It's not being called high maintenance. It's called having standards.

    I love scenarios. Let's set the scene, shall we?

    Boy and girl are dating. Boy is attracted to girl's looks and personality. Girl always looks good, put together and just all around, almost perfect. Boy is a gentleman--buys dinner, opens doors, treats girl to things she likes. Girl is being "wooed" and loves the attention. Girl starts to expect these things. When the newness of the relationship starts to ease off and grows very comfortable, Boy is not doing all the sweet, sentimental courtship acts he was performing at the beginning of the relationship. Girl becomes upset and frustrated. She deserves these things! She wants them, so she starts demanding them. Boy feels like crap, starts doing them but not because he wants to but he feels like he has to in order to keep the peace and keep Girl happy. It's an endless vicious cycle that leaves Girl growing more demanding and Boy feeling like he never measures up.

   Does this sound familiar? Lately, I have been giving this ideology of "high maintenance" versus "having standards" some serious thought. And, I think it's because lately I have heard Newbie say several times to me, "You are not high maintenance at all, thank God." At first, I took this as a compliment because I know I'm not, based on the definitions I have researched. But, then after a while I started thinking, "Wait a minute. Does that mean I don't have standards? Am I showing that I don't expect certain things? Am I being pushed over?" This has been a difficult pill to swallow lately and has made me step back and really look at some things.

   So, of course, I venture to the internet and research "high maintenance." Instantly, websites linking to "high maintenance women" fill my search results. Wow. I did not realize this was such an issue in a man's world. Newbie says it's because I'm independent. I say it's because I support myself and pay for my own crap. But anyways, AskMen.com had a quote that stuck out to me. High maintenance women are like high maintenance sports cars. They're lots of fun when you're out on the town together, but for every hour of showing off, there are another 10 spent on upkeep and repair behind the scenes. After hours of polishing the headlights in your garage, you might ask yourself — is this really worth it, just for a couple of rides? Leave it to a man's website compare us to a sports car (I wonder what kind I would be, was my next question). Yeah, high maintenance women are fun to show off--that trophy wife or girlfriend. But behind the scenes--yikes! Is she really that great to be with? When all the make up is gone and the money is spent, can she handle a night in with a cheap bottle of wine and dinner on the floor?

   I then started thinking, "What do men consider a high maintenance woman? Because I don't think I am one, but I could be blind." So I started researching this question. Several men websites claimed that a high maintenance woman is someone who demands for the man to spend an excessive amount of money on her, has a high profile life style that she expects to be kept up, or craves attention or affection. Sounds like a brat-- and thank God I don't know anyone personally like that. But, again, I started thinking, "Well, if I am not high maintenance, what am I? Where do my standards lie in a relationship?" As I started dating again, I had to reevaluate this question. Obviously, my standards change from being in a relationship for five years to being a new relationship after five weeks. Do I let my standards slack off as the relationship progresses? Do I become more accommodating to the man?

   Unfortunately. Yes I do. God, I hate myself for this. And I didn't realize this until I read this article from Glamour Mag. In the article, the columnist also points out that men can also be high maintenance. They have an "image" and often times, they contact you when they want to, leaving the girl hanging on. I find myself doing things, and not expecting much in return. I think this goes back to having a servant attitude, especially in the teaching profession. I like doing things for others, and I don't demand or expect anything in return. But am I giving too much--being ok with being the giver and sometimes a receiver? Am I am speaking my mind or am I just letting him run the relationship? I think girls are scared to say speak their mind for fear of losing that boyfriend or guy. But you know what? Forget that. If he doesn't like what I have to say, then he isn't worth the time anyways. I have a friend that when she was dating her boyfriend--I feared for him at first. She is very vocal and outspoken. She was always quick to put him in his place. I just knew he wasn't going to stick it out. But, she loved him and he loved her. She's learn to ease on him some and he's learned to step up his game. It was very intense for a while..

   So, girls, how do you determine the difference between being high maintenance or just having standards? There are certain things that I will always expect from the guy I am dating/future husband. I expect doors to be opened. I expect to have my head rubbed after a long day. I expect to be surprised at random times, just to know that he is thinking about me. I expect him to cook dinner at some point for me, even if it is just some meat and fresh veggies from the Fresh Market. I expect him to make time for me, my friends, and family. I expect him to be the leader in the relationship. I expect him to be respectful, make me feel special, wanted, and needed. But all those things don't require materialistic things, or nothing too costly. They just require some thought and action. If I don't set these standards, then why am I dating? Who am I dating for--myself, or for the guy?

   But setting the standards is one thing--communicating these is a whole other feat. Do I tell Newbie thank you for dinner? Did I let him know that I like it when he opens the door for me? When was the last time my head was rubbed? I obviously don't think I am hard to please. Even he made the comment one time, "If I just give you Mexican and set a beer in front of you, you are a happy girl." And that is completely right. I think that's why so many of our dates when we first started seeing one another involved Mexican, now that I think about it. Girls, we have to put it out there. We have to let our guys know what we expect or what we want. They aren't mind readers. Boys are dumb. We have to be completely honest with them, and with ourselves. Being reasonable to expect to be treated like he wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. But girls, we should also know our world shouldn't revolve around him and his world doesn't revolve around us. Instead, we should fit into each other's life so much that it becomes a habit of meeting and exceeding those high standards. It's becomes something that you want to--not something that is demanded. Yeah, every now and then we may have to give a good slap back to reality but that's ok from time to time.

   Newbie and I took a beach trip a couple weekends ago to get away for a few days. I was nervous, to be honest. But it ended up being just what I needed...what we both needed. At the end of the trip, I asked Newbie what he thought of his first vacation with me. He said, "It was amazing. You didn't complain not once. You let me watch football. You were laid back...and it was nice." I thought, "What in the world did this poor boy date in the past to demand so much from him? How flippin' exhausting for him and her. What is there to complain about being at the beach?"

   High maintenance. Don't be that girl that demands perfection. You'll never get it. Boys, when you expect perfection, you will end up with the girl that demands all your time and leaving you feel like you will always have to work to be something. Because that sports car loses value after a while. And if you are having to display so much on the outside to make your self worth seem better than what it is, then your heart must be so unattractive. What a worthless way to live, in my opinion. Be happy with who you are and find someone to be with that loves being with you--just the way you are. Speak your mind and know what you deserve--eventually, what is right for you will fall into place in a total unexpected way.