Trust: An Unconditional Love

I'm back! My trip was incredible. Indescribable. Which is why I haven't blogged about it, yet. I have been catching up on my jet lag and spending time today just taking it easy. However, I do promise tomorrow to upload some pictures and post more about it.

Tonight, though, I was thinking about trust. It's a staple in any relationship. Think about it-- every relationship or friendship is built on that. Some people automatically trust. Some do not trust so easily and one has to earn that trust. Often times this comes from being hurt repeatedly in the past, or even just in one instance. And when that trust is lost, it can be so hard to gain back. But I was thinking more tonight about how do you know when to trust people--again. I believe we all deserve second chances, in most cases. But I have such a hard time writing people off immediately. I know people that if you do something that causes them to lose trust in you, then can forget ever entering their world again. And these people are usually more protective of the ones they love, they are strong willed and very outspoken. I also know people that are so open to love, forgiveness, and will always try again. I don't mean people that just constantly keep going back to a bad relationship, but they don't hold grudges. They don't belittle those around them. I admire those people because those tend to be the most tenderhearted ones. But, you know, I'm not one to write people off immediately. I have a hard time walking away from friendships or relationships. It takes me finally having to come to that point on my own to walk away. No one can force me, talk me into it, or lecture me into doing it. I have to find out for my own. Sometimes I'm glad I did not leave the friendship in the dust because God shows me how it was part of his plan the whole time--most of the time it was teaching me a lesson. And other times, it shows me that not everyone is perfect and I have to forgive but move on.

I typically trust friends easily. I have several close friends, each one that I share intimate or important things with. I guess you could say I have a very well rounded group of friends. But in the relationship department-- I struggle with trusting men. The first man I loved, my dad, lost all my trust for a while. I am working on trusting him once again and rebuilding that relationship because I know one day it will bring honor to God. The second man in my life I loved for five years. I was never the jealous type. Never questioned him or had any reason to really question anything. The relationship ended out of no where and my whole world was turned upside down. Ever since then I have had a hard time trusting. What was once a strength of mine has now become a weakness. And I hate it. I know it's the enemy--taking any opportunity for me to doubt any future relationships.

I started reading through the Word to see what exactly God's thoughts were about trust. In John 14:1 Jesus says "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." King David in Psalm 56:4 writes "In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"  The Bible also states several times to not trust man, but God alone. We shouldn't put all our hope into one person, or one relationship. We are not perfect, so we will all at some point let someone down. Probably daily in some sort of way. That phone call you were supposed to make but you didn't. That task at work you said you would have done, but you never finished it because you got distracted. That promise you made to your child to take them to get ice cream but you got caught up at work. That time with someone special or a friend you were supposed to make happen but you didn't follow through. Or, promising your dog to go for a walk but fell asleep on the couch. Each little thing breaks down that pillar of trust.

So I started thinking, "Ok. So not to trust man. Got it. Trust God. I mean really put faith in Him and his works because in the end, it's all going to come out for the good for me and bring Him glory." It made me think of when I went zip lining on our R&R day in Nicaragua. I was strapped to a cable cord that hung thousands of feet about the ground, in the forests of Nicaragua. I decided to do something different. Well, Michael dared me to zip line backwards, upside down. Being one to not have a man prove that he can do something that I cannot, I accepted the challenge. But right before I was pushed off the platform, I truly had my trust in that cable, in the guide that I was hooked up right, in the other guide at the end of the cable that he would catch me. One snap, or unhook and I was done for in that forest. But I did it. I went and trusted in that cable and tour guides--and it was the best rush of my life. Trusting God is like that. When we really put our faith in God, and anchor that hope in our soul to Him, the ride and rush he will take us on will be breathtaking. You just have to take that step and know that he is going to always keep you sailing through your life.

But, what does this mean about trusting in relationships again? Lately, I have been so prayerful about certain relationships. I know that sounds like I am typically not prayerful with them, but I have really been pouring out some time, thoughts, and prayers. And I am trusting that God is working in them because I have already seen the fruit and his overwhelming response to me through answered prayers or little quips. I know at some point I will have to trust in a relationship again. If you ask any married couple or two people in a relationship what is one building block of foundation on their relationship they are going to say trust and love. And lately God keeps pointing me to the theme of "love" in Ephesians and 1 Corinthians. Tonight, it was 1 Corinthians13:7: Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. How does love trust? We aren't to trust people but to love them. When we give love to one another, we are seeking trust. It may not be a lot of love at first, but with each little service of love, trust is built. When we love we are communicating trust. In time, faith will come in that person. We become hopeful. And love will always out win any given situation. I have always heard my mom says, "Love is a choice." I totally believe that. You choose who you want to love and who you want to be with. You choose how much time, energy, trust, and hope you put into a relationship and into a person. You can choose to love someone so much, just as Christ loved us, that your heart is going to explode. Or, you can hate someone and push them away because that may be easy at the moment, but in the end it is going to suck.

But, let's be real here for a minute. Some people are hard to love. Lord help us and them. But that's what is so amazing about love. It is unconditional. Colossians 3:12-14: ...clothe yourself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience...and put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. How can we have compassion towards others if we don't love them? How can we be gentle and have patience if we are have such hate in our hearts? I know I have had to call upon God to show me how to love someone when I have completely lost patience with that person. It may not be an instant answered prayer, but something that God slowly shows me how deal or change my heart so that I can be patient. It's a tough prayer that does not need to be taken lightly.

In order for me to truly trust in relationships again, I must trust that God will be my harbor of hope, that he will not lead me astray. That any situation or circumstance I am in is to bring him honor. But I also know I can't truly trust in any relationship until I learn to love unconditionally. I'm not quite sure how to love unconditionally. But I pray that God will show me how. I also pray that God will grant me discernment so that I know when to discern fact from fiction. And that's when I have to be quiet and listen.

Trust. It's something that's earned. It's something that can be easily lost in man. But it comes from an unconditional love from deep within, based on Christ's extravagant love for us. Trust. Will it happen again for me? I like to think so. I have a little bit more hope tonight.

Making the best of each situation

We have landed in ATL airport safely. I mean, a flight from GSP isn't a huge deal. But we just learned that our flight has been delayed an hour which has pushed our layover to a 6 hour layover. 

I'm getting restless. Instead of pouting or being bored...

I figured I should use this time wisely. I was sitting here, thinking about just some random things in general (how I should have washed my hat before I left because it stinks, I would love a Starbucks energy drink about right now, how our team looks like a cluster of smurfs in our blue shirts, and I am so glad I upgraded to a hotspot on my iPhone the other week so I would have Internet access for the next few hours). I thought about a conversation I had with a friend last night. We were talking about life, our future, God's will, and just some other random topics (like just how stinkin CUTE my Josie is). And I was reading in 1 Corinthians 7:17 You must accept whatever situation The Lord has put you in, and continue on as you were when God first called you. We are all put into some crazy situations. Some crazier than others. I have had friends tell me several times that one could not make up the stuff I have been through (they're right. I have yet to see a lifetime movie anywhere CLOSE). The Lord had put us in situations that sometimes we don't understand or really want to be in. And in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is preaching on being married or single. Now there are some other interesting points in that chapter that was brought to my attention that I had never noticed before (I can't even go there right now)  However, we wonder why God has called certain people to remain single, whether it be for a short period or a long period of time, and why others are married (example, Honey Boo Boo's mom- uh, there IS someone for everyone). But we just have to accept that situation we are in. I think back to my mom when she was first divorced from my dad. She had a hard time accepting that situation. But once she finally accepted what had happened, she was able to truly embrace God's will for her life as a single, hot, red headed loud 55 year old woman. And God has taken her on a journey like no other. Being single can be difficult when all your friends are married and starting their families (hand raised, cough cough). Like, nothing special is happening in your life. My most exciting news for most days is that I put on real clothes, make up, and caught two full hours of Beverly Hills, 90210 and my iPhone didn't die on me. But I think it can be equally difficult for my married friends to see someone who isn't tied down to a spouse or a family and just do whatever they want to do. We don't have anyone to think of except ourself. I think both parties can be equally envious of one another. 

And then Paul tells us to continue on as you were when God first called you. I always think about the first of the school year. I am excited. Pumped. Ready to go. I am motivated. On my mountain top!  My kids are going to be the best class ever!! we are going to kill that state test!! Then comes October, and about that time I am trying not to kill myself. I am counting down the days to Thanksgiving break and Christmas. Those once sweet, shy, polite, motivated students are loud, defiant, and have completely wrecked my classroom. I am REALLY digging deep come March and praying that the good Lord sends an army of angels around me and my students to form a bubble between me and them. Same thing as when we are followers.When we are first called or have a total God moment, you are just in awe of Him. Then the real life sets in- we face temptation, frustrations, struggles, highs and great lows. We sometimes aren't very friendly to our family, friends, and heck- even God. But when we get that low, we have to remember the only way is up. Back up to that mountain top. We have to remember to when were first called, dig deep, find that drive and move on. When we are accepting our situation and moving forward, then God will bless us so much more infinitely more than we could ever imagine. 

But whatever I am now, it is because God poured his special favor on me- and not without results. 1 Corinthians 15:10

Disclaimer: typing a blog on an iPad has got to be the most hand cramping experience. Sorry for any obvious typos or misspellings. 

Let's grab the heart of the world and turn it to the light.

He will deliver the needy who cry out,

the afflicted who have no one to help. Psalm 72:12   

   I wanted to take some quiet moments this morning to reflect on my upcoming adventure. That sounded really serious. But anyways, I leave tomorrow to head to Nicaragua to work with Chosen Children Ministries for a week. I am traveling with my aunt and uncle and about 20 other people. This is not my first mission trip across the seas or traveling a long distance away from home (example: the summer I graduated from college I traveled across Colombia with my grandfather and my dad for almost a month--not sure how I survived that trip). But, with this trip, I have been more anxious about leaving. I guess when I was younger, I didn't really think about taking off to Jamaica a few times, spending a summer in Venezuela when I was 14, or traveling to Honduras over Christmas break with college friends, or deciding to take 60 college kids halfway across the US to Texas for Spring Break. Now, I'm thinking about what all could go wrong. Have I really become settled in my age that I am restless over a mission trip over seas?

   While I am gone, I asking everyone to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have had tremendous support from friends and families while preparing for this trip, financially and emotionally. From a couple families that have help fund my trip, my mom for lending me shorts to wear (because I can't go pants-less in Nicaragua), to a coworker for supplying the materials to make the hygiene bags so that a part of her is being sent to Nicaragua, and to friends who have prayed continuously for this trip. However, it doesn't stop there. That is only the beginning. The most support I will need will be for the next week. Here are some things you could be praying for me and for my team.

• Pray for me! Like I stated, I have been anxious about leaving. I am not sure why my heart has been unsettled for a while now. But I know God is just preparing the prepared. Pray that I will have a peace while traveling, that I will step out of the way and that God will use me to the most extreme while I am in Nicaragua. (Wow- that's a pretty powerful prayer. I better get ready.)
• Pray for safe travels. We fly out of GSP at noon on Saturday, fly to ATL, have a 3-4 hour overlay then head to Nicaragua around 5. We should land there about 10 PM our time. 
• Pray for GREAT health! No sickness. No headaches. No upset tummies. Pray for our team to have a lot of energy and motivation!
• Pray for our ministry. We will be working with the children in the orphanages, sharing our faith, feeding the community, and several other small projects in a short week.
• Pray for the people of Nicaragua. Being a very poor country, they are grateful and thankful for whatever is given to them. Pray that their hearts will be softened and opened to God's word and to us.
• Pray for my mother. She is taking care of my sweet Josie while I am gone. Bless...

   There are so many other things that I could list for you to be in prayer for this next week. My prayer for you is that God will move in your heart while I am gone. Yes, I am in another country sharing God's incredible love. But you, my friend, have a ministry right where you are living. I challenge you while I am gone to do something out of love and care for someone around you. Friend, family member, or stranger-- pay it forward. The Bible states that all we have to do is plant the seed and God will take care of the harvest. We may never see the results of our work, but He does. What is going to be your mission for the next day--week--or month?

I'm healed! Oh wait.

     The last few posts have been intense. So let me share a funny with you today.

     The last couple of days my vision has been off. My right eye was all funky, red, and swollen. So I stayed in one night and kept a cold compress on it, hoping it would heal or at least the redness would go away. I wore my glasses for a couple days, not sure what the deal was. And I kept thinking, "What if while I am in Nicaragua my vision gets worse?? I'm going blind! I need to make an eye appointment." (but I never did)

     Yesterday I attempted at wearing my contacts. Everything was off. My right eye was focusing at such a more intensity than my left. I felt like I was looking through everything like a drunk. Last night at dinner, my friend CL was laughing at me because I could not focus. I was squinting, covering my eye, winking. I thought, I have a serious problem.

     I come home from dinner and do my routine. Put on my robe, take out my contacts, take my medicine and climb into bed. I pass out immediately. This morning I wake up to use the bathroom and as I am sitting there, Josie walks in. I think, wow. I can see her clearly out of my right eye. I proceed to cover my left eye and thought, "O my gosh! My vision is, like, perfect! (I think this for literally a split 5 seconds)." Then, I feel something move in my eye. It's my flippin contact. I check my contact case to see if I did indeed take out my right contact last night. And I did. All along I have been wearing two contacts in the right eye for the last two days.

    I need a vacation.
 

Let it go.

    You ever been so mad or ill with someone that you just want to punch them in the throat? Stomp on their pinky toe? Poke them in the eye?

   Ok. Maybe that sounded too violent. But you just get so mad at what someone for something that they have said or done. You want to inflect pain--or wish that karma would come back in time for you to see what happens to them. Which side note, karma always comes back. Example: I was seeing a guy while I was in college (not sure why--he wasn't even really my type. I guess I was bored?). Anyways, he cheated on me and broke up with me (thank God) and ended up marrying this girl. Well, just very recently, she was in the public eye for something very inappropriate that she did and brought shame to him and her. I admit--I laughed. Then felt bad for the situation. Anyways, karma always comes back.

    We all have been hurt by someone. Someone that has lied to us, let us down, hurt our feelings, was a bad friend/spouse, etc. And we begin to harbor resentment towards them. We have a hard time forgiving them and their actions. We can't go back and undo the past but we wish like heck that maybe we could so we could take away the hurt.

    My father had an affair while I was college. My parents split two weeks before their 25 wedding anniversary. Talk about anger, confusion, resentment, lost of trust and honor. I was so disgusted with my dad. I tried to keep up a relationship with him, but eventually I just cut him off when he married the woman he had an affair with. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. And my dad was one of my best friends. So not only did I lose a dad but I lost a friend. I remember talking to "the boy's" mom about this situation. I will never forget these words as long as I live. She said, "Jess, you can accept what your father has done. That's not going to change. You have to face that. But you don't have to approve of his actions." Let that sink in. You almost have to accept the wrong doing in order to start the forgiveness process but you don't have to approve of it. I would like to say that I started to forgive my father right then and there but I couldn't. My mother wanted to see a therapist. My friends urged me to talk to my father. "The boy" at the time would talk to me about maybe calling him but supported me in whatever decision I made. I would like to say I really prayed about it as hard as I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't want to forgive my father. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. And I knew not talking to him was hurting him as much as it hurt me.

   I was sitting in church one Sunday in January. Our pastor preached on forgiveness. He talked about how forgiveness can eat you alive and how you can have such unrest. How you cannot truly have peace with yourself. He challenged us as to what we were going to do to settle a situation or come to terms with a broken relationship. I remember, I just sat there and cried. I cried throughout the whole sermon because I kept thinking of my dad. Being a Castro, I was too prideful to make a move. I didn't know how to go about doing this. Then, exactly a month later, I woke up one Sunday morning at 4:00. I was restless for over an hour. I tossed and turned on my couch. Three hours later, I receive a message that my stepmom had passed away her sleep-- at 4:30 that morning. Talk about chills and a God moment. That afternoon, I saw my dad for the first time in 4 years. I truly knew how it felt to forgive. All my anger-- all my pride-- all my hurt-- it was gone. I was telling my best friend that I had never felt such relief. While I would like to say everything with my dad has been amazing, easy, and perfect since then. But it hasn't. We talk weekly and have started having dinners together again. And it feels so freakin good to spend time with him.

   Having to forgive my father for what he did was the hardest situation I have had to face in my life. It was a long process--almost 5 years long. And it's still a process. But I will say this, it has made forgiving others a little bit easier. Just recently I was very upset with a situation. While I stewed over it for a few hours, I then realized that there was no point in staying mad and hating that person for what they did (and maybe the wine helped a little). Could I still be hurt? Yes, of course. But staying angry--what good would that do? Rob Bell has a NOOMA video titled "Luggage.". One statement he makes is, "Revenge is like saying to God, 'I don't trust you--I can do your job better.'" Deep down, we all want someone to hurt like they have hurt us. We want to put the situation in our hands and just unleash hell sometimes. While that can be fun, you're not really getting anywhere with that situation. But we have to trust that God will vindicate the situation because he causes all things to work together for our good. Our job--forgive. He'll take care of the rest. I'm not going to preach out there and say, "Go! Forgive! Do it NOW!" Because it's not something that can happen just over night. God had obviously been working on my hardened heart for a while. He was preparing me. But, just give it some thought. And maybe watch the video below (and learn a little bit of Spanish along the way).



   

"You want me to cook? You could at least text back."

    It's nothing new to know that I am dating again. After my five year relationship that ended out of no where this past October, I am finally entering back into the dating world. It has been a slow, grueling process. It wasn't something I was looking forward to doing again. The last time I dated was in the summer of 2007, at the ripe age of 22. Fast forward to 2013, at the age of 28, I knew it was going to be a whole different ball game. I knew it would be crappy. With all my friends married and starting families, I was on my own. Now, don't get me wrong-- I have a great support system and sounding board. My friends are always eager to hear about dates, meet these young gents I have dated, and encourage me to move on to the better (or that's what I tell myself).

     Going back to when I was 22, I was dating for fun- nothing serious. I wasn't interested in settling down. I was just getting started with my career. And "the boy" was still in school. When we first met, it was instant. There was no game. There were no questions. Our first date was my last "first date" for the next five years. It came so easy. Our weekends were spent burning up I-85 visiting one another, going out to Sammy's with everyone, and then busting tail during the week for school work. It was a serious relationship, but always care-free fun.

     Now, entering the dating scene at the age of 28 is quite scary when you haven't really dated around in a while. It becomes this whole game. I found myself asking questions like, "Do I respond now? How should I word this? I don't want to be that girl." (No lie- I have once seen a girl text a guy 10 times in less than 5 minutes because he wasn't responding immediately. One text read, "I do NOT enjoy being ignored." Uh, you are being ignored for a reason. Back off, crazy.)  Every move you make in the dating world becomes a calculated move. Every move I make, I have to see it from a guy's point of view. As Steve Harvey says, "Act like a lady. Think like a man." (Great movie by the way.) And this is when close guys friends become great advice givers. Play hard to get. Back off for a little while--he'll come around. He wants what he can't have. Then eventually it ends up with, He doesn't deserve you.

Right.

   I find myself constantly going back and forth with re-reading text messages, replaying conversations in my head, thinking back to situations and questioning my sanity if it's just me and I'm out of the loop. I am too dang old to be playing this game.

   Now, enter my beautiful sweet friend MB who is 22. After a Mexican dinner one night, we quickly realized our worlds are very similar and parallel. After seeing a guy for over half a year, they break up. It was a hard break up. I saw myself flash back to her age--to her situation. And I am sure she saw herself flash forward to my time and age. It was almost kind of freaky. I also realized that night that no matter what age we are-- 22 or 28-- the dating world sucks. We are both in careers where you don't meet many guys (someone please tell me the male to female teacher ratio. It is not in our favor). And the guys you do meet in education--well, that's just not our type in most cases. Then you deal with the guys that are playing the hard to get. The ones who like to be chased, or they like the chase. And then, bless, you deal with the guys that are just super sweet and you give a chance, but there is no chemistry. Nothing special. You can't continue to see that guy just because you're lonely. We have a heart, people. So you end it and you're back to square one. Searching. But we did realize that have both dated that guy that likes to keep you on the side. The one who texts you to hang out, to meet up for a quick dinner or drink just to say hey, gets your hopes up, tells you they miss you. Then, oh surprise. They have a girlfriend a short few days later. Oh. Wait. What. Excuse me? I didn't think you wanted a relationship. You just texted me last week, wanting to get back together, and now you have a girlfriend?

And they say girls cannot make up their mind. Ok. Newsflash guys. It's ok if you want to date around. It's ok (sometimes) if you want to date multiple girls. But here are some guidelines you should remember if you want to keep your reputation in tack.

1. Be Honest My gosh I cannot stress this enough. Be up front if you don't want a serious relationship. Let us know that you are dating around. You don't have to tell us her name, where you are taking her, how she compares to us, etc. However, don't tell us that we are the only girl that you talk to and no one else is of your interest. Because, when we are told that you were saw out with another girl at a fine dining restaurant on the weekend when we haven't heard from you in a few days because you are "busy," we look like the fool. And when a woman realizes that she looks like a fool--well, let's just think of Carried Underwood and the baseball bat to the pick up truck. If you are seeing a girl and you're not feeling it, don't just ignore her. Some girls can take a hint and hit the road and not look back. Others will take that as playing hard to get and they will continue to chase you down, and obsess over you. But either way, ignoring her is the coward way out. In my mind, you will always be left with a huge red "x" next to your name in my mind. Honesty saves a lot of trouble in the end. And if you are up front and tell us that you are dating around, and we're not ok with that then we can bow out gracefully. You are left with a decent reputation and we can move on.
2. Be Consistent. Don't tell a woman you miss her and then not make plans. If you are texting constantly, liking her Facebook status, calling her to see how her day is--well, then we are going to expect something from you. And when you drop off the face off the earth for a few days, and we don't hear from you--you become that unreliable guy. Remember: you make time for you who want to see and be with daily.
3. On that note, Be Considerate. We have feelings. Those feelings can be all over the place. We can either be super sweet and the greatest girl you have ever met, or we can quickly become your worst enemy. We date with our heart. I try not to put my heart out there. But, then you get those talkers who can tell you what you want to hear. Not the words where I all of a sudden become a panty dropper. But words that I start to let you in. And when I let a guy chip away at my wall a little bit each time and I find out it was just a game, that is almost worse to deal with than if I had slept with you. Put it this way: We want to see you. But if you don't want to hang out that night, let us know. We will respect you a whole lot more. Plus, that means we get a night in with a bottle of wine and Hulu Plus.
4. Don't think that we will always be there--next time. I am one to give chances. I always try to see the good in people. I know people mess up. I keep going back, thinking I can change it or it will be a different situation. However, I have quickly learned that I can't do that anymore.  You can't always have the best of both worlds. You can't have me for right now, then decide you're kind of bored, then come back in a few weeks when nothing else is around. No. That makes you a player. And no one wants a player.
5. Behind every girl is gang of girlfriends. I have some amazing friends. When "the boy" and I broke up, one best friend threw me in the car with a six pack of our adult beverage, drove me to the NC, cleaned out the house with all my stuff, and let me cry the whole way home while rubbing my head. Then, lectured me to let me know that this is just the beginning. Another best friend instantly planned a weekend for us to go to Harrah's to see LBT and have a girls' weekend away. Two of my closest coworker friends would leave me little quotes in my classroom, hide candy in my box and let me hide in their room when I couldn't manage during the day. My point being, I didn't have to ask my friends to do that. They just did it. The Bible says, "Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned." Well, I think that should be changed to WOMEN scorned. I know for a fact that there are a couple relationships that if I even entertained the thought of returning to, those friends would be on me like white on rice so quick to remind me of what I deserve, I wouldn't give it another thought. And just as these past relationships have me jaded, and some guys have earned that reputation of sucking at life, those friends support me. They will attack. So remember-- if you want to get close to a girl, make an honest effort with her friends. Because I guarantee you, after you leave, there will be a mass text message about you and your approval rating.

   If you are one that loves dating around, having multiple girls to hang out with that could be "potential girl friend material," staying in random beds and have different girls in your bed, then go enjoy the single life. Just don't feed us such bull in the long run. And let's be honest, please. At some point the game gets old. Especially around my age. If you are ready to settle down, throw the game out the window, find the girl you want to be with, and just do it. Flipping pursue her! Let her know that you want to be with her. And if you don't, we'll be ok. We deserve better. Because after all, with the each failed date or relationship I am just quickly learning what I don't want or need in my future.

Wait Quietly

If you truly know me, you know I am not the quietest person. When I get quiet, that's when I am really thinking. I become almost like a recluse. You have to pry personal information out of me. I often get fussed at by one of my best friends for not speaking my mind all the time. I am trying to get better at that with my friends.

However, when it comes to speaking to the good Lord above-- I am not so quiet. I ask questions, I complain, I offer praises, and some nights I find my hand cramping because I realize I have written 5 pages of prayers and thoughts. When I drifting off to sleep, I am talking to Him about a range of things--what tomorrow will bring, why someone said a certain thing to me that day, my response to people who have hurt me, what time I am going to have my coffee tomorrow morning, will my mother ever stop leaving voicemails? When I wake up, I say the Lord's prayer, then ask God to help me find that magical outfit to wear for the day. Or, ask him to give me patience with someone that I just want to punch in the throat (I'm really not that violent).

Lately, I have been discussing with Him why I am put into certain situations, or experiences. I don't often understand why-- and I pray for understanding. And I know our God is a God of perfect timing. Why this person? Why this failed relationship? Why this constant confusion? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? What can I learn from this? How am I going to approach this situation again (because I know it's going to happen again)? Why didn't you end it sooner? Was I that blind? (I just noticed that the teacher in me causes me to ask all the questions--inquiry learning and application, people.) It's no wonder God ever gets a word in edge wise with me. That's probably why God sends me such strong, opinionated friends and slap in the face events. I'm not quiet enough to listen. I then saw this quote on Pinterest this morning.

 

I love that this version says, "Let all that I am." That means every being-every ounce of me. This reminds me of when I went to see my brother in Greenwood the other weekend. We were sitting in the pew at the church service, listening to people give their testimony. A man in front of us stood up to give his. I had already had a previous conversation with this man earlier and he was an interesting character to say the least. And I think the quote he used was, "I didn't know God could save a sinner like me. I was just a singing Elvis impersonator, who was grinding on the weekends." One look at my brother, and we lost it. Well, of course, I could not stop giggling to myself. While I was so thrilled the Lord saved him, I was red in the face where I was trying to stifle my giggle and try not to shake the whole pew from laughing. My aunt left a nice little pinch mark on my arm like they used to do when you are 6 years old, misbehaving during the church service.

 

My point being, I had to use all of me to not just combust with laugher on that pew. And I have to remember that my same being, I have to control myself to be quiet before the Lord. Every ounce. Every being. Every question. I must wait. It's hard to sit and be quiet and to listen. And the verse says before  God. If I could conjure up an image of me and God, it would be something like this. Him, sitting in His chair, with a peaceful smile. Me, sitting cross legged at his feet, sipping my coffee and just being quiet, telling myself to shut up. Almost like playing the quiet game. And just waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And remembering that my hope is in him. When I constantly question what God does in my life, it's almost like I am not fully trusting him. That I am not putting my hope in him. While I think we should ask questions, we shouldn't question God's plan. And lately, I've been questioning God's plan and will for my life. 

 

What is so amazing is that God is so patient. How often do we lose our patience with people? Especially stupid people. As a teacher, you have to learn to deal with "that student" that constantly ask questions. And I always calmly look at "that student" and say, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" And of course, that eager student says, "Yes! Go!" I am just that eager student, that wants to know what comes next. I am always thinking three steps ahead. God is that teacher just smiling, calmly saying, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" Yes, you may. I will be quiet and wait.