Dating from a Distance-One Month Later

   This past weekend officially marked Newbie being gone for a month. Fortunately, his mother suggested a road trip to go visit him a few weeks ago. We decided on this past weekend so I was so excited to head back out to Oxford again. We had a great trip--I didn't make too big of a fool of myself in front of his mother during an eight hour drive there and then back, I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Newbie, see Oxford and Ole Miss, and get to know his precious mother a little bit better. Also, the stories she shared with me about Newbie and being a mother to three boys were priceless. A moment I will treasure in my heart. (Side note: before I left, my mother called to ask if I had "groomed" myself. And I did. It took me an hour to get it all done, but I was smooth and polished upon arrival in Oxford!)

    Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?

    Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.

    I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.

    Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.

   And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?

   After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty  much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).

1.  I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.

2.  Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.

3.  Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!

    So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.

   But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2.  Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3.  Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4.  When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5.  Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.

   Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.

Doing Me While Dating from a Distance

     My most serious relationships have been long distance relationships. I just realized that. Does that mean something about me--I love best from a distance? Man. I hope not. Surely not. I don't know. Maybe I just like my space or I just prefer men who do not live in Spartanburg. We'll go with the later.

     When Newbie moved to Mississippi a few weeks a go, the term "long distance" took a whole new meaning in my book. Previously, long distance was only 60 miles away and turned into a weekend relationship with occasional dates during the week. Now, we are looking at over 500 miles away with our next date no where in sight. All I can say is thank goodness for Snapchat and text messages.

     I hit a pretty big low this past week dealing with Newbie being gone. The last few weekends I have been pretty busy. For some reason, it hit me really hard this week that he is not around. I think I realized this while I was in the shower. I bent down to wash my feet. As I got closer to my legs I realized that I could not remember the last time I had shaved my legs or washed my hair. I noticed I needed a pedicure pretty badly. As I was washing my face, I noticed I needed to pluck my eyebrows and do some major cleansing on my face. All those "procedures" took place when I saw Newbie on the reg. But, because I have not seen him in over three weeks and knowing no time soon, I wasn't "pampering" myself on a regular basis. I thought to myself, "If he were to walk in right now and see my current condition, he may just walk right back out the door, all the way to Mississippi." Bravo, Jess. I ran into some mutual friends of ours last Saturday and I was thinking in the back of my mind, "They are probably thinking I have let myself go and Newbie is crazy to be with me. Gross, Jess."

    So, I thought to myself today (as I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker with my third cup of coffee), "How can I turn these down-time moments into something productive? What am I going to do with myself? Sleeping a Saturday away isn't going to help you at all" (I slept till noon due to a large dosage of Nyquil from the night before because I had no need to get up early).

     I feel like I am going back to reinventing myself. Trying to find my happy balance. I called my mom Thursday night so upset I could barely get my words out. It was a pretty emotional draining week and I was at my breaking point. She just kept saying, "I know it hurts. I know it's hard. But put yourself first, Jess. Just let it all out." I did just that. I let it hurt, and I just cried. I'm not sure I could pinpoint what exactly hurt. Knowing I was going another weekend without seeing Newbie? Finding out that it very well may be another two-three months before we see one another again? Being with one of my best friends as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and starting a new part of a life I am longing for? Being out of wine? Or was it just exhaustion? I'm am going to go with all of the above.

    What is a girl to do? First things first, I shaved my legs. And my arms. And my toes. And any other part of my body that has hair (can I get an amen or was that too much information?). I then dragged my sorry butt to the gym and ran until I was exhausted. I treated myself to a caramel skinny iced latte and got my tan on. Something about the smell of my sweat, Starbucks and tanning oil instantly perked up my attitude. I would like to say that next I did something amazing, like fed the homeless or cleaned out and reorganized my closet. But all I did was open a bottle of Skinny Girl Sangria and curled up in bed to watch Untold Stories of the ER on TLC.

    Baby steps. One. Two. Three.

    So, what do I do next? I'm not quite sure. Continue a pattern of the gym, obviously. I know, I know--exercising increases happy endorphins. With the rest of the time I am trying to make a point to spend more time with friends and their kids. I have found myself calling my mother more. Working has been my sanity (and that's pretty sad where such a crazy job seems so normal). I have plans to visit friends in NC in the next few weekends just so I can leave town for a few days. But that will only go so far and last so long until I am bored with that. That just sounded really bad. I'm not saying seeing my friends is boring but you miss that longing that friends cannot fill.

     I guess the worst part is I start to think in the back of my mind, "Man. I hope this is worth it and it's going somewhere." I am trying not to compare my past long distance relationship to my current situation. I guess if anything I learned we both have to do a whole lot more communicating and be creative in letting one another know that we're going to be ok. Hand written letters, text messages, voicemails and late at night phone calls have been my saving grace.

    (And, for the record--can we not compare this to a couple where one of them may be in the army and they go months and months without seeing one another? That is a whole other level of relationship strength that I am not sure I could handle. Those couples--I admire.)

    I'll continue on the path of righteousness. Our prayer has been that this is God's will for us. His opportunity is there and my opportunity is here--apparently taking care of myself (a.k.a. grooming). It hasn't been quite a month since Newbie has left. I refuse to turn into that pathetic girl that just becomes so dang dependent on a male. So, I'm pulling my big ole panties up and going to deal with my current situation. I'll find my own fun again in this small town. I'm just going to do me--whatever that is.

Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok?

     The last three weeks have been a complete blur, and I have felt like I'm not quite sure what to expect next.

    In short: Newbie took a job as Assistant Coach to the Men's Golf at Ole Miss. He moved there this past week.

    When Newbie applied and told me about the job, I was hopeful for him but in the back of my mind I thought, "Ole Miss. I mean, Newbie is good from what I hear as a golfer (ha!) but really, God? Mississippi? Nah." Then the interviews started coming and each week brought the possibility of Ole Miss becoming a reality. It was time for the final interview with Newbie flying out to Ole Miss for a couple of days. Luckily, I had Lo's shower to keep me occupied and mind off the fact that he could be moving to Mississippi for good. A few short days later on a Tuesday, that could turned into would. When I received the phone call, I was sitting the library during lunch. As I hung up, I felt tears stream down my cheek. I immediately thought, "How pathetic am I? Get it together, Stro." And that's just what I did.

   We quickly found out that he would be leaving the next week, which really threw us into this whole, "Is this really happening? Where does this leave us?" I really struggled with the fact and balance of being the supportive girlfriend and being selfish to want to keep him here in Spartanburg. I never once uttered the word, "Stay" because I knew that would be wrong. Instead, knowing Newbie's desire to move up in the coaching college world, I repeatedly said the word, "Go." Here is his opportunity to do great things without having to be responsible for a family. Why wouldn't he go? I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever I needed to do to help him get to Mississippi.

    Meredith, knowing my true personality and what was going through my head, she reminded me that I needed to be positive when speaking with Newbie about this "exciting! new! adventure!" but if I were ever want to vent (or cry) to be sure to speak with her or any of our other friends and not just hole up like I usually do. For the most part-- I was ok throughout that week. I kept my feelings in check when I would talk to Newbie or when I would see him. The Saturday before he left, we were sitting in his apartment having our typical lay-on-the-couch-and-veg night. As we were talking about his upcoming move, I started to cry. Knowing Newbie hates to see girls cry, I tried to keep it under control and not completely lose it from keeping it in all week. Plus, when I cry-that rarely happens.Well, I tried to hide it at first but that was dumb of me to do. He starts questioning why I am crying because "it's not like it's the end for us." I told him, "Just let me be selfish for five minutes, ok! I have been so good this last week. Just let me cry!" And he did because sometimes a girl just has to let it go.

    I think what has scared me the most about Newbie leaving is the thought of having another long distance relationship. My one-hour-away-long-distance relationship obviously did not work. If I couldn't make a relationship work that was one hour away, how can I possibly do 7 plus hours with a career that takes him traveling for several weekends in a row throughout the year?  Reading that makes me sound like I don't have hope or trust in mine and Newbie's relationship. I do but sometimes when you feel like you are going against the wind, you get tired of pushing. I had finally found a relationship that I was comfortable in and was progressing at a strong, quick rate. Feelings were developing at a much stronger rate that I ever thought could happen. What was once a huge wall had been knocked down slowly over time and I felt exposed. Our weekends together have gone from Friday Mexican date nights-Saturday veg nights-Sunday naps to having to plan out weekend visits a month in advance. It's like I'm that kid that just sits down in the middle of the store and refuses to move. I wasn't sure where I stood with Newbie prior to the move, but once I found out that we would be hours apart--emotions and feelings rose in me that I didn't now was there. My best friend, partner in crime, and buddy was leaving me.

    However, in order for this relationship to even have a chance in surviving, I know I will have to give it an honest effort. I have to trust Newbie. I have to trust myself. I have to trust God. As many times I have prayed for Him to close the door to this relationship, God has left it opened. I have to be willing to take a backseat for a little bit to Newbie's career. I am going to have to learn a whole new level of understanding. I didn't have a lot of that at the beginning of meeting and hanging out with Newbie, but now it's different because my feelings are different. Communication just got taken to a whole other level. I feel like Newbie and I have done more talking in the last three weeks than we have done in the last 3 months. Looking ahead to seeing him again and replaying our last few days together is what has gotten me through the last day or two.

   There have been moments where I have been more positive about this-knowing that this is just short term and isn't forever. Receiving his excited messages, pictures, and hearing his "When you get here, we're going to..." thoughts ease me. I am so incredibly proud of Newbie and honestly, jealous that he has this opportunity. An opportunity to leave Spartanburg and go somewhere to live and do what he loves in a town that we have never experienced before--starting something new! Newbie's opportunity called him to Mississippi. My opportunity is still here in Spartanburg. And our relationship lies somewhere between. I know that everything little thing is gonna be alright. But if one more person tells me, "If it's meant to be, it will be" then I am going to punch them in the throat.

   Here's to blogs about roadtrips to MS and giving this whole long distance relationship thing another try. I'm not a quitter. You fight for what you want, right?

Sometimes a girl just needs to be rescued.

    Today was not my day. It was one of "those days." And I guess looking back it wasn't a horrible day. It could have been much worse. However, it just started off wrong.

   Looking forward to my 2 hour delay, I was excited to be able to sleep in. Yesterday I had been fighting a fever and sore throat, so I pretty much slept all yesterday afternoon and night. I wasn't in the best mood (still really not). I woke up at 7:30, praying school had just been canceled. But nope. So I dragged my sorry tail out of bed and got dressed. My brother, being the kind hearted soul that he is, went to heat up my car.

   Dead battery. Why flippin' me. Running late, I had no choice but for my brother to take me to school like I was middle school again--dropping me off and picking me up. Brother to the rescue!

   When I got home, my car still would not start. Luckily, another friend of mine was just a street over and he was able to start my car with some jumper cables. Billy to the rescue! Fingers crossed that it will start again in the morning.

   But, at that point of the day, I just wanted to cry. I was whiny. I had on my sad face and sulked to washing dishes (a strange activity I like to do when I am thinking or upset about something). I am thankful that my brother and Billy were there to help. It just made me realize that I cannot do everything on my own. Sometimes you just have to accept the defeat and be rescued.

   Any woman can say that she doesn't need a man to help her get stuff done. Been there, done that, said that. There are times though it is just nice to set back and let a man do something for you...and there are some things that they are better at, like cars. Yeah. I said it. They are better at some things. Key word: some things. Anyways, I can act like I do not need a man to help with taking down my Christmas tree or laying pine needles in the front and back yard. I can pretend like I don't need a man to cut my grass or lift a heavy box for me. But, would it be nice if a man did it for me? Of course. Maybe I am not vocal enough to tell a guy each time that I would like for him to do something for me. I guess that goes back to pride. And sometimes I just like that element of surprise of a man doing something kind or out of the ordinary for me to show that he was thinking of me and trying to help me. Unfortunately, sometimes a guy doesn't get those hints or ideas on their own. That's a whole other blog post. The point is, when the action from a guy is an unexpected surprise or we asked that you do it for us--we notice it. We take note. We appreciate it. Or at least, I know I do. 

   Am I a damsel in distress every day? Definitely not. But I do have my days and moments when I liked to spoiled or just have the burden lifted off my shoulders for a little bit. Especially when it comes to cars. I freak out when my car isn't working like it should. It's nice to crawl up in the arms of a man that cares for you, let you cry a tear or two and comfort you. Ok. That sounded pathetic. But I'm still having my moment ok? I'll just eat a Reese Tree, drink a cold glass of milk, and crawl into bed with another episode of One Tree Hill on Netflix. Let me be.

"Well, Jessica! You could be homeless right now!" -My mother, the encourager

   Update: Woke up Wednesday morning to no water due to frozen water pipes. Someone give me another Reese tree. 

She believed she could. So she did.

    I am a woman of determination. Like my mother has said, "You have become a woman that when someone tells you that you can't do something or you get tired of waiting--you will do whatever it takes to get it done." And that was my attitude for this past year.

    2013 was a huge turning point for me. 2012 was not my year. It was a year of lows, personally. So, I was determined to make 2013 my year. With my friends and family rallying behind me, picking up pieces of the chaotic hot mess that I was--I knew  I needed to set goals. Every time there is a special occasion, my friends and I have a special moment of "cheers and toasting!" On my birthday, with three of my best friends by my side and their husbands, we celebrated the night with wine and a ridiculous game of Partini (if you've never heard of it- it's a stupid game that we somehow turned it into 3 hours of entertainment). We toasted to 2013 being my year.  The few days afterwards, I was browsing Pinterest and found this quote/verse.

 

   It's amazing how God can use Pinterest to speak to you! Has anyone else ever had that happened to them? Anyways, I kept rereading this scripture over and over. As I prayed in my quiet time that day, I had a peace that came over me. A peace that whispered in my ear, "Wait. God has great promises for you this year." So, that's exactly what I did. Philippians 3:13: I am not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. And that's exactly what I did. I looked ahead to 2013 and fully embraced what God had promised to me for this year. I have to say, I am sad to see 2013 come to an end. It was a year of new beginnings, new adventures, and a new attitude. So what happened over the past year? Well, let's just take a trip down memory lane and see what exactly I learned from this year.

 

1. Sometimes you have to just let people leave your life. If they walk out on you, then your destiny is not tied to them. It's hard to see someone you love choose a lifestyle that you will never understand. But, you have just have to trust and let go.
2. My brother is more entertaining sober. I have laughed more in the past year with him than I have in years. What was once a broken relationship, God has restored. But let's not dwell on the fact that I'm almost 30 and he's almost 40 and we're roommates.
3. Be bold and speak up. This has come more truer this past year than ever. I typically keep thoughts and feelings internalized. However, past situations and relationships has forced me to stand my ground and put myself first. If anything, sometimes I now need to be less vocal (filter!) and keep my mouth closed--especially at work.
4. I have come to love teaching--again. I lost my passion last school year, and I hated feeling that way. Bogged down by the political aspects of education and not being extremely happy in my work environment--I wanted a change. Thankfully, God blessed me with a great coworker across the hall, and a fabulous start to a new school year. I still have my moments, but it's nothing that a little Mexican can't fix and an afternoon in the Rocking Thinking Chair.
5. Bettering the butt! That has been my motto. When I was at my low at the end of 2012, my dear friend Robin forced me to start running to keep my mind moving and focus on the pain of the hills at Dorman. Then, came Barre class. Or as my brother calls it--getting up on the pole class. Robin started going to classes at Studio B and invited me to go. I was kind of skeptical. Then sweet Nancy bought my first month free. So, I had to go. After my first class, I was hooked. Studio B has become another place where I channel my stress and frustrations--all while bettering my butt! It has become a win-win situation. Thanks to Brooke for being the encourager; Allison for yelling at me to squat and squeeze another inch lower when she's secretly mad at herself for her "bad eating"; and to Sweet Mary for telling me that I deserve an hour to smile, work at my personal best all while learning some sweet tribal dance moves.
6. Always seize an opportunity to see old friends. I honestly have never realized how much I missed my old friends until I started making random trips across the state to see them. If anything, I need to see the more--they do my soul good. Plus, it's always a good excuse to get away from the madness every now and then.
7. Be you. When I started dating, I had this preconceived notion of a certain girl I should be. And honestly, I forgot who I was in the whole process. Each guy I dated, I tried to make myself be the girl that he would like. Epic failure. Wait for the person who you can be your complete self around. It is worth it.
8. God brings people into your life at the perfect moment. I guess it goes back to my verse: waiting patiently for God's promises.
9. When you pray for God to close a door or leave it open--don't be shocked when he actually slams it shut. But be on guard for what may come next. Be open to possibilities and give people a chance to prove you wrong.
10. Guard your heart. Be careful with who you share with and who you become "intimate" with on a daily basis. And I don't mean sexually. Your deepest thoughts and words when spoken to someone cannot be taken back.
11. When your friends offer advice, they are only looking out for your best interest. Be open to listen but in the end-- you decide what makes you happy.
12. Talk it out. Communicate. It hurts to know that a broken relationship could have been restored or saved if we did just a little bit more communicating and tried to understand one another. Sometimes it's a little too late but you never know what the future could bring.
13. Forgiveness. It can change your attitude and your lifestyle. What is so beautiful about forgiveness is that it happens when you least expect it. I had to forgive some pretty important people and move past some situations in my life this year. And it's incredible how God prepared my heart for these opportunities of forgiveness. If He hadn't prepared my heart, I would still be harboring bitterness, hate, and loneliness.
14. Laugh. God has put me in some pretty crazy situations that all you can do is laugh. I have learned to laugh at my self, my mistakes, and my triumphs.
15. Don't compare yourself to others. Focus on your positives and move from there. When you focus on your weakness, it can rob you of joy. Only focus on your weakness when you are determined to change that weakness for the best.
16.  Be ready for opportunities that come a-knocking! But also remember that every opportunity that is presented to you is not one that you should take. Pray for discernment. Ask for wisdom to be spoken to you. Then, be bold and act.
17. Fight for what you want.
18. While your friends are moving ahead in their own personal life, be happy for them. Know that while "nothing happening" everyday may seem to be your motto (cKb!) of life, your friends need you just as much as you need them. Be glad that they want to share their happiest moments with you.

    I tried to come up with two more to make it to twenty, and my mind is done for the night. It's a lot to reflect on the past year. But I think coming up with 18 lessons learned is pretty good. Even if you learned one lesson from 2013, that was worth the whole year. What's to come in 2014? New goals. New determination. New opportunities that I am super excited about.

 

   2013. I waited patiently. I endured trials. I endured promises. I can honestly say that I received God's promises this year. I just wonder, what are God's promises for next year? I can hardly wait. 

When the tradition is altered: finding joy in unwanted change

    Every year I have my students write about their family traditions. At the age of eight, many of them write about their Christmas traditions, sometimes Easter or my favorite-- our traditional Friday dance brain breaks. But this year, as we were talking about family traditions and customs, my mind and heart instantly went back to my own family's traditions. This year, though, I was reminded how so much of my family's traditions have changed just in the last year and how I was currently dreading Christmas day. 

    It's no secret that my family is going through some personal, trying times right now. And I guess I could have called it last year. Actually, I did call it last year at Christmas. After going through a rough patch in my personal life, it was my first Christmas in five years that I had spent the whole winter break in Spartanburg. As I looked around at my family that morning, afternoon, and evening I realized how much I had missed spending time with them during the holiday season. But, I also knew deep down that the next year (meaning this Christmas) would hold a lot of changes for myself and for my family. Last Christmas, things were not perfect. But it was almost like my family put aside family differences just for the a few days. I think deep down we just knew it would be one last holiday together for a while-as a whole family. Fast forward to this year, families are now separated, people have moved out of our life and some of us were left behind to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out some sort of normalcy for Christmas. It hasn't been easy. 

    Christmas Eve used to consist of the candlelight service and a breakfast dinner with my mom's side of the family. We always ended the night with the kids opening one gift, and listening to my aunt and uncle's recording of the True Meaning of Christmas story. Once my mom's house would consume 30-40 people on Christmas night of old friends and family. This year, that was no longer the case. Torn between two sides, my mother and I had decided to try to bridge the gap between our family: Christmas Eve lunch. As we sat there, waiting for lunch to be ready (because my mother can never have a meal prepared on time, bless her cotton little socks), my cousin turned me and said, "This is just weird." And it was. It was very weird. It felt off. I could tell by her face and others in the room that this was not a new tradition that we wanted to start. Trying to make the best of the situation, my brother and I tried to keep the conversation lighthearted, and he succeeded by picking on me and my feet. As Newbie and I left for the candlelight service, my heart hurt for my family. During the candlelight service, our pastor talked about how sometimes we think we have it hard. But our hard times are nothing compared to what others are suffering through during the Christmas season. What was once filled with happiness and love, a heart has an emptiness and longing for something or someone to fill the void. As we prayed, I felt tears stream down my face. What has happened to our family and our traditions that we once looked forward to each year? The very ones I love the deepest are hurting the most and I cannot do anything to help or make it better. I want to bring joy back into my family--a family that is hurting by an unwanted change.

   So, the last few days I started thinking about how do you find joy? How do you adjust to the change? I thought of the quote that I put on a canvas that is above my bed: "Today I will choose joy." It's a choice you have to make. It's something that only God can truly fulfill. When you choose God, you choose joy. And instead of focusing the perils of the unknown, we should grab hold of the joy that is in our present moment. It may not seem like much in the moment, but it's there. Psalm 16:11 says, "In Your presence is fullness of joy." When we come to Him completely broken, hurt and even angry at our current circumstances, we have to realize that our joy and hope has to remain in Him. We can choose to wallow in our circumstances that we hate and that we can refuse to accept. But in the end, we don't have a choice. If we don't accept our current situation, then in essence we are rejecting God's will for our life. Rejecting God's will for your life will cause just much more pain and confusion. Our family may not understand the reason for our current situation. I have not always understood why God caused certain things to happen in my personal life. But, I can say that as I continued to rely on Him and trust Him fully--His promises were so much greater than what I thought I wanted in life at that moment. Choosing joy, trying to find that positive light in any current situation has helped me see that I can and will move forward. I especially hope this for my family: that we can remember hope is the anchor for our soul. A hope that an indescribable joy is ahead for our family.

   What joy did I find in this unwanted tradition change? I saw that my family still very much loves one another.We are just still trying to figure out how to move ahead. As I looked across at my brother Christmas afternoon, laughing as we opened gifts, I realized that this was the first Christmas in years that we have opened gifts together. Sober now for almost a year, my brother and I spent Christmas eve and day together for the first time in over 10 years, easily. The joy that filled my soul at that moment--I will never forget it. Was that the only joy I found this Christmas? No, not necessarily. But that was enough joy for me. That in itself was a blessing from God. When we find joy in pain, we are finding just how good God truly can be. I do believe God has removed people from our life for a specific reason. However, God has placed back in my life a healthy relationship with my brother and given me a new hope and joy for the future. A hope that better Christmas traditions are ahead. A hope that God is in complete control of every situation. A hope that relationships will be restored and a family will be brought back together under a true, holy unity. A joy that God has given me just at the right moment when He knew I would need it the most. A joy that I would not take for granted. A joy that has filled my soul that I will continue to choose, even in those unwanted changes and altered traditions. Because you know what? Those unwanted changes often become blessings in disguises and I know that God is about to show and teach me something that I do not want to miss. After all, I sit in the front row of my life. 

"Talking about our problems is our addiction. 

Break the habit. Talk about your joys."

The Dating World: Single Moms vs. Single Nothing

    I've always thought dating as a late twenty-something-year-old is hard, or rather challenging. Meeting someone who you can connect and be yourself with and have the same drive or goals can be as difficult as me running three miles straight.

   But as a single mother...  that's a whole other level of difficulty.

   I'm not pregnant, by the way.

   However, I was thinking about two good friends of mine who are single mothers actively in the dating world. And I use the term "actively" carefully...and with caution.

   Candice has been a single mother since 1998. Beth has been a single mother of two since 2010.  Since then, they have for sure had their shares of ups and downs dating. The last 7 years, we have shared our stories of dating and while they are completely different, they are so similar, too.

   Candice prefers a man with no kids. Beth prefers a man with kids. I prefer a man with no kids and no crazy ex-wife/girlfriend (too late for the later).

   Candice is a cougar at heart. Beth is a sugar baby. I just want someone on my level-get on it!

   First thoughts on meeting a single man:

• Candice: "Does he want my pants? Is he all about the booty?"
• Beth: "Is he a good role model?"
• Me: "Is there a ring? Does he have pretty eyes? If so, I'll have his baby."

   On accepting a first date:

• Candice: "Is he going to try to get in my pants?"
• Beth: "Can I have a conversation with this man?"
• Me: "Is he a player?"

   Go to outfit on a first date:

• Candice: "Jeans and black shirt because Castro told me that's the standard best! With boots."
• Beth: "Jeans and a nice shirt."
• Me: "No underwear." (Kidding, Mom)

   Best time to date:

• Candice: "Spring. That's when all the juices flow. Spring fever!"
• Beth: "Summer."
• Me: "Cinco de Mayo!"

   Go to date:

• Candice: "I don't prefer lunch. The last one lunch date I had, the guy had a black tooth."
• Beth: "Lunch."
• Me: "One drink. Then take me home. To my house that is, and you leave."

   When do you say the L word?

• Candice: "Depends on who it is. Maybe 6 months?"
• Beth: "I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE."
• Me: "Just let me be lonely tonight."

   When to meet your friends:

• Candice: "On the first date! If you don't like them, you got to go!!" 
• Beth: "I don't know. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time because I don't like or trust people."
• Me: "After the 20th date."

   When to meet your child(ren):

• Candice: "Typically-three months at least."
• Beth: "4-6 months to hang out and spend time."
• Me: "In the delivery room. Hopefully."

    Biggest turn on:

• Candice: "Job. Support yourself."
• Beth: "Job. Have your crap together."
• Me: "Laughter and being a best friend."

   Biggest turn off:

• Candice: "How they respond to me. No super country. Convo has got to flow."
• Beth: "Nasty teeth!"
• Me: "Liars! You sit on a throne of lies!"

   Biggest challenge in the dating world as single mom:

• Candice: "Meeting someone decent."
• Beth: "I'm too picky. I don't have feelings." (True. She's like a man.)

The biggest challenge that seems to be between these single moms versus the single nothing is time. The spontaneity of going out at the last minute is not as available to them like it can be for me. But, that goes for every mother I know. The spontaneity is gone! (P.S. Did you know that word has the "u" sound in it when you pronounce it?) Single mothers are no longer able to put them self first but their children come first, or at least with these women. Their dating life and their personal world comes second. As for me, if I don't put myself first I get ridiculed and lectured from Candice and Beth. But one thing that I know that has come from these women is the fact that they are indeed strong and independent. They know for sure what they want and don't want or need. As for me, I am still figuring that part out--because I can. They have been through experiences, pain, and personal growth that I may never understand or comprehend in my lifetime, and they hope I never do. Our dating world circumstances can be completely different, but the end goal is to find someone that can accept our personal best and most importantly our personal worst. Kids or no kids. In the end, we are just three women trying to survive. Same goal with slightly different priorities and routes to find our happy ending. It may include a man with four kids or may include me just being...me. Besides, I think we add a little bit of flavor to the world around us.

"You will all find love eventually."
"No I won't. I will cut his throat."