A Lady of Security. Give me one week.

   Tonight, I'm toning down the dating scene commentary. Things have been low key for a while. So, I thought I would move in a different direction tonight.

    Over the summer, my mom gave me a slew of books. Being the avid book collector and reader, I was excited. I am blessed to have a mother that loves to read and share with me books she has been reading or have been recommended to her. One book that she gave me was Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. At first I thought, "Great. Another 'Christian dating guide book.' Thanks, Mom. I can't wait to start reading about being patient and waiting for Mr. Right." Total sarcasm of course- and I'm not downing Christian dating books. Sometimes, they just come across as self help and they all start to say the same thing. Be patient! God has the one picked for you. Put God first. You are beautiful in God's eyes. Pray, pray, pray. This is good, true and everything else. But I wanted more in depth questions answered. I wanted to learn more about having a heart for Him. I wanted to bypass all the usual junk that is feed to Christian women, especially young women. I wanted a book that would hit my heart hard and cause me to think. I have heard of Lady in Waiting but never made an effort in reading it...that is, until this summer.

   Reading Lady in Waiting has opened my eyes (and heart) to God's promises for me and showed me that I can easily compromise those promises without even realizing it if I'm not careful. It has caused me to raise awareness in my own life and challenged me to face some dark areas and questions. Yes, I asked God to show me a devotional that would hit hard and He delivered. Each chapter I read always seems to be an area I am struggling with at the time. I haven't read it lately because I have been letting other areas dictate my spare time and take over my quiet time (I will expand on this in a minute). Tonight, I actually had some quiet time to myself so I started to read where I left off at, which was being a Lady of Security.

  At first I thought, "Ok. This won't be bad. I'm pretty secure in who I am." Wrong. First question was Why do women tend to go after the guys? I've always wondered that. Why do we chase? Why do we pursue them? It's exhausting! And obviously, its about being insecure. It can have such a hold on a woman's heart and prevent her from experiencing joy in her current situation. We look for security in a man, but they can't provide the security like God can. We become clingers. Women cling to a guy that she is dating for fear that she will lose him. One time Newbie asked me why I wasn't honest about something I thought and I told him, "It's because I am afraid that if I am honest, I'll lose you." Pathetic, but true. Why should I be scared to be honest? Obviously, I was putting my hope in him, not in God. Kendall and Jones discuss how insecurity can cause one to be jealous and cause unrealistic expectations. Guilty of both of these, daily. I get jealous when time isn't being spent with me. I question things I see on social media or hear. My mind starts to race and I start to get anxious inside and feel like I am not adequate. Then, I hear a voice that says, "Stop, Jessica." I know I'm not the only woman that feels this way--I have had several tell me they completely understand. Women then start to chase the men and (we) feel that (we) must show our love for him in greater and greater ways. We become a manipulator and a maneuver. A manipulator is one who puts herself in situations, places, and times in hopes to get his attention. She may do something out of her heart but there is often ulterior motives, such as getting attention from him. I am more of a maneuver. This was hard for me to admit. Kendall and Jones describe how a woman may cook, wash his clothes or do thoughtful act for a man in hopes to show her love/liking for him-surely doing these things I can win his "like!" They bluntly write When a woman does something really nice for a certain guy, he usually does not spend the rest of the day thinking about her unselfish service (he may be accustomed to receiving). The woman may begin to feel used.

  Wait. You mean he doesn't dwell over that message I sent him? He doesn't brag about how I brought him dinner when he was under the weather. Nope.  Amen. I need to read that again. We think, "Well, I cooked him dinner! I sent him a good morning text! Why isn't returning the favor? One-for-one right?" The true question is what can I really do to win his "like?" Nothing. Now, I don't think these little acts are wrong or that you shouldn't do them--if you have a right motive. But am I doing it because it's bringing honor to Him or because I want "him" to notice that I can throw a casserole together? If I continue to maneuver my way through a relationship, I will have to maneuver to keep him and the relationship in motion. Just that thought makes me tired. I do think some guys appreciate the acts of kind service, and when they do they should express it authentically. But, girls, we cannot continue to serve him with selfish motives or he will come to expect them each time and will leave us feeling like we don't measure up. Will I continue to do kind things for him? Sure-but I need God to show me if my motives are pure or intentional. If we continue to be the manipulator or maneuver, we create situations that drive us crazy that will hinder a growing relationship that God may have brought together. God doesn't need my help. He's got this stuff together, where as I am finding myself scrambling around, pretending like I know what I'm doing but really--I'm a chaotic mess. I don't need to ruin a blessing.

    Really though, who should a woman compare herself to? It's hard when we see a friend acceptance on his FB wall of another attractive women. You want to so badly go digging through her pictures, find out where she lives, what she does, and try to figure out how they know each other. Restrain, ladies. It's tempting (and I'm totally guilty of doing that in the past). But, that just goes back to being insecure. Where is my perspective? Where does your insecurity fall? I know where mine does.

   With that being said, our pastor has asked our church to fast for a week and be in prayer for our country, burdens in our personal life, and our church. I decided to not fast from only one meal a day but from Facebook for a week. I easily spend at least an hour a day on Facebook (not at once) but long enough that I need to refocus this week. It's going to be hard. Besides, the only thing that honestly happens on my news feed are pictures of babies, recipes, and football commentary bashing. It'll all be there when I return. So, loves, I shall return in one week.

Call to Me, and I will show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

Jeremiah 33:3

Flag! Don't Throw Caution to the Wind!

I'm quite the observer--people person watcher. Put me in a bar and I will size each person up and tell you their strengths and insecurities. It's my favorite game to play-- to create these scenarios and fake conversations with a friend with what's going down in a public place. There is so much you can learn from just watching people.

And one thing I noticed are the signs of a crazy girl. They even have that look in their eye. It's a wild, wide eyed look. Or its-a-lot-of-makeup-because-I'm-hiding-something look. I had a lot of guy friends growing up in high school, college and even after college. I loved hearing their dating nightmares and stories. Some were so mind blowing, I thought, "Do these girls truly exist? This cannot be true!"

Oh, but they do exist. One came across my path one night at the end of summer. Once I realized who she was, it all clicked.

Candice and I were out one night for some dinner and drinks. After a while, we were talking about what qualities a girl has that makes them intimidating for a guy. Not having much to choose from a place of dinning at the moment, we chose the best we could to approach. Candice dared me to approach one group, claiming I wouldn't do it. Don't tell me I won't do something because I will prove you wrong. So I approach these guys and proceed to talk to them and ask them questions. Not even being remotely interested in them physically, we ended up just carrying on a casual conversation. They were from The Springs and we ended up knowing some of the same people. Next, a girl approaches and throws herself into the middle of our conversation.

Rule #1-Do not throw yourself into the middle of a conversation. That is rude. Please don't prop your boobs and your body in the middle of a group of people because you want to make your presence known. We got it. Step back. Your perfume is killing me.

She instantly introduces her self as "Steve's" girlfriend. Well, hi to you "Steve's girlfriend." You look a little young, but ok. She isn't sure about my lack of being intimidating by her boobs so she stalks off. She returns composed and again, throws herself back into the conversation, but with her body draped over her boyfriend.

Rule #2-There is no need for the draping. You stated plain as day that he is your boyfriend. I am not even interested. Believe me. Besides, my own red flags were thrown up in my mind about him that you are obviously blinded to.

As we are were all talking I could feel her eyes just looking me up and down.

Rule #3-Don't stare. That's rude. I know you are sizing me up. But a true classy woman sizes other women up by being polite, warm, and charming. You my dear are being a ninny.

Knowing I need to charm my panties off of her, I try to bring her into conversation. As I am midway telling a story, she blurts out, "I know you but you don't know me."

Oh whoa. Wait-what? You never, ever start off saying that to someone you just met. I started racking my brain, trying to figure out how I knew her--her face didn't seem familiar, her name didn't ring a bell, she was obviously younger than me...

I begin to question her how she knew me. She starts off by saying Dorman. Right. Dorman has 3,000 students and that was 10 years ago. I was a quiet, reserved, sheltered girl in high school. Next. That's not it.

She then says, "You were best friends with Suttles." (Suttles was my best friend in high school, college, and still a very dear friend of mine til the day)

The conversation continues like this:
Me: "Oh yeah! Sutt Butt! Now, how do you know him again and know me? I'm still confused."
Steve's Girlfriend: "I went to Clemson with him. He talked about you all the time. I remember when you used to visit him and how you two were always together at Dorman."
Me: (still trying to remember a time I may have met this girl...nope) "Ohhh. Yeah. I used to take weekend trips down to visit him when I could. We've been best friends since we were 16. Did you hang out with Sutt in Clemson?"
Steve's GF: "Yeah. I was like his little sister!"
Me: "Oh really? Because I don't remember you being around." (whoops--sometimes, the words just come out)
Steve's GF: "Well, we just partied together. I guess you didn't party when you came down."
Me: "Yeah, not really. We liked to spend time together you know, visiting, not being drunk all weekend."
(The more she talks about her spending time with Sutt in Clemson, she starts to sound very familiar... I let her continue to talk)
Steve's GF: ."...but then he started dating Lauren. How come you two never dated? You are so much better than her."

Rule #4- Never cut down another man's wife or girlfriend, unless you have a legitimate reason to diss her. But even then, if you claim the man to be one of your close friends, you don't hate on her in public. You keep that crap private. Congrats--you just let me know you are jealous of her and trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth. But nope. I am much smarter than you, Blondie.

Me: "Oh no! Sutt and I were just best friends. We didn't want to ruin the relationship. But he is so happy with Lauren. She seems really sweet and good for Sutt. They called me on the way back from Charleston the weekend he proposed to tell me the good news before it hit Facebook. I was so excited for him!"
Steve's GF: (taken back that I didn't fall into her diss trap and that I was--shocking--happy for Sutt and that he never shared such details with her) "Oh. Well, did you get invited to the wedding? Because I didn't."
Me: "Yep. I cried--it was such a good wedding."
Steve's GF: "Oh did you wish it was you?" (touché, touché)
Me: "No, because again, it was one of my best friends getting married."

Rule #5- You obviously still have some unresolved feelings about this whole situation. And the fact that you knew all about mine and another friend's relationship, and so many facts about us--freaks even me out.

She is stumped at this point. As I am staring at her, I figure out exactly who this girl is. I instantly start to end our conversation and get the heck out of dodge. As I am leaving, I tell her it was nice to meet her and her boyfriend (who I think isn't being true to his true colors if you get my drift).

I call Sutt the next day and tell him about meeting this gem of a woman. Before I can finish my explaining, he is dying laughing because he knows exactly who this crazy girl. When Sutt was at Clemson, he admitted to hanging out with her. He said she always had a crush on him and was jealous of me (flag! flag!). One night, she broke into Sutt's apartment while he was sleeping and climbed into bed with him...without letting him know she was coming over.

Yep. Read that last sentence again. Who flippin' does that? Who breaks into a guy's apartment, unannounced, and climbs into bed with him, and thinks it's ok? Sutt said he about crapped on himself. Who wouldn't if you go to bed alone and find a warm body next to you in the middle of the night?

Ladies. Don't do this. Take a hint. Don't make a relationship out to be something that it isn't. And remember, guys talk. I have now successfully put a name with the face and know you, my dear, are not normal.

It's not being called high maintenance. It's called having standards.

    I love scenarios. Let's set the scene, shall we?

    Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.

   Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.

   So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?

   I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?

   Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..

   So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?

   But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.

   Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"

   High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.
  

Girl, just date yourself.

   I saw this quote on Pinterest tonight and it made me think of how I have been wanting to write a blog post about dating yourself. And after my day today, I knew I needed to go ahead and write about it.

   When "the boy" and I broke up last October, I was obviously very upset. But it wasn't just because I had lost one of my best friends and the only guy I have ever loved but because I knew I was going to be....a-l-o-n-e. I knew I was going to have to face some pretty dark fears and get used to the idea of being just...me. I had made the relationship become the center of my world that I lost myself and who I was--truly. That was the first step--realizing that I sucked at life and I needed to get over it. The reality didn't hit until probably two months after the breakup. As I found myself spending time alone at night, with no one to talk to, and no one to plan weekends for but myself-- I realized that I all of a sudden had this freedom and I wasn't doing a darn thing with it. I wasn't happy with myself, physically and emotionally. I was a wreck. I refused to drink for the longest time because I knew I would hit rock bottom so hard, contact someone I didn't need to and just make a fool of myself. I would put on a façade at work, and then come home and break down. Right before Christmas break, I knew the only way I was going to get through that holiday and my birthday the next week was to pull up my big girl panties and start to move on.

   As the process began, I was trying to figure out "me." And I guess it didn't hit me until I had Lisa tell me, "I miss my Baby Jess. Where is the girl that when I call to see what you are doing, you tell me that you are in the middle of making curtains because you were bored? Or, I would come over and I would find you in the middle of the dining room floor, with an empty bottle of wine, painting a canvas because you found a quote you loved? Where is the girl that throws on her boots, favorite black shirt and scarf and is ready for life?" Yeah...where the heck had I been? I knew if I didn't know myself, then I definitely couldn't start to move on. Because during those two months of "nothing," the guys I met was just hopeless. It was all emotions. It was a complete and total disaster. Each time And it wasn't necessarily the guys that was hopeless--I was. I gave up by February. I knew I needed to take time for me and not push anything.

   So what did I do? I started to date myself. I knew I needed to take better care of me. I hated myself. So I made a list of things that I didn't like about myself. But for every negative I had about me, I made myself write a positive. It's easy to point out your own flaws, but so dern hard to figure out what you like about yourself. If I didn't like me, then how could anyone else? I thought to myself, "Maybe that's why the relationship ended. I wasn't being me. He didn't even like me anymore." I beat up myself a little bit along the ways, and my friends were incredible cheerleaders. However, as I focused on my more positive things, I found myself feeling better.

    I started with my hair. I have great hair. And I don't say that in a bragging way. It's thick, dark, and has an easy natural curl that isn't a pain to deal with but can easily be straightened. I don't have to wash it every day but rather can go three days. So, I started putting more effort into fixing my hair. Betsy even came over one night to find me in rollers and bobby pins, playing "beauty shop." (Girl has got to do something to occupy her Friday night at home.) Then, I moved onto focusing on my curves. That has been my biggest obstacle. I have never fully embraced my body type because God blessed me with a big butt. So I started finding clothes that I felt the best in-- not necessarily the clothes that were in style. I treated myself to new shoes or a couple new pairs of shirts. Because when you dress frumpy and don't have a sense of confidence in what you are wearing-- your day is doomed. When I am having a "day," I put on my favorite outfit for that moment and just go with it. But sometimes, that outfit calls for yoga pants with a t-shirt and that is completely ok-- just not all the time. Next, I treated myself (and I still do this) with make up. I could easily spend $100 on Bare Minerals make up, but that isn't included in my monthly budget. I started to swap out my powders, foundations, and blushes for more simple, natural look (and much cheaper). I started to receive more compliments about how I was glowing (thought only pregnant women get that look). The only splurge I have on make up is with mascara and eye liner. That can make or kill a look. I will spend $13 on a tube of mascara if it does wonders for my eyelashes. And girls, I am telling you-- if you do that, you'll feel like you're going to be on the next commercial for Extremely Long Beautiful Full Eyelash {insert brand commercial name here}. Next, I started making myself cook dinner for me. I figured one day I will have to cook for a family so I need to learn some basics while I am living alone. I have perfected the best spaghetti with fresh veggies; I have a signature meatloaf; I have perfected BowTie pasta with peppers and mushrooms; I have learned several different ways to cook squash and zucchini; I can multi-task and have all burners going at the same time and not burn anything down. Total success. When I do cook, I turn on music and just go with it. I love a night of cooking for myself. I feel totally accomplished.

    Lately, I have challenged myself to tackle things that I would not have normally done. Yard work and landscaping became my obsession over the summer. Some friends of mine and I just took out half my yard and busted tail to make it look amazing. I now find myself looking forward to Saturdays and Sundays working around my yard by myself. It has become a time for me to think about some things, lose a few pounds, and really take out some aggression with those hedge trimmers. Today, I did something else that I almost did not do. But, with my inner competiveness, I made myself do it: I learned how to surf behind a boat today. With some amazing friends, I was able to get it done. Each time I face planted in the water, I told myself, "You can do it. Focus. You got this. Prove it." And with each attempt, I got a little bit better, until eventually I found myself up and riding and getting a little bit braver each time. Had I not pushed myself and just hid in the corner of the boat (like I was doing), I would have regretted it big time. But nope. Next time, I'm not going to use my hands.

   My point being: date yourself. Find out what you like. Do your own thing. Throughout all this, I have found my confidence. I speak my mind more when I am not happy (well, not all the time but I am getting better) and I stand up for what I think or when someone has made me mad. I find ways to entertain myself, like running up and down the hallway in my socks, to see how far I get without busting my tail. And when you've found that happy medium, dating won't seem like such a big deal. Who needs a guy to make you feel special when you can do so much more for yourself? After all, shouldn't you know YOU better than anyone else?