Doing Me While Dating from a Distance

     My most serious relationships have been long distance relationships. I just realized that. Does that mean something about me--I love best from a distance? Man. I hope not. Surely not. I don't know. Maybe I just like my space or I just prefer men who do not live in Spartanburg. We'll go with the later.

     When Newbie moved to Mississippi a few weeks a go, the term "long distance" took a whole new meaning in my book. Previously, long distance was only 60 miles away and turned into a weekend relationship with occasional dates during the week. Now, we are looking at over 500 miles away with our next date no where in sight. All I can say is thank goodness for Snapchat and text messages.

     I hit a pretty big low this past week dealing with Newbie being gone. The last few weekends I have been pretty busy. For some reason, it hit me really hard this week that he is not around. I think I realized this while I was in the shower. I bent down to wash my feet. As I got closer to my legs I realized that I could not remember the last time I had shaved my legs or washed my hair. I noticed I needed a pedicure pretty badly. As I was washing my face, I noticed I needed to pluck my eyebrows and do some major cleansing on my face. All those "procedures" took place when I saw Newbie on the reg. But, because I have not seen him in over three weeks and knowing no time soon, I wasn't "pampering" myself on a regular basis. I thought to myself, "If he were to walk in right now and see my current condition, he may just walk right back out the door, all the way to Mississippi." Bravo, Jess. I ran into some mutual friends of ours last Saturday and I was thinking in the back of my mind, "They are probably thinking I have let myself go and Newbie is crazy to be with me. Gross, Jess."

    So, I thought to myself today (as I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker with my third cup of coffee), "How can I turn these down-time moments into something productive? What am I going to do with myself? Sleeping a Saturday away isn't going to help you at all" (I slept till noon due to a large dosage of Nyquil from the night before because I had no need to get up early).

     I feel like I am going back to reinventing myself. Trying to find my happy balance. I called my mom Thursday night so upset I could barely get my words out. It was a pretty emotional draining week and I was at my breaking point. She just kept saying, "I know it hurts. I know it's hard. But put yourself first, Jess. Just let it all out." I did just that. I let it hurt, and I just cried. I'm not sure I could pinpoint what exactly hurt. Knowing I was going another weekend without seeing Newbie? Finding out that it very well may be another two-three months before we see one another again? Being with one of my best friends as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and starting a new part of a life I am longing for? Being out of wine? Or was it just exhaustion? I'm am going to go with all of the above.

    What is a girl to do? First things first, I shaved my legs. And my arms. And my toes. And any other part of my body that has hair (can I get an amen or was that too much information?). I then dragged my sorry butt to the gym and ran until I was exhausted. I treated myself to a caramel skinny iced latte and got my tan on. Something about the smell of my sweat, Starbucks and tanning oil instantly perked up my attitude. I would like to say that next I did something amazing, like fed the homeless or cleaned out and reorganized my closet. But all I did was open a bottle of Skinny Girl Sangria and curled up in bed to watch Untold Stories of the ER on TLC.

    Baby steps. One. Two. Three.

    So, what do I do next? I'm not quite sure. Continue a pattern of the gym, obviously. I know, I know--exercising increases happy endorphins. With the rest of the time I am trying to make a point to spend more time with friends and their kids. I have found myself calling my mother more. Working has been my sanity (and that's pretty sad where such a crazy job seems so normal). I have plans to visit friends in NC in the next few weekends just so I can leave town for a few days. But that will only go so far and last so long until I am bored with that. That just sounded really bad. I'm not saying seeing my friends is boring but you miss that longing that friends cannot fill.

     I guess the worst part is I start to think in the back of my mind, "Man. I hope this is worth it and it's going somewhere." I am trying not to compare my past long distance relationship to my current situation. I guess if anything I learned we both have to do a whole lot more communicating and be creative in letting one another know that we're going to be ok. Hand written letters, text messages, voicemails and late at night phone calls have been my saving grace.

    (And, for the record--can we not compare this to a couple where one of them may be in the army and they go months and months without seeing one another? That is a whole other level of relationship strength that I am not sure I could handle. Those couples--I admire.)

    I'll continue on the path of righteousness. Our prayer has been that this is God's will for us. His opportunity is there and my opportunity is here--apparently taking care of myself (a.k.a. grooming). It hasn't been quite a month since Newbie has left. I refuse to turn into that pathetic girl that just becomes so dang dependent on a male. So, I'm pulling my big ole panties up and going to deal with my current situation. I'll find my own fun again in this small town. I'm just going to do me--whatever that is.

Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok?

     The last three weeks have been a complete blur, and I have felt like I'm not quite sure what to expect next.

    In short: Newbie took a job as Assistant Coach to the Men's Golf at Ole Miss. He moved there this past week.

    When Newbie applied and told me about the job, I was hopeful for him but in the back of my mind I thought, "Ole Miss. I mean, Newbie is good from what I hear as a golfer (ha!) but really, God? Mississippi? Nah." Then the interviews started coming and each week brought the possibility of Ole Miss becoming a reality. It was time for the final interview with Newbie flying out to Ole Miss for a couple of days. Luckily, I had Lo's shower to keep me occupied and mind off the fact that he could be moving to Mississippi for good. A few short days later on a Tuesday, that could turned into would. When I received the phone call, I was sitting the library during lunch. As I hung up, I felt tears stream down my cheek. I immediately thought, "How pathetic am I? Get it together, Stro." And that's just what I did.

   We quickly found out that he would be leaving the next week, which really threw us into this whole, "Is this really happening? Where does this leave us?" I really struggled with the fact and balance of being the supportive girlfriend and being selfish to want to keep him here in Spartanburg. I never once uttered the word, "Stay" because I knew that would be wrong. Instead, knowing Newbie's desire to move up in the coaching college world, I repeatedly said the word, "Go." Here is his opportunity to do great things without having to be responsible for a family. Why wouldn't he go? I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever I needed to do to help him get to Mississippi.

    Meredith, knowing my true personality and what was going through my head, she reminded me that I needed to be positive when speaking with Newbie about this "exciting! new! adventure!" but if I were ever want to vent (or cry) to be sure to speak with her or any of our other friends and not just hole up like I usually do. For the most part-- I was ok throughout that week. I kept my feelings in check when I would talk to Newbie or when I would see him. The Saturday before he left, we were sitting in his apartment having our typical lay-on-the-couch-and-veg night. As we were talking about his upcoming move, I started to cry. Knowing Newbie hates to see girls cry, I tried to keep it under control and not completely lose it from keeping it in all week. Plus, when I cry-that rarely happens.Well, I tried to hide it at first but that was dumb of me to do. He starts questioning why I am crying because "it's not like it's the end for us." I told him, "Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok! I have been so good this last week. Just let me cry!" And he did because sometimes a girl just has to let it go.

    I think what has scared me the most about Newbie leaving is the thought of having another long distance relationship. My one-hour-away-long-distance relationship obviously did not work. If I couldn't make a relationship work that was one hour away, how can I possibly do 7 plus hours with a career that takes him traveling for several weekends in a row throughout the year?  Reading that makes me sound like I don't have hope or trust in mine and Newbie's relationship. I do but sometimes when you feel like you are going against the wind, you get tired of pushing. I had finally found a relationship that I was comfortable in and was progressing at a strong, quick rate. Feelings were developing at a much stronger rate that I ever thought could happen. What was once a huge wall had been knocked down slowly over time and I felt exposed. Our weekends together have gone from Friday Mexican date nights-Saturday veg nights-Sunday naps to having to plan out weekend visits a month in advance. It's like I'm that kid that just sits down in the middle of the store and refuses to move. I wasn't sure where I stood with Newbie prior to the move, but once I found out that we would be hours apart--emotions and feelings rose in me that I didn't now was there. My best friend, partner in crime, and buddy was leaving me.

    However, in order for this relationship to even have a chance in surviving, I know I will have to give it an honest effort. I have to trust Newbie. I have to trust myself. I have to trust God. As many times I have prayed for Him to close the door to this relationship, God has left it opened. I have to be willing to take a backseat for a little bit to Newbie's career. I am going to have to learn a whole new level of understanding. I didn't have a lot of that at the beginning of meeting and hanging out with Newbie, but now it's different because my feelings are different. Communication just got taken to a whole other level. I feel like Newbie and I have done more talking in the last three weeks than we have done in the last 3 months. Looking ahead to seeing him again and replaying our last few days together is what has gotten me through the last day or two.

   There have been moments where I have been more positive about this-knowing that this is just short term and isn't forever. Receiving his excited messages, pictures, and hearing his "When you get here, we're going to..." thoughts ease me. I am so incredibly proud of Newbie and honestly, jealous that he has this opportunity. An opportunity to leave Spartanburg and go somewhere to live and do what he loves in a town that we have never experienced before--starting something new! Newbie's opportunity called him to Mississippi. My opportunity is still here in Spartanburg. And our relationship lies somewhere between. I know that everything little thing is gonna be alright. But if one more person tells me, "If it's meant to be, it will be" then I am going to punch them in the throat.

   Here's to blogs about roadtrips to MS and giving this whole long distance relationship thing another try. I'm not a quitter. You fight for what you want, right?