However, when it comes to speaking to the good Lord above-- I am not so quiet. I ask questions, I complain, I offer praises, and some nights I find my hand cramping because I realize I have written 5 pages of prayers and thoughts. When I drifting off to sleep, I am talking to Him about a range of things--what tomorrow will bring, why someone said a certain thing to me that day, my response to people who have hurt me, what time I am going to have my coffee tomorrow morning, will my mother ever stop leaving voicemails? When I wake up, I say the Lord's prayer, then ask God to help me find that magical outfit to wear for the day. Or, ask him to give me patience with someone that I just want to punch in the throat (I'm really not that violent).
Lately, I have been discussing with Him why I am put into certain situations, or experiences. I don't often understand why-- and I pray for understanding. And I know our God is a God of perfect timing. Why this person? Why this failed relationship? Why this constant confusion? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? What can I learn from this? How am I going to approach this situation again (because I know it's going to happen again)? Why didn't you end it sooner? Was I that blind? (I just noticed that the teacher in me causes me to ask all the questions--inquiry learning and application, people.) It's no wonder God ever gets a word in edge wise with me. That's probably why God sends me such strong, opinionated friends and slap in the face events. I'm not quiet enough to listen. I then saw this quote on Pinterest this morning.
I love that this version says, "Let all that I am." That means every being-every ounce of me. This reminds me of when I went to see my brother in Greenwood the other weekend. We were sitting in the pew at the church service, listening to people give their testimony. A man in front of us stood up to give his. I had already had a previous conversation with this man earlier and he was an interesting character to say the least. And I think the quote he used was, "I didn't know God could save a sinner like me. I was just a singing Elvis impersonator, who was grinding on the weekends." One look at my brother, and we lost it. Well, of course, I could not stop giggling to myself. While I was so thrilled the Lord saved him, I was red in the face where I was trying to stifle my giggle and try not to shake the whole pew from laughing. My aunt left a nice little pinch mark on my arm like they used to do when you are 6 years old, misbehaving during the church service.
My point being, I had to use all of me to not just combust with laugher on that pew. And I have to remember that my same being, I have to control myself to be quiet before the Lord. Every ounce. Every being. Every question. I must wait. It's hard to sit and be quiet and to listen. And the verse says before God. If I could conjure up an image of me and God, it would be something like this. Him, sitting in His chair, with a peaceful smile. Me, sitting cross legged at his feet, sipping my coffee and just being quiet, telling myself to shut up. Almost like playing the quiet game. And just waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And remembering that my hope is in him. When I constantly question what God does in my life, it's almost like I am not fully trusting him. That I am not putting my hope in him. While I think we should ask questions, we shouldn't question God's plan. And lately, I've been questioning God's plan and will for my life.
What is so amazing is that God is so patient. How often do we lose our patience with people? Especially stupid people. As a teacher, you have to learn to deal with "that student" that constantly ask questions. And I always calmly look at "that student" and say, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" And of course, that eager student says, "Yes! Go!" I am just that eager student, that wants to know what comes next. I am always thinking three steps ahead. God is that teacher just smiling, calmly saying, "If you let me finish, your question will be answered. May I continue, please?" Yes, you may. I will be quiet and wait.
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