Braving a Busted Blessing.

How many times a day do we sometimes look at our life or a situation and think, "Well, that didn't go as planned." Or sometimes, we may say our "give a darn" is busted. When that happens to me, I step back and try to figure out how I went from Point A to all the way to Point What the Heck. Sometimes I can pinpoint where I screwed up at; other times, I have no clue where it went wrong.


Until today. I realized I put myself in situations where my intention seems good at the time. I think I know what I'm doing, when reality, I have no clue what direction I am heading in. Then the situation that unfolds is greater than my intention. That's where my fault lies. I try to control or dominate the situation. We like to control where we go and what we do because then are no unexpected surprises or curveballs. If we were completely honest, how many times have we put ourselves in a path, whether it is with a job, a relationship, friendship or what not just for hopes that we are going to receive something great--a blessing. We strategically plan out the step by step (subconsciously) process thinking that if we do this, we will receive this great reward or blessing.


For example, if I plan two extra hours a day for my classroom instruction, then it is bound to be a great lesson and all my students are going to be extravagantly blessed by my hard work!  OR if I plant myself in this online dating world, then I am bound to meet the man that is going to just sweep me off my feet and make all my wishes and dreams come true because I created the perfect profile with the perfect picture! OR, it's ok if I hang out this one time with a friend. Nothing of harm can come from it. I am totally guarded. I'm just trying to be a blessing to that friend!


All that is great (intention) until...the lesson falls apart because time is against and you didn't realize that 24 kids would take all the energy out of you; you are blessed with the one-date curse and you go out on seven first dates and you start to think, "Ok. Maybe it is me."; or the trust of that friend is betrayed and your blessing becomes a burden of a friendship. Back to Point A, or whatever point you are coming from at the end of that moment.


The last week I have been thinking about where I have found myself lately. Working my butt off to make the best of a situation in my classroom. Supporting myself and making ends meet at the end of the month on a single teacher's salary. Balancing time between friends and trying to be the best friend that I can be to each person. And I thought to myself, where has this gotten me?  I used to have this guinea pig (one of my many class pets) and we would put in this rolling ball and let it roll around the classroom. Gwinnie would roll into the wall, then roll back and roll around for a little while and then run into a desk. She would do this for an hour-no true direction, just bumping and rolling around the classroom. And lately, I have felt like Gwinnie-- not sure I am making progress in any area of my life. Just rolling around. When I hit a wall, I back up and keep going until I hit another wall. Last Sunday, I had a breakdown at my mom's, saying that I pretty much couldn't do life anymore (we all have those moments, whether you like to admit it or not). What blessing have I been? What blessings have I received? If this is God's blessing for my life, then it is busted obviously. Is this what God really wants for me? Nearing thirty, all friends married with kids, a job that seems to be too much to handle at times, living in the ghetto with my older brother that leaves his dip cups around the house that Josie and Midge end up getting into (and I find myself asking is that poop or dip on the floor)? Am I putting myself in the right situations with great intentions or am I looking at my intentions more than what the situation can become? Am I not made for better than this? Do I not deserve better than this?


Then it occurred to me (and this isn't a first time I have thought this, just been a while) that God has protected me from situations when my intentions sucked so that I wouldn't miss out on other blessings. Other times, I have been on a crappy end of a situation so that I could see what better blessings lie ahead of me. My favorite saying? It can only get better from here. Am I going to continue to make selfish choices and purposefully plant myself in a situation or place, thinking that I will receive something great? Or, am I going to brave this busted blessing life and continue to move onward? I'm going to go with the latter. No more purposefully seeking out blessings for selfish gain. But rather, living a life of love-on my own- and know that if I continue to do what God has called me to do--teach, encourage, laugh, be ready to go, and love deeply and hard--then my busted blessings will turn into bountiful blessings.

I know I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure. Sometimes, though, our busted blessings bring brokenness that brings us back to where we belong. Back to finding my true self-worth in something greater that cannot be gained or found in this world. Unless it's a pumpkin spice latte-- those always bless my soul.

Just another reason to love fall.

Most people do Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday. Let's call today "Memory Monday!" Below is a picture of me and Val the night Lauren went into labor.Val is one of my last "babyless" friends that has been to my go to let's-get-Jean-Icees pool girl and spontaneous drinks after a grueling day of third grade teaching. Her husband, Tony, has been a close friend since high school that I love like a brother and I get treated like the little sister. Last October we were out one night and I had a prediction for Val and Tony: they would be pregnant in the spring of 2014. All my friends laughed and told me to shove it because they were growing tired of my baby predictions (and may I say for the record, I have been correct with each one). Tony and Val laughed and said, "No. Maybe but seriously doubt it." In the back of my mind I thought, "Just wait. I'm calling it now!"

 As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.

 

 

Fast forward to about a month or so ago. Val had texted and suggested we grab lunch one Saturday. I immediately called her up and said, "Cribbs. Poor Educators Saturday. Bottomless Mimosas. We're going." (3 Saturdays out of the month, you can find me at Cribbs in a corner booth between 11-2--never miss an opportunity for bottomless mimosas). When Val arrived, she had a bottle of Peach Moscato--a rarity to find. She claimed Tony found it at the store the other day and bought me a bottle. On the back I noticed a piece of paper taped to it. I asked, "Where you find this? At the half priced liquor discount store?" As I ripped off the paper, there was a picture of her ultrasound (side note: is it bad that a friend announced her pregnancy to me with wine?). I immediately burst into tears--and shocked I didn't drop the bottle. I quickly reassured Val they were tears of joy and not of sadness (refer back to my post when four friends had a baby within months of one another). She hugged me and we stood there in my kitchen and cried. I cried because here were two of my best friends-about to bless me with being a "hot aunt"...again--but at the same time, another change and added blessing to our little group of friends. Val explained to me that she had to tell me before going to Cribbs because she knew I would call her out on not having a mimosa (I'm not that big of a nagger-promise).

 

I continued to ask the usual questions-"How far along are you? How is Tony taking it? How are you feeling? Who else knows? When is your due date?" When she told me how far along she was, I realized that "the night" was in February some time. Val made the comment, "When I peed on that stick and it was positive- I thought of you, Jess." Uh. Awkward. Why? The night Lo was in labor, Val had gone to the doctor earlier that day and her options for getting pregnant. I didn't know this. The doctor had told her that her best bet for getting pregnant would either be that night or in the next few nights. Then, when I made the comment about her making a baby that night--she said I called it and was right. Of course I was! Good gracious I am amazingly good.

 

So, here's my congrats to Val and Tony! I am so excited for you two! I can't wait to see what a southern blonde hair and a Italian bambino baby looks like!

 

 A friend told me the other day, "You know Jess, every time I see one of your friends get married or is have a baby, I just think of you and how supportive you are...and...well, I kind of feel bad for you." Don't feel bad for me. When I told Newbie about Val and Tony, he asked if I was ok. Believe me, I am enjoying these moments. Seeing the light in their eyes and the glow that comes from my friends as they hold their child and kiss them goodnight--you can't take that way. Watching my friends love more intense and so much more immensely for such a tiny person gives me hope and I can't help but think to myself, "I cannot wait until my friends can see that in my eyes and soul..."

 

(in five years, at least.)



When the tradition is altered: finding joy in unwanted change

    Every year I have my students write about their family traditions. At the age of eight, many of them write about their Christmas traditions, sometimes Easter or my favorite-- our traditional Friday dance brain breaks. But this year, as we were talking about family traditions and customs, my mind and heart instantly went back to my own family's traditions. This year, though, I was reminded how so much of my family's traditions have changed just in the last year and how I was currently dreading Christmas day. 

    It's no secret that my family is going through some personal, trying times right now. And I guess I could have called it last year. Actually, I did call it last year at Christmas. After going through a rough patch in my personal life, it was my first Christmas in five years that I had spent the whole winter break in Spartanburg. As I looked around at my family that morning, afternoon, and evening I realized how much I had missed spending time with them during the holiday season. But, I also knew deep down that the next year (meaning this Christmas) would hold a lot of changes for myself and for my family. Last Christmas, things were not perfect. But it was almost like my family put aside family differences just for the a few days. I think deep down we just knew it would be one last holiday together for a while-as a whole family. Fast forward to this year, families are now separated, people have moved out of our life and some of us were left behind to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out some sort of normalcy for Christmas. It hasn't been easy. 

    Christmas Eve used to consist of the candlelight service and a breakfast dinner with my mom's side of the family. We always ended the night with the kids opening one gift, and listening to my aunt and uncle's recording of the True Meaning of Christmas story. Once my mom's house would consume 30-40 people on Christmas night of old friends and family. This year, that was no longer the case. Torn between two sides, my mother and I had decided to try to bridge the gap between our family: Christmas Eve lunch. As we sat there, waiting for lunch to be ready (because my mother can never have a meal prepared on time, bless her cotton little socks), my cousin turned me and said, "This is just weird." And it was. It was very weird. It felt off. I could tell by her face and others in the room that this was not a new tradition that we wanted to start. Trying to make the best of the situation, my brother and I tried to keep the conversation lighthearted, and he succeeded by picking on me and my feet. As Newbie and I left for the candlelight service, my heart hurt for my family. During the candlelight service, our pastor talked about how sometimes we think we have it hard. But our hard times are nothing compared to what others are suffering through during the Christmas season. What was once filled with happiness and love, a heart has an emptiness and longing for something or someone to fill the void. As we prayed, I felt tears stream down my face. What has happened to our family and our traditions that we once looked forward to each year? The very ones I love the deepest are hurting the most and I cannot do anything to help or make it better. I want to bring joy back into my family--a family that is hurting by an unwanted change.

   So, the last few days I started thinking about how do you find joy? How do you adjust to the change? I thought of the quote that I put on a canvas that is above my bed: "Today I will choose joy." It's a choice you have to make. It's something that only God can truly fulfill. When you choose God, you choose joy. And instead of focusing the perils of the unknown, we should grab hold of the joy that is in our present moment. It may not seem like much in the moment, but it's there. Psalm 16:11 says, "In Your presence is fullness of joy." When we come to Him completely broken, hurt and even angry at our current circumstances, we have to realize that our joy and hope has to remain in Him. We can choose to wallow in our circumstances that we hate and that we can refuse to accept. But in the end, we don't have a choice. If we don't accept our current situation, then in essence we are rejecting God's will for our life. Rejecting God's will for your life will cause just much more pain and confusion. Our family may not understand the reason for our current situation. I have not always understood why God caused certain things to happen in my personal life. But, I can say that as I continued to rely on Him and trust Him fully--His promises were so much greater than what I thought I wanted in life at that moment. Choosing joy, trying to find that positive light in any current situation has helped me see that I can and will move forward. I especially hope this for my family: that we can remember hope is the anchor for our soul. A hope that an indescribable joy is ahead for our family.

   What joy did I find in this unwanted tradition change? I saw that my family still very much loves one another.We are just still trying to figure out how to move ahead. As I looked across at my brother Christmas afternoon, laughing as we opened gifts, I realized that this was the first Christmas in years that we have opened gifts together. Sober now for almost a year, my brother and I spent Christmas eve and day together for the first time in over 10 years, easily. The joy that filled my soul at that moment--I will never forget it. Was that the only joy I found this Christmas? No, not necessarily. But that was enough joy for me. That in itself was a blessing from God. When we find joy in pain, we are finding just how good God truly can be. I do believe God has removed people from our life for a specific reason. However, God has placed back in my life a healthy relationship with my brother and given me a new hope and joy for the future. A hope that better Christmas traditions are ahead. A hope that God is in complete control of every situation. A hope that relationships will be restored and a family will be brought back together under a true, holy unity. A joy that God has given me just at the right moment when He knew I would need it the most. A joy that I would not take for granted. A joy that has filled my soul that I will continue to choose, even in those unwanted changes and altered traditions. Because you know what? Those unwanted changes often become blessings in disguises and I know that God is about to show and teach me something that I do not want to miss. After all, I sit in the front row of my life. 

"Talking about our problems is our addiction. 

Break the habit. Talk about your joys."

The week the Colombiana became a Nicaraguan

The last week of July I had an opportunity to travel to Nicaragua with my aunt and uncle. They take this trip twice a year- one in the winter, and one in the summer. With this being their 24th trip, I would say they are old pros. I have been wanting to go the last few summers but with my school schedule it has never really worked out. But this summer, it worked out perfectly. Loading up with my aunt and uncle and about 20 others from across the southeast, we headed out to Nicaragua to work with Chosen Children Ministries. I wasn't sure what to expect. This wasn't my first trip overseas or doing mission work in another country, so I thought I was prepared. However, God totally rocked my world as soon as we got there.

We spent our days ministering to people out in the barrios. A barrio is an area where groups of people live. Some are better than others--and I use the term "better" loosely. We would lead church services, hand out food and other supplies, and just simply love on the people there. They are so hungry for hope. So, a lot of our time is spent building relationships and sharing the love of Christ. The people are hard workers--men go to work, while the women stay at home to take care of the house and care for the kids. They work to provide for their family daily. Children run amuck around the barrios. I thought about how we constantly have to watch our children here running around the neighborhood. Here, children could be blocks away from their mother and it's ok. A lot of the times when I would ask the children where their parents were, they would either say their mother was at home or the parents were at work. The older siblings are left to care for the younger ones. The children are just absolutely precious. The love in their eyes is indescribable.

I am still processing the week. Hopefully, the pictures below will help me put my thoughts into words.

Our transportation for the week. Hello yellow bus!

Our Sunday Service at church

Bless this man. He did not have much. But I do know this-- his Bible was tattered and worn and he was just a praising and singing as loud as he could. Sweet soul.



 I want this baby. Period. Totally could have fit in my backpack.

Aunt Diane giving her testimony.

 I look down, and the man has brought his dog to church. I guess they need Jesus too.

Our feeding center at one of the churches. And no, that's not a Nicaraguan. That's a big Mexican named Edgar.

The line wrapped around the church.

Biggest pot of beans I have ever seen.

Rice, rice, and more rice.

Amanda scooping juice--making it last. Kind of like Jesus feeding the 5,000.

A flooded barrio.

 Being on a school bus when the roads have flooded is not the best feeling in the world.

Sadly, we were not able to make it back out to the barrio due to the downpour and flooded roads.



 

Mine and Amanda's first day of ministry out in the barrios. Let's do this!

Suited and geared up. Making a fashion statement one pair of rainboots at a time.

 

 

 

Nicaraguans love stickers. We usually had to show them how to peel them off and put on their clothes. This man wanted it on his head.

 

A "nice" barrio.

When you can't speak Spanish, break out the nail polish.

Next stop.

Who doesn't have a pig grazing in their backyard?

Michael with an excited little boy with a new paper airplane.

A feeding of picos and juice. I was mistaken for a Nicaraguan.

This kid cracked me up. Right before I could snap the picture, he had his shirt over his head with his gut hanging out.

 

Day 2 of ministry in another barrio. This is under their "church."

Ducks. But no water around...

These two little girls just made me and Amanda smile so much. Shirtless with bandanas and pink shorts.

Meet Roger. He left his job as a computer engineer making big money to work for Chosen Children. He works for Chosen Children as a guide and a translator. He called me "Mi Amor" all week. Roger swears he's going to be my husband one day. 

Joseph stretching out his back. Bless.

Another barrio and church.



This little one-- Amanda and I just had to pass her around.

This man right here- love him to Reese Pieces. So blessed to call him family.

I'm going to pause here for the night. My computer is having overload issues right now. So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to finish uploading the final pictures. And I hope that this gives you just a glimpse, an idea, a wonder into just a little bit of the Nicaraguan life.