Dating from a Distance-One Month Later

   This past weekend officially marked Newbie being gone for a month. Fortunately, his mother suggested a road trip to go visit him a few weeks ago. We decided on this past weekend so I was so excited to head back out to Oxford again. We had a great trip--I didn't make too big of a fool of myself in front of his mother during an eight hour drive there and then back, I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Newbie, see Oxford and Ole Miss, and get to know his precious mother a little bit better. Also, the stories she shared with me about Newbie and being a mother to three boys were priceless. A moment I will treasure in my heart. (Side note: before I left, my mother called to ask if I had "groomed" myself. And I did. It took me an hour to get it all done, but I was smooth and polished upon arrival in Oxford!)

    Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?

    Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.

    I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.

    Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.

   And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?

   After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty  much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).

1.  I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.

2.  Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.

3.  Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!

    So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.

   But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2.  Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3.  Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4.  When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5.  Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.

   Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.

My Buddy and Me

   Can I just say that I am so thankful to have a married best friend? Well, all my best friends are married. But tonight, more specifically I am thankful for Meredith. It's nice to have that friend that you can just confess and indulge secrets with and she will always understand where you are coming from with each situation. Meredith may not always agree and plays a heck of a devil's advocate, but she helps me see each situation and person for what it truly is or can be.

   Tonight, like often, we were comparing relationships of being married to my dating life. We bounce frustrations, laughs, and ideas off one another. The last week or so I have been confused of finding my balance between of being the friend to Newbie to being the girl he is dating. Mine and Newbie's relationship started off as friends, getting to know one another. It started off with me not sure where I stood with him and figuring out what I wanted. With a strong connection, he was (and still can) read me better than most people can. Guarded and after some highs and lows over the summer, I began to push away him but keep a safe distance. Meredith came to me concerned that I was settling and reminded me to stay on guard at all times. Around August I guess it was when Newbie and I began to spend more time together. Small dinners here and there, movie nights with the DVR and a few talks later, things began to shift. I became more comfortable with Newbie and began to accept that we were more than "just friends." We were becoming those friends that our relationship started to turn into more. Not that things were intimate or all romance all the time. It was opposite of that. I almost felt like we bypassed the "romance" part and it all comfort and "relaxation" (I use that term loosely). Not quite a friend but am I "the girlfriend?" I expressed this to Newbie one night and he agreed--sometimes I am treated more like a buddy than a girl he is dating. Also, I can be closed off and shut down when I am feeling inferior to a situation. We talked about how we both wanted to have a foundation of friendship between one another before anything serious, but as I girl I wanted Newbie to express that he is genuinely interested in me more than just a friend.

    Ironically, the next day at church our pastor made a comment about relationships. He said that when it comes to relationships, people focus too much on the romance and not on building the relationship and friendship--the foundation that can make it or break it between two people. Did our pastor have the apartment bugged the night before? I could feel Newbie glaring at me and so badly wanting to say, "I told you." I just didn't even look at him. I took this as God saying, "Enjoy this time. Focus on me and I'll be the glue that can hold the relationship together."

    Fast forward to tonight. I was explaining to Meredith about my concerns (still) about finding the balance between friends and more than friends and where I stand in some aspects. It's not that I don't wonder if Newbie has feelings for me because I know he does.To a guy, he would be saying, "Um, isn't this enough? What else do you need from me?"  But what are the boundaries? It's been that moment of we are more than friends but not crazy exclusive.  Meredith made a comment tonight that made sense. Well, first she asked if I was PMSing (yes--obviously--you probably already thought that in your head). Then she said, "It's good to have a fun loving friendship like buddies. But there has to be a romantic relationship side of it too...otherwise, aren't you just friends?"

    My first thought was, "Yes! She gets it! I'm not crazy!"
    Then of course she hits me with, "But the fun part is really important so don't be upset about it."

   Dang it. She's right. What is so wrong with being with someone that you have fun with? Aren't the happiest couples the ones who can create fun out of nothing and find joy in just being together? Romance is nice-- a special date planned or little surprise but that's not everything. Yes, they are important but eventually it comes down to just being with someone that you want to spend time with. If it's over done then won't those little surprises not be so special anymore? Newbie is going to say I am over analyzing this (I'll be waiting for the text message tonight or tomorrow). But, I cannot be the only one that has felt like this. Growing as a couple, whether it is two friends or a loving relationship it takes work. It takes balance. It takes communication. Newbie says the best relationships shouldn't require a whole lot of work--it should come easily. I agree partly with this. It should be natural, but you should never quit or become lazy. You are praying and hoping that you are doing the right thing--trusting that is supposed to be, will be. Do I get frustrated when laying on the floor I am expecting a back rub but get a wet willy in my ear, or when I am tripped up coming out of a store because he loves the irritated look on my face? Often times, yes. But those moments of a quick peck on the head, a look he gives that can speak a thousand words and the laughter that comes from him because of my quips and dry humor speak more than anything. Tonight I have had to remind myself to enjoy these moments. I would rather have a friend that can make me laugh and bring tears to my eyes because he knows the intimacy of my heart than a relationship that is built on the fluff of how the world says we should date. So, I will take the nights of pizza on the floor, HORSE on Sunday afternoons, and the 3 AM talks of the dreams of our future (water rescue swimmer? artist?) because from this I have gained a special friend that has taught me to take life as it comes and live it to it's fullest.

    As for Meredith, I am glad that she can remind me that while I sound logical in my head, PMS does insane things to a girl's mind. Where's the wine and chocolate?