It's no secret that my family is going through some personal, trying times right now. And I guess I could have called it last year. Actually, I did call it last year at Christmas. After going through a rough patch in my personal life, it was my first Christmas in five years that I had spent the whole winter break in Spartanburg. As I looked around at my family that morning, afternoon, and evening I realized how much I had missed spending time with them during the holiday season. But, I also knew deep down that the next year (meaning this Christmas) would hold a lot of changes for myself and for my family. Last Christmas, things were not perfect. But it was almost like my family put aside family differences just for the a few days. I think deep down we just knew it would be one last holiday together for a while-as a whole family. Fast forward to this year, families are now separated, people have moved out of our life and some of us were left behind to pick up the pieces and trying to figure out some sort of normalcy for Christmas. It hasn't been easy.
Christmas Eve used to consist of the candlelight service and a breakfast dinner with my mom's side of the family. We always ended the night with the kids opening one gift, and listening to my aunt and uncle's recording of the True Meaning of Christmas story. Once my mom's house would consume 30-40 people on Christmas night of old friends and family. This year, that was no longer the case. Torn between two sides, my mother and I had decided to try to bridge the gap between our family: Christmas Eve lunch. As we sat there, waiting for lunch to be ready (because my mother can never have a meal prepared on time, bless her cotton little socks), my cousin turned me and said, "This is just weird." And it was. It was very weird. It felt off. I could tell by her face and others in the room that this was not a new tradition that we wanted to start. Trying to make the best of the situation, my brother and I tried to keep the conversation lighthearted, and he succeeded by picking on me and my feet. As Newbie and I left for the candlelight service, my heart hurt for my family. During the candlelight service, our pastor talked about how sometimes we think we have it hard. But our hard times are nothing compared to what others are suffering through during the Christmas season. What was once filled with happiness and love, a heart has an emptiness and longing for something or someone to fill the void. As we prayed, I felt tears stream down my face. What has happened to our family and our traditions that we once looked forward to each year? The very ones I love the deepest are hurting the most and I cannot do anything to help or make it better. I want to bring joy back into my family--a family that is hurting by an unwanted change.
So, the last few days I started thinking about how do you find joy? How do you adjust to the change? I thought of the quote that I put on a canvas that is above my bed: "Today I will choose joy." It's a choice you have to make. It's something that only God can truly fulfill. When you choose God, you choose joy. And instead of focusing the perils of the unknown, we should grab hold of the joy that is in our present moment. It may not seem like much in the moment, but it's there. Psalm 16:11 says, "In Your presence is fullness of joy." When we come to Him completely broken, hurt and even angry at our current circumstances, we have to realize that our joy and hope has to remain in Him. We can choose to wallow in our circumstances that we hate and that we can refuse to accept. But in the end, we don't have a choice. If we don't accept our current situation, then in essence we are rejecting God's will for our life. Rejecting God's will for your life will cause just much more pain and confusion. Our family may not understand the reason for our current situation. I have not always understood why God caused certain things to happen in my personal life. But, I can say that as I continued to rely on Him and trust Him fully--His promises were so much greater than what I thought I wanted in life at that moment. Choosing joy, trying to find that positive light in any current situation has helped me see that I can and will move forward. I especially hope this for my family: that we can remember hope is the anchor for our soul. A hope that an indescribable joy is ahead for our family.
What joy did I find in this unwanted tradition change? I saw that my family still very much loves one another.We are just still trying to figure out how to move ahead. As I looked across at my brother Christmas afternoon, laughing as we opened gifts, I realized that this was the first Christmas in years that we have opened gifts together. Sober now for almost a year, my brother and I spent Christmas eve and day together for the first time in over 10 years, easily. The joy that filled my soul at that moment--I will never forget it. Was that the only joy I found this Christmas? No, not necessarily. But that was enough joy for me. That in itself was a blessing from God. When we find joy in pain, we are finding just how good God truly can be. I do believe God has removed people from our life for a specific reason. However, God has placed back in my life a healthy relationship with my brother and given me a new hope and joy for the future. A hope that better Christmas traditions are ahead. A hope that God is in complete control of every situation. A hope that relationships will be restored and a family will be brought back together under a true, holy unity. A joy that God has given me just at the right moment when He knew I would need it the most. A joy that I would not take for granted. A joy that has filled my soul that I will continue to choose, even in those unwanted changes and altered traditions. Because you know what? Those unwanted changes often become blessings in disguises and I know that God is about to show and teach me something that I do not want to miss. After all, I sit in the front row of my life.
"Talking about our problems is our addiction.
Break the habit. Talk about your joys."
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