Let it go.

    You ever been so mad or ill with someone that you just want to punch them in the throat? Stomp on their pinky toe? Poke them in the eye?

   Ok. Maybe that sounded too violent. But you just get so mad at what someone for something that they have said or done. You want to inflect pain--or wish that karma would come back in time for you to see what happens to them. Which side note, karma always comes back. Example: I was seeing a guy while I was in college (not sure why--he wasn't even really my type. I guess I was bored?). Anyways, he cheated on me and broke up with me (thank God) and ended up marrying this girl. Well, just very recently, she was in the public eye for something very inappropriate that she did and brought shame to him and her. I admit--I laughed. Then felt bad for the situation. Anyways, karma always comes back.

    We all have been hurt by someone. Someone that has lied to us, let us down, hurt our feelings, was a bad friend/spouse, etc. And we begin to harbor resentment towards them. We have a hard time forgiving them and their actions. We can't go back and undo the past but we wish like heck that maybe we could so we could take away the hurt.

    My father had an affair while I was college. My parents split two weeks before their 25 wedding anniversary. Talk about anger, confusion, resentment, lost of trust and honor. I was so disgusted with my dad. I tried to keep up a relationship with him, but eventually I just cut him off when he married the woman he had an affair with. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. And my dad was one of my best friends. So not only did I lose a dad but I lost a friend. I remember talking to "the boy's" mom about this situation. I will never forget these words as long as I live. She said, "Jess, you can accept what your father has done. That's not going to change. You have to face that. But you don't have to approve of his actions." Let that sink in. You almost have to accept the wrong doing in order to start the forgiveness process but you don't have to approve of it. I would like to say that I started to forgive my father right then and there but I couldn't. My mother wanted to see a therapist. My friends urged me to talk to my father. "The boy" at the time would talk to me about maybe calling him but supported me in whatever decision I made. I would like to say I really prayed about it as hard as I wanted to. But I didn't. I didn't want to forgive my father. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. And I knew not talking to him was hurting him as much as it hurt me.

   I was sitting in church one Sunday in January. Our pastor preached on forgiveness. He talked about how forgiveness can eat you alive and how you can have such unrest. How you cannot truly have peace with yourself. He challenged us as to what we were going to do to settle a situation or come to terms with a broken relationship. I remember, I just sat there and cried. I cried throughout the whole sermon because I kept thinking of my dad. Being a Castro, I was too prideful to make a move. I didn't know how to go about doing this. Then, exactly a month later, I woke up one Sunday morning at 4:00. I was restless for over an hour. I tossed and turned on my couch. Three hours later, I receive a message that my stepmom had passed away her sleep-- at 4:30 that morning. Talk about chills and a God moment. That afternoon, I saw my dad for the first time in 4 years. I truly knew how it felt to forgive. All my anger-- all my pride-- all my hurt-- it was gone. I was telling my best friend that I had never felt such relief. While I would like to say everything with my dad has been amazing, easy, and perfect since then. But it hasn't. We talk weekly and have started having dinners together again. And it feels so freakin good to spend time with him.

   Having to forgive my father for what he did was the hardest situation I have had to face in my life. It was a long process--almost 5 years long. And it's still a process. But I will say this, it has made forgiving others a little bit easier. Just recently I was very upset with a situation. While I stewed over it for a few hours, I then realized that there was no point in staying mad and hating that person for what they did (and maybe the wine helped a little). Could I still be hurt? Yes, of course. But staying angry--what good would that do? Rob Bell has a NOOMA video titled "Luggage.". One statement he makes is, "Revenge is like saying to God, 'I don't trust you--I can do your job better.'" Deep down, we all want someone to hurt like they have hurt us. We want to put the situation in our hands and just unleash hell sometimes. While that can be fun, you're not really getting anywhere with that situation. But we have to trust that God will vindicate the situation because he causes all things to work together for our good. Our job--forgive. He'll take care of the rest. I'm not going to preach out there and say, "Go! Forgive! Do it NOW!" Because it's not something that can happen just over night. God had obviously been working on my hardened heart for a while. He was preparing me. But, just give it some thought. And maybe watch the video below (and learn a little bit of Spanish along the way).