It's not being called high maintenance. It's called having standards.

    I love scenarios. Let's set the scene, shall we?

    Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.

   Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.

   So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?

   I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?

   Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..

   So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?

   But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.

   Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"

   High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.
  

Wait Quietly

If you truly know me, you know I am not the quietest person. When I get quiet, that's when I am really thinking. I become almost like a recluse. You have to pry personal information out of me. I often get fussed at by one of my best friends for not speaking my mind all the time. I am trying to get better at that with my friends.

However, when it comes to speaking to the good Lord above-- I am not so quiet. I ask questions, I complain, I offer praises, and some nights I find my hand cramping because I realize I have written 5 pages of prayers and thoughts. When I drifting off to sleep, I am talking to Him about a range of things--what tomorrow will bring, why someone said a certain thing to me that day, my response to people who have hurt me, what time I am going to have my coffee tomorrow morning, will my mother ever stop leaving voicemails? When I wake up, I say the Lord's prayer, then ask God to help me find that magical outfit to wear for the day. Or, ask him to give me patience with someone that I just want to punch in the throat (I'm really not that violent).

Lately, I have been discussing with Him why I am put into certain situations, or experiences. I don't often understand why-- and I pray for understanding. And I know our God is a God of perfect timing. Why this person? Why this failed relationship? Why this constant confusion? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? What can I learn from this? How am I going to approach this situation again (because I know it's going to happen again)? Why didn't you end it sooner? Was I that blind? (I just noticed that the teacher in me causes me to ask all the questions--inquiry learning and application, people.) It's no wonder God ever gets a word in edge wise with me. That's probably why God sends me such strong, opinionated friends and slap in the face events. I'm not quiet enough to listen. I then saw this quote on Pinterest this morning.

 

I love that this version says, "Let all that I am." That means every being-every ounce of me. This reminds me of when I went to see my brother in Greenwood the other weekend. We were sitting in the pew at the church service, listening to people give their testimony. A man in front of us stood up to give his. I had already had a previous conversation with this man earlier and he was an interesting character to say the least. And I think the quote he used was, "I didn't know God could save a sinner like me. I was just a singing Elvis impersonator, who was grinding on the weekends." One look at my brother, and we lost it. Well, of course, I could not stop giggling to myself. While I was so thrilled the Lord saved him, I was red in the face where I was trying to stifle my giggle and try not to shake the whole pew from laughing. My aunt left a nice little pinch mark on my arm like they used to do when you are 6 years old, misbehaving during the church service.

 

My point being, I had to use all of me to not just combust with laugher on that pew. And I have to remember that my same being, I have to control myself to be quiet before the Lord. Every ounce. Every being. Every question. I must wait. It's hard to sit and be quiet and to listen. And the verse says before  God. If I could conjure up an image of me and God, it would be something like this. Him, sitting in His chair, with a peaceful smile. Me, sitting cross legged at his feet, sipping my coffee and just being quiet, telling myself to shut up. Almost like playing the quiet game. And just waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And remembering that my hope is in him. When I constantly question what God does in my life, it's almost like I am not fully trusting him. That I am not putting my hope in him. While I think we should ask questions, we shouldn't question God's plan. And lately, I've been questioning God's plan and will for my life. 

 

What is so amazing is that God is so patient. How often do we lose our patience with people? Especially stupid people. As a teacher, you have to learn to deal with "that student" that constantly ask questions. And I always calmly look at "that student" and say, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" And of course, that eager student says, "Yes! Go!" I am just that eager student, that wants to know what comes next. I am always thinking three steps ahead. God is that teacher just smiling, calmly saying, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" Yes, you may. I will be quiet and wait.