will leave you thinking, "Oh! Another baby!...Wedding bells, again!...Oh, girl--hit the gym...Oh what an idiotic comment to make." A quick comment or like can suffice but it can't be everything. Maybe we need to take a moment and figure out what we are placing first--are we spending precious moments with people that we truly care about?  We need those moments with friends and family. Just recently, my three best friends and I decided to up our girls night out from once a month to every other week. We realized that we need each other more than ever--all four of us are at four total different points in our life but we balance each other out. So, setting GNO dates in advance holds us accountable to see one another and it gives us something to look forward to at the end of each week.

    Earlier today, I joked with my friend, "YOLO!" and I absolutely HATE that statement. Nothing makes that statement have such a negative connotation when someone you know personally passes away unexpectedly. And we are left reevaluating our own lives, making ourselves feel inadequate because we aren't doing something out of the ordinary- it reminds us that maybe we aren't living these extraordinary, exciting life. But actually you are. Yes, you live only once but don't be reckless with what you have--don't take those around you for granted. Love on them. Talk to them. Be with them. Because at the end of the day, you can't live in the shadow of past regrets or you'll die each time.
  

It's over.

Two words that can turn any one's world upside down in so many contexts. It can mean that the life storm has passed and calm waters are ahead. It can mean that a event is done and you sadly missed the whole show. It can be said in the meaning that the week is done-- and it's the weekend! Or, that the weekend is over. So sad.

Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.

Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.

Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.

Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.

At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.

Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.

In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?

I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)

So, what are we to do? Of course,  we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?

Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.

When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.

At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.

When God Blesses You with Pregnant Friends

   Who doesn't love a pregnant belly? Well. Let me take that back. I saw some unattractive pregnant bellies today at the Southern Christmas Show. However, my friends have all been some of the most beautiful pregnant ladies I have ever seen. I'm not saying that because they are my friends but they all have truly carried their pregnancies effortlessly.

   Having pregnant friends hasn't been the easiest transition for me. I always had this picture that my friends and I would be pregnant together. But, when they all got married before me I kind of kissed that idea goodbye. So, I embraced each wedding shower and wedding event with love, excitement, and happiness for my friends. I have had to learn how to do this with baby showers, now. When Meredith first found out she was pregnant with Ben, I was so excited because I knew that this was something that she and Bryan had been praying for to happen in their life. I loved watching Mer's belly grow each month, see and feel Ben move, and loved accompanying Mer to dinners at Wade's at least once a week. When Benny Boo came into our world, mine and Mer's relationship changed. It took extra work, extra planning, and a whole lot more communication between me and her so our friendship wouldn't take a hit. I had to learn to be more understanding that Mer's priorities had changed, her schedule was no longer like mine and she was now a mother.

    Having one friend with a child--I was ok. I still had my other friends that were married but without kids. I was (and still find myself behaving this way) selfish in wanting my friends to myself. Then, Lindsey found out she was pregnant with sweet Ellie. When Lindsey blurted out to me one day at school that she was pregnant, I didn't believe her. It took her 15 minutes to convince me. Lindsey and I would dream about what little Ellie would look like, what her personality would become and how I could not wait to buy her sweet outfits. I was dreading Lindsey going out on maternity leave because she was going to be gone from January until Spring Break that year. When Lindsey had sweet Ellie and I was self declared as the "single hot aunt," I knew our friendship would be different but also sweeter. I saw Lindsey struggle with coming back to work and therefore, stocked her desk drawer full of M&Ms that we demolished in less than two weeks of her being back. What can I say, I am sympathy eater.

   Within two weeks, Camille and Lauren told me they were both pregnant. Camille became one of my closest friends in NC. When my time ended in NC, Camille was the only friend that continued to make an honest, true effort in staying in touch with me. Camille and I used to joke about us becoming mothers and how we would have to support one another together because it was going to be the only way we would get through the pregnancy and parenthood. When Camille called me with the news of her pregnancy, I cried tears of sweet joy. Camille decided to be the brave one and have a child before me. I was so happy! Then came Lauren. Lauren was always my fun friend. The one that I found myself getting into trouble with, or really we just dodged trouble. We never got caught. She was my rendezvous friend. Random dinners, coffee dates, and waxes was our go to. When Lo told me she was pregnant, it hit me so much harder than my other friends' pregnancies. With her, it became reality that my friends are growing up, and I am still a sitting duck. Also, Lo having a kid is silly to me because she is such the child at heart. But I know that she will be one of the most loving, compassionate mothers I will ever know. Plus, seeing her little "kickball belly" grow has been amazing. You can't even tell she pregnant from behind--it's insane.

 

   Finally, Valen told me one night out that she is planning on trying to have a baby in the next year. I was floored, and I am ashamed to say that it wasn't a pleasant floored. I was crushed. My final baby-less friend is wanting to have a baby. I will be surrounded by babies. What in the heck am I going to do with my life? I need to move and make new friends. I told Valen that when it's my time to finally have my long awaited bachelorette weekend, all my friends will be pumping-and-dumping while I just enjoy my bottle of pink Champagne..alone.

   It didn't take me long to feel convicted of my attitude towards my friends. While the transition has been hard, I realized I need to be happy and enjoy the blessing of having pregnant friends. I started to ask myself how have I been blessed with being surrounded by pregnant women and young mothers? In the last year, I have learned so much about a pregnant body that I did not even know existed (this leading me to my current fear of going through labor). They will be able to offer me so much advice and wisdom when it is my turn (because despite what Newbie says, I do want children...one day). I should be so lucky to be surrounded by best friends that have experience as being excellent mothers. I have watched my friends who have been wonderful friends become wonderful mothers. I have gained so much more respect for these women. They juggle being a mother, a wife, and full time job but they always have time for me and my crazy antics. They listen, they encourage, and they sometimes even indulge in my fantasies. I find myself being envious of my friends and their life--coming home to a husband and a child that they love unconditionally. I envy the chaos and the beautiful mess of their life. On the contrast, my friends have been quick to remind me to enjoy my time not being tied down. They live through my dating life, my random adventures, and freely offer advice on helping me calculate my next move. They are still my cheerleaders, as I am also theirs. So, in the next year, right before I turn thirty, I will savor the moments of sweet baby smells, little laughs, the first birthdays, the inquisitive questions from Ben and enjoy being the hot single aunt. It won't last forever.

  

  

I just don't even know

    School started back this week. And my brain feels like it has been on overload. It feels like we have been in school for three weeks--and actually, it's only been two days.

    Lord, help me. My class has been the one the sweetest, most "normal" classes I have had in long time. It's kind of...weird.

    I'm not even sure what the purpose of this blog is tonight. I just kind of felt like I needed to write something.

    This past weekend I celebrated two of my best friends' birthdays- Lo's and Mer's. Both of these girls have been two of my best friends my whole childhood. I met Lo when were in Bethel Daycare together from early childhood. I met Mer on our first day of third grade--inseparable since then. And these girls--they have been some of the greatest friends I have ever had the privilege of knowing. We have seen each other grow up, graduate high school and college, get married (well, those two have gotten married), and started families. Honestly, I always thought I would be the first to get married and have kids (because I always wanted it so badly) but those two--they beat me to it. And I even hate to use the word "beat" because it's not a race. They married two wonderful men, who are like brothers to me. I don't know many people who would trust their husband with their best friend--but we are like a small family. Three couples, with a three year old, one baby on the way and I'm like that younger, free spirited sister that just does whatever she wants to do and is kept in line by the older three couples. Anyways, my point being, Mer and Lo--I love you two. Happy birthday! Two more years till the dirty 30! That year--it will be a whole celebration all around!

 Probably my favorite picture of Lo--ever. It's her picture when she calls, it's framed in my dining room, and I even think I have a copy at school. Get it girl.

oh, you stupid witch!

 BMW Golf Pro AM Wine and Dine

 Before Ben changed our world!

A girls' weekend away at Harrah's for LBT!

Jazz on the square.

Love these three girls. We may not be the most fancy girls, the best dressed, the richest, or loud mouth partiers. But we know how to love, support, laugh, cry. We make any situation a humorous, life learned lesson (more on that in a later post, achem).

 

     I feel like I need to have some profound post. But this school week (all two days of it) has taken all of me. However, I will say, I felt like I have a better since of "clarity" this school year. Officially, on my own. I feel like it's a year of changes. And I just know it's going to be my year. The number seven has always been my number. This is my seventh year teaching. So with that in mind, I just know it's going to be a great year. Sunday night, my aunt and uncle prayed over me at church at our Back to School Service. Having someone that you think highly of, respect, and love deeply pray over you is one of the best, tenderhearted, wholesome moments of your life. As my uncle prayed over me, and as my aunt whispered sweet prayers in my ears, tears streamed down my face. I felt a peace just come over me. I wasn't as anxious as I have been. I wasn't as stressed. I wasn't worried. I wasn't fearful. I heard God say, "Ok, Jess. Trust me. I will guide you--but you have to trust me." So, I trust. I trust that this year will be one of the better years I have had in a long time. I trust that this year God will stretch me--will change me. I trust that this year God is going to move big in my life. I trust that he is preparing me for something great--because I have been restless-- and I know it's going to be insane amazing. How do I know? Because he's that good--and he's just that type of God.

 

    With all that being said, I must retreat to my quiet place with The Jozier. I'm not sure when another "deep" post will hit me--maybe after I have refueled this weekend. I need a late morning in my bed, a belly full of laughs, and a lot of stress relief. After all, that's when God seems to speak to me the most and say, "See--you're ok. Look at how much happier you are in me, than you were in yourself."

 

     Ditto, God. Ditto.