Doing Me While Dating from a Distance

     My most serious relationships have been long distance relationships. I just realized that. Does that mean something about me--I love best from a distance? Man. I hope not. Surely not. I don't know. Maybe I just like my space or I just prefer men who do not live in Spartanburg. We'll go with the later.

     When Newbie moved to Mississippi a few weeks a go, the term "long distance" took a whole new meaning in my book. Previously, long distance was only 60 miles away and turned into a weekend relationship with occasional dates during the week. Now, we are looking at over 500 miles away with our next date no where in sight. All I can say is thank goodness for Snapchat and text messages.

     I hit a pretty big low this past week dealing with Newbie being gone. The last few weekends I have been pretty busy. For some reason, it hit me really hard this week that he is not around. I think I realized this while I was in the shower. I bent down to wash my feet. As I got closer to my legs I realized that I could not remember the last time I had shaved my legs or washed my hair. I noticed I needed a pedicure pretty badly. As I was washing my face, I noticed I needed to pluck my eyebrows and do some major cleansing on my face. All those "procedures" took place when I saw Newbie on the reg. But, because I have not seen him in over three weeks and knowing no time soon, I wasn't "pampering" myself on a regular basis. I thought to myself, "If he were to walk in right now and see my current condition, he may just walk right back out the door, all the way to Mississippi." Bravo, Jess. I ran into some mutual friends of ours last Saturday and I was thinking in the back of my mind, "They are probably thinking I have let myself go and Newbie is crazy to be with me. Gross, Jess."

    So, I thought to myself today (as I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker with my third cup of coffee), "How can I turn these down-time moments into something productive? What am I going to do with myself? Sleeping a Saturday away isn't going to help you at all" (I slept till noon due to a large dosage of Nyquil from the night before because I had no need to get up early).

     I feel like I am going back to reinventing myself. Trying to find my happy balance. I called my mom Thursday night so upset I could barely get my words out. It was a pretty emotional draining week and I was at my breaking point. She just kept saying, "I know it hurts. I know it's hard. But put yourself first, Jess. Just let it all out." I did just that. I let it hurt, and I just cried. I'm not sure I could pinpoint what exactly hurt. Knowing I was going another weekend without seeing Newbie? Finding out that it very well may be another two-three months before we see one another again? Being with one of my best friends as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and starting a new part of a life I am longing for? Being out of wine? Or was it just exhaustion? I'm am going to go with all of the above.

    What is a girl to do? First things first, I shaved my legs. And my arms. And my toes. And any other part of my body that has hair (can I get an amen or was that too much information?). I then dragged my sorry butt to the gym and ran until I was exhausted. I treated myself to a caramel skinny iced latte and got my tan on. Something about the smell of my sweat, Starbucks and tanning oil instantly perked up my attitude. I would like to say that next I did something amazing, like fed the homeless or cleaned out and reorganized my closet. But all I did was open a bottle of Skinny Girl Sangria and curled up in bed to watch Untold Stories of the ER on TLC.

    Baby steps. One. Two. Three.

    So, what do I do next? I'm not quite sure. Continue a pattern of the gym, obviously. I know, I know--exercising increases happy endorphins. With the rest of the time I am trying to make a point to spend more time with friends and their kids. I have found myself calling my mother more. Working has been my sanity (and that's pretty sad where such a crazy job seems so normal). I have plans to visit friends in NC in the next few weekends just so I can leave town for a few days. But that will only go so far and last so long until I am bored with that. That just sounded really bad. I'm not saying seeing my friends is boring but you miss that longing that friends cannot fill.

     I guess the worst part is I start to think in the back of my mind, "Man. I hope this is worth it and it's going somewhere." I am trying not to compare my past long distance relationship to my current situation. I guess if anything I learned we both have to do a whole lot more communicating and be creative in letting one another know that we're going to be ok. Hand written letters, text messages, voicemails and late at night phone calls have been my saving grace.

    (And, for the record--can we not compare this to a couple where one of them may be in the army and they go months and months without seeing one another? That is a whole other level of relationship strength that I am not sure I could handle. Those couples--I admire.)

    I'll continue on the path of righteousness. Our prayer has been that this is God's will for us. His opportunity is there and my opportunity is here--apparently taking care of myself (a.k.a. grooming). It hasn't been quite a month since Newbie has left. I refuse to turn into that pathetic girl that just becomes so dang dependent on a male. So, I'm pulling my big ole panties up and going to deal with my current situation. I'll find my own fun again in this small town. I'm just going to do me--whatever that is.