Braving a Busted Blessing.

How many times a day do we sometimes look at our life or a situation and think, "Well, that didn't go as planned." Or sometimes, we may say our "give a darn" is busted. When that happens to me, I step back and try to figure out how I went from Point A to all the way to Point What the Heck. Sometimes I can pinpoint where I screwed up at; other times, I have no clue where it went wrong.


Until today. I realized I put myself in situations where my intention seems good at the time. I think I know what I'm doing, when reality, I have no clue what direction I am heading in. Then the situation that unfolds is greater than my intention. That's where my fault lies. I try to control or dominate the situation. We like to control where we go and what we do because then are no unexpected surprises or curveballs. If we were completely honest, how many times have we put ourselves in a path, whether it is with a job, a relationship, friendship or what not just for hopes that we are going to receive something great--a blessing. We strategically plan out the step by step (subconsciously) process thinking that if we do this, we will receive this great reward or blessing.


For example, if I plan two extra hours a day for my classroom instruction, then it is bound to be a great lesson and all my students are going to be extravagantly blessed by my hard work!  OR if I plant myself in this online dating world, then I am bound to meet the man that is going to just sweep me off my feet and make all my wishes and dreams come true because I created the perfect profile with the perfect picture! OR, it's ok if I hang out this one time with a friend. Nothing of harm can come from it. I am totally guarded. I'm just trying to be a blessing to that friend!


All that is great (intention) until...the lesson falls apart because time is against and you didn't realize that 24 kids would take all the energy out of you; you are blessed with the one-date curse and you go out on seven first dates and you start to think, "Ok. Maybe it is me."; or the trust of that friend is betrayed and your blessing becomes a burden of a friendship. Back to Point A, or whatever point you are coming from at the end of that moment.


The last week I have been thinking about where I have found myself lately. Working my butt off to make the best of a situation in my classroom. Supporting myself and making ends meet at the end of the month on a single teacher's salary. Balancing time between friends and trying to be the best friend that I can be to each person. And I thought to myself, where has this gotten me?  I used to have this guinea pig (one of my many class pets) and we would put in this rolling ball and let it roll around the classroom. Gwinnie would roll into the wall, then roll back and roll around for a little while and then run into a desk. She would do this for an hour-no true direction, just bumping and rolling around the classroom. And lately, I have felt like Gwinnie-- not sure I am making progress in any area of my life. Just rolling around. When I hit a wall, I back up and keep going until I hit another wall. Last Sunday, I had a breakdown at my mom's, saying that I pretty much couldn't do life anymore (we all have those moments, whether you like to admit it or not). What blessing have I been? What blessings have I received? If this is God's blessing for my life, then it is busted obviously. Is this what God really wants for me? Nearing thirty, all friends married with kids, a job that seems to be too much to handle at times, living in the ghetto with my older brother that leaves his dip cups around the house that Josie and Midge end up getting into (and I find myself asking is that poop or dip on the floor)? Am I putting myself in the right situations with great intentions or am I looking at my intentions more than what the situation can become? Am I not made for better than this? Do I not deserve better than this?


Then it occurred to me (and this isn't a first time I have thought this, just been a while) that God has protected me from situations when my intentions sucked so that I wouldn't miss out on other blessings. Other times, I have been on a crappy end of a situation so that I could see what better blessings lie ahead of me. My favorite saying? It can only get better from here. Am I going to continue to make selfish choices and purposefully plant myself in a situation or place, thinking that I will receive something great? Or, am I going to brave this busted blessing life and continue to move onward? I'm going to go with the latter. No more purposefully seeking out blessings for selfish gain. But rather, living a life of love-on my own- and know that if I continue to do what God has called me to do--teach, encourage, laugh, be ready to go, and love deeply and hard--then my busted blessings will turn into bountiful blessings.

I know I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure. Sometimes, though, our busted blessings bring brokenness that brings us back to where we belong. Back to finding my true self-worth in something greater that cannot be gained or found in this world. Unless it's a pumpkin spice latte-- those always bless my soul.

Ahora o Nunca

Now or never. That's what "ahora o nunca" means in Spanish. I saw this on Pinterest, and I became obsessed with this saying. Lately, I have been repeating this in my head. "Ahora o nunca. Do it." 


I am such the procrastinator. It's a wonder any of my friends depend on me, honestly. My impulsiveness gets the best of me. I wait until the last minute, and then I will go and do. OR, I am the extreme opposite: I dwell, analyze and pour over something to the point that it has lost it's meaning--I become ridiculously obsessed. But that's more like, my small side of OCD rearing it's ugly head.

Lately, I have been handled some situations that have totally taken me for surprise. They really haven't been bad or unfortunate. I have been forced to re-evaluate the character of some people, question true intentions, and carefully watch how I proceed with certain events. In the past, I have been quick to talk and dwell over a situation/someone, react with impulse and then find myself thinking I should have handled it differently. Hind sight is 20-20 right? We always see things in a better light after it's all said and done.

So, I started thinking. "What can I do to find that equal balance?" I was reminded of the verse in Psalm that says to wait quietly and patiently before the Lord. I blogged about that a couple of years go. Being full of questions and always talking, I want to know what is going to happen next; what one thinks; what should I do? I tell friends to tell me to shut up all the time (which they don't, bless them).  Obviously, I just need to wait quietly and be patient. I told myself I would have to put those emotions and reactions into place--force myself to be quiet and patient. Sometimes to just...stop.

The last week or two, I found myself to not be so quick to jump to conclusions or thoughts. I have made myself take words, conversations, and events in stride. I have forced myself to internalize what has been done, sit on for a little bit (a couple hours or a day or two) then proceed. Normally I am an open book and will tell you whatever you want to know/what I want to tell you, even if you don't want to know. However, I have selected a few people to talk to and share feelings with daily. I don't see it as me being vague, but sometimes it's not good when a lot of people know a whole lot of what is going on in one's life. Less is more, right? Thinking through some things on my own, then sharing has helped me get thoughts in order and have a firm foundation of how I think I should handle people and situations.

With that being said, I have come to realize I have to let certain things of the past go. I have come to the realization that it's "ahora o nunca." Sometimes it's best to just release. Is it the easiest? Heck no. But carrying the weight of vengeance, bitterness, or hurt weighs down one's soul and fools with the mind. Sunday as I got finished with grading papers, I heard a voice say, "Start over. Let it go. It's done."  I was talking with a friend and she said, "Jess. You have just got to let it go. Don't punish that person anymore. The deed is done. The apology has been offered. Move forward, with caution of course. But you cannot fully embrace what could be when you are still dwelling on what was."


Let it go. Ahora or nunca. Just let things be and embrace what could possibly hold for the future. If you can't do it now, then you may never will. Because after all, we aren't promised tomorrow.

Put down the gelato and the spoon.

     Break ups suck--no matter the reason or why a couple broke up. A mutual-we-both-know-this-isn't-working-break up is almost worse than a knock down drag out because there really are no hard, resentment, hatred towards one another. You want to be mad and throw a tantrum, but you really don't have a reason to do such a drama queen act. When the ex and I broke up two years ago, I went into a depression that sucked for about 3 months. It involved a lot of tears, lots of fitful sleeps and well, you get the picture. I haven't had that same reaction recently. I have had some restless sleeps because I wake up at 2 AM with my mind racing of random scenarios. Shed a few tears out of pure exhaustion. But the one thing that I have found myself experiencing once again is the loneliness and the rejection.

     It's been a wide range loneliness. Yes, the lack of physical contact has sucked but you get used to that when 500 miles is put between the two of you. Well, you don't get used to it, but you learn to deal with it. You grow accustomed to talking to the same person everyday for a year. Someone that you share your day with--the highs and the lows. Someone that you vent to (my Wednesday afternoon rants were always fun and my frustration in the education system) and someone that makes you laugh (white boy can rap). And especially having someone that you can plan dinners and outings with to give you something to look forward to each week or special occasion. You feel like you have been rejected--rejected from a relationship, rejected from plans, rejected by someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore. I think this hit me the week of the Fourth because it was the first holiday in a year that I only had to worry about what I was going to do that weekend, which ended up being a total blast. But, not making plans with "that someone" was hard for a few days that week. Realizing that someone wasn't worried about what I was doing and me not having to worry about someone else was an odd feeling. I found myself recoiling and not really wanting to be around a lot of people at the end of that crazy weekend. As Meredith says, "You crawl into your hole and we have to dig to find you" or something like that.

    The other night I was sitting on the couch eating peanut butter chocolate gelato, watching TV absent-mindedly, and reading. After a few minutes I looked down and realized I hate the whole freaking container of gelato. It's not your normal size of ice cream container but still. I ate it all. A few things went through my mind at that point.

1. Good job. You ate all the gelato. Now what?
2. You're a fatty.
3. You must find your tennis shoes and get back to running.
4. You're pathetic. Get a life, again.

   As I got up to dispose of the evidence, I told myself I needed to get a grip. I wouldn't say I have been moping around the last few weeks but just not really having the energy to make an effort to get out nor truly groom myself. My mother brought this to my attention this weekend in the pool. If I contacted you or conversed with you in the last week, consider yourself privileged and brave!

   I know I have friends to vent, veg out, and validate life with (love my use of the "v" don't ya?). They are wonderful, as usual. But, it is all about finding my balance and getting used to being on my own again. I think everyone needs their own time to take it all in, readjust, and figure out your next step. For me, it is something to keep my mind busy and my body busy. If you know me, you know I absolutely hate getting dressed during the summer. No lie, the other day I almost shed tears because I had to fix my hair, shave my legs, and put on adult clothes. I am spoiled by my two and half months off of professional dress. A friend made the comment last night to me, "Do you ever wear anything other than a bathing suit? Every time I see you, you have a bathing suit on." And can we talk about my hatred of washing my hair during the summer...or any other season of the year... So, I have decided I need to put forth extra effort in getting dressed each day, and force myself to make plans to see friends. It's not that I don't want to see them, it's just my desire to get ready. Hashtag lazy.

    Strosie needs to get her groove back, or I'll end up eating all the gelato at Ingles. But the good thing is there will always be margaritas and the Wii. It's amazing the energy you exert in a sword fight.        

It's better to have loved.

    I have currently found myself back in the dating world very recently. It has been a crappy, sucky, confusing, and humbling last couple of weeks. Breaking apart from a relationship and separating yourself from someone that you formed a deep attachment to, someone that you grew to trust and form a bond with has caused me to shift gears and force me to look at things in a different perspective. Seeing someone move on in the next step of their life with me staying behind has been a difficult view to watch. However, because I forced myself to do the "adult" and put myself first has made me put my feelings, thoughts, fears, and love out in the open once again. The fear of them being rejected, accepted, or put to the side has caused my patience to be tried and my confidence to waiver. I learned some new things about myself in the past year. I learned that I could find happiness in a relationship again. I saw that with consistency, standards, and expectations one will either rise to the occasion or they will fail. I saw that someone can match my effort, even if it was just for a short amount of time. I was reminded (once again) for a relationship to truly work, it's going to take open communication, no guards, and abandoning all caution for the fear of being hurt.

      Through all this though, I have come to a few realizations and learned a couple things about myself. now that I am back to square one of dating.

1. I hate dating, I hate the dating world. I hate the dating game. I would rather be completely single and not have to worry about anyone but my dern self. OR I would rather be in a fully committed, monogamous relationship that has a purpose. I hate the meeting people, being set up because you are single, and the back and forth of waiting for the phone call or text message.
2. With #1 being written, maybe I am going to lay low for a while. I have been honest with myself and a couple people. I have put myself out there to be loved and now I must wait to see if I am going to be received, accepted, and loved in return. I know I will eventually, but for right now a girl must be patient and wait for the promises God has in store for her.
3. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I hung the moon. I want to be a constant priority. I want to be considered first in all decisions. I want to find my best friend.
4. This is going to sound crazy but-- I will know I have found "the one" when he does this one specific act for me. I haven't told anyone because I want the act to be done in a genuine effort. You may say, "Well, if you don't tell anyone, how will he know to do this act for you?' If who I am dating truly knows my heart, what makes me happy, and listens to me--he will find his way and do this one specific thing.

    I don't know what will happen next. I told a friend that going through a break-up during the summer can be a good thing because it's nothing that a little bit of water, sun, and cold drinks can't fix for a broken heart. But you know, if I hadn't had put myself out there, I wouldn't have made some great memories and met some great people. It's all part of finding yourself. Finding who you are to be with and finding your happy. It's going to require me putting myself back out there again, and I already have in little steps. With my heart guarded, I am slowly finding my way back to where I am supposed to be. I'll learn to trust again, I'll love again. But right now, I just need to live.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. -Maya Angelou

This is more than salmon and a pedicure can fix.

Summer is here. Thank you sweet baby Jesus. I love nothing more than sleeping in late. I love running around my yard for 6 to 7 hours at a time working and cleaning it up. I love to plop myself out by a pool (any friend will do) and lay there until the sun sets. I love the late nights on a porch with an evening thunderstorm rumbling in the distance. I love the beach trips that have been planned throughout the winter and the celebration of birthdays for some of my best friends. It's a time to replan my classroom, curriculum, and gear up for another year of third grade antics. It is definitely my happy place for the next 90 days. 

With that being said, several people have upped the anty on working out and doing whatever it takes to become ready for the summer. I know I have. Running in the mornings, barre class at night, random yoga stretches in my home, not to mention the sweat and pounds I drop from working in my yard, I too am trying to get it in gear. Along with the increased number of people trying to get that better body in two weeks before going to the beach- the SLEW of magazine covers about having a better body has flocked my Nook, iPad and mailbox. Excited to have some down time to catch up on my guilty pleasures of Us Weekly, Cosmo, Glamour, and Allure- I was disappointed to see images of "A Better Body!" "See how she lost 25 pounds in 3 months!" And my favorite: "A bikini for every body type! Your guide right here!" Thanks. Because Target has done a great job at letting me know that even their size L and XL bottoms may very well not cover my Colombian butt. Do you know how hard it is to find a matching 2-piece with two contrasting sizes? Plus I'm not one to wear a one piece. Just not me. 

I am content with my body. I have learned in the past year to wear clothes that make me feel good and confident. My hair is finally at the length I want it, and my skin has that summer glow that I have missed since October. I have lost some weight and I continue to work towards my goal. But in the meantime, I struggle with the now. Let me give you example. 

Have you ever stood in front of the mirror, naked, and dried your hair? Talk about staring at parts of your body that you don't normally see on a daily basis. With thick, long hair like mine, the drying process takes a good 10-15 minute. It gets hot and humid, especially with the summer heat lurking outside my window. The other day I was in a hurry and was hot. I couldn't stand to put a piece of clothing on at the moment because sweat was dripping off my boobs, down my legs, and my baby curls were curling up underneath on the back of my neck. As I dropped the towel to dry my hair, I noticed two huge red bite marks: one on my left boob, and one beside my belly button. I'm allergic to Mosquitos so I just brushed it off and continued to dry my hair. As I continued to stare at myself in the mirror, dry my hair and watch the strands of hair fall out (because I swear I don't have enough pores in my head to hold all my hair) I instantly became critical of myself. I started making mental note of the areas I want to improve. But those two huge red marks on my front just stood out. When I finished drying my hair (now looking like Simba's long lost African sister from the Lion King) I started looking at those imperfections a little bit more closely. Where the heck did those bad boys come from? Great. There is no way I can cover or hide them while in a bathing suit. Just another reminder that I do not have the flawless, glowing skin that we all want- no matter how much salmon or tuna I eat each week. I think movie stars have it injected in their skin, bathe in it, and snort I through their nose. 

Anyway, as I type this I look down at my poor pitiful bandaged scarred up feet. Not my most enduring trait, honestly and several can testify that. It's a running joke between my family and friends.  I wondered out loud earlier this week if I could get plastic surgery on my feet. But now as I look at my feet, I think to myself how they tell a story of me. These feet have suffered busted glass and splinters, several years moving me across a dance floor, running around a pool then scrapping them on the cement of my grandparents' pool as I hit the bottom from the water slide to push myself back to the surface; they have carried me on hundreds of miles around Dorman in the morning and afternoon runs, helped me move swiftly across my classroom floor when I cannot take another moment in wedges, found comfort in cowboy boots during the rainy days; my feet have splashed in a creek to dig up rocks and stones, stained by spray paint, burned from the bottom of a black driveway when I would run to the mailbox thinking it couldn't be THAT hot (always wrong); my feet have carried me out of places that I didn't think I would the energy to leave, helped me stand my ground when I needed to be honest, and has pushed me to move on.  So my feet wouldn't exactly be me if they were polished, plain, and pedicured all the time. I'm not saying my feet are a nasty Brittney-Spears-barefoot-in-a-gas-station kind. I would love pedicures but my level of being ticklish, the funds to do this, and my missing (achem) nail at the moment doesn't make it possible. So I am stuck with my God given feet that I try to make purdy with a tan and some fresh polish each week. 

It's hard to not compare yourself to others around you. Just recently I went a week or two without a Facebook profile picture. I hate taking pictures of myself and my other profile pictures were old- I was tired of my choices. And the thought of a #selfie just to have a profile picture seemed arrogant to me. No offense to my FB friends who take gorgeous selfies! You are my inspiration- I just can't. I finally bit the bullet and did one yesterday. Not my favorite but it will do. 

Finding your inner confidence and what makes you feel great can be challenging and we lose sight of it. We change and what used to make us feel good no longer does the trick. Or maybe it's circumstances or situations or even relationships that we are in cause us to falter and question our strengths and what we deserve. Sometimes I think it's more than just working out to feel good about yourself. Even the fittest and most gorgeous woman can have her confidence waiver. And I am not writing this for people to tell me I'm beautiful or compliment me so I can grab hold of some extra arrogance. I am writing this because I know all women deal with this same issue. Maybe you just had a baby. Maybe you're pregnant and you're watching your body change to grow something miraculous (my prayers are with you). Maybe you have gained some weight or maybe you feel like you're stuck in a rut. Maybe you're in a sucky relationship or maybe you haven't found yourself in a relationship since Obama took office and you feel like there is no end in sight because my good gosh when does his term end?!? The options are endless. So what do you do when you need that little boost? How are you maintaining sanity with bikinis hanging in our face, the newest weightloss fad blowing up your newsfeed, and you don't remember your shorts being that tight last summer? 

As for me, I'm just going to skip over how Beyoncé keeps her figure and another picture of JLo's abs and head towards the section of how to help my hair survive in humidity while I enjoy a glass of Prosecco, but not before I pin some more healthy recipes on Pinterest and just how to get those bat wings to be gone in 90 days. Cheers! 

You are imperfect, permnantly, and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful. {Amy Bloom}

I like you, but I love me.

    What a crazy last week or two has been. I knew when May hit, my social life would take a hit. With state testing out of the way and now planning on just what the heck I am going to do with my 21 sidekicks for the next three weeks in full swing, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. But I love it. I love that I know I have put another successful, crazy-fun third grade year behind me. I love that I can look forward to two and half months of lazy summer days of beach and lake trips. However, I hate that I will be having to say goodbye to some precious faces this year. I can't even think about that, honestly.

    With all the craziness that comes with teachers finishing up the school year, I forgot what it was like to be dating someone during this time. Last year, I was on my own so I just forged ahead. I would come home, not speak to anyone, pour a glass of wine and just veg out. Sounds kind of sad, pathetic, and lonely now that I think about it. BUT, at the end day--I just needed silence. A year later, I have a boyfriend that lives over 500 miles away who's schedule is completely opposite from mine and we have found ourselves in a rut. Conversations have come short and quick. The hour time difference has interrupted my sleep. The constant traveling has me keeping track of Newbie in my phone calendar and where he is each week. I find myself more irritable and Newbie has found himself--well-- not really sure where he is finding himself right now.

    It's hard to put someone else first when you are so used to just doing your own thing. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone that you care for but you haven't been in a true relationship in a long time-- you forget some things. For me, I focused so much on finding myself in the last year that I have become stubborn and set more in my ways. We find ourselves doing what is best for us, doing whatever we want to do and in the process we are hurting someone we truly care for in the process, without even really realizing it. I think this is the same for Newbie, too. I expect him to already know that on Wednesdays are the longest days of my life and that's when I need the most love and understanding. I expect him to know that May becomes a crazy time of year for me that comes with an irritable attitude when all I really want is just a unexpected surprise to put a pep in my step. I expect him to know that my silence doesn't mean I am angry but that I'm just too tired to really think or talk. (And now that I think about it, I think all those previous statements can be related to any teacher during this time of year. So, God bless husbands and boyfriends during this time. Hang on and just be the most kind, understanding, patient, and supportive man you can be! You will be greatly rewarded for your honest efforts...wink wink)

     Anyway, back on topic. I think there are some things that Newbie has come to expect of me. He expects me to be ok when we go all day without talking until that night because our schedules conflict. I've learned a round of golf means silence for six hours straight. My loathe of needy men that constantly text and call has turned into, "Well, I'll just call her later on tonight if I don't fall asleep...I'll text her when I get out of this meeting, three hours later."  Like I tell Newbie: it's his world and we all just live in it. So, we have been learning how to give and take in a relationship where we are not sure how else to give full effort without compromising who we are as a person and without hurting the other. I like you a lot, but I love me more so at what point do I say enough is enough? Priorities. I guess the big question has been lately, "What else is there to do to keep this long distance relationship going?" I feel like we have exhausted texts and snapchat to death. Newbie kept repeating over and over, "I'm not there to take you to dinner. I'm not there to take you to get coffee or take you out for the night." And, no he's not. But I guess that's where one just has to get creative. Thankfully I don't mind being the third wheel with my married friends so I just tag along. But those dates and nights are missed and unfortunately, there just isn't anything to do about it.

    I'm not a quitter. I'm actually the opposite. People have told me to stop fighting because the fight is over and I'm just throwing empty punches. It's like that image of that kid that is fighting and the parent just wraps his/her arms around their child until they finally stop swinging and just sink to the floor. Ok, well that was maybe a little too dramatic but you get my point. I'm not walking away from something that had great potential and still does. But I am trying to find my stand for myself and for Newbie. More effort needs to be put in on one side and less effort on the other--the common balance. Along with that--communication. Something that most men do not want to do and what most women suck at doing because we think men can read our minds. If anything, I have become more honest and have learned to speak up instead of harboring resentment in my heart.

   What have I learned from all of this? To be patient. Keep my head high. Be honest but speak with love. Try to speak positivity into the relationship. Stay guarded. Continue to love me and what is to be--will eventually...be.

Just another reason to love fall.

Most people do Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday. Let's call today "Memory Monday!" Below is a picture of me and Val the night Lauren went into labor.Val is one of my last "babyless" friends that has been to my go to let's-get-Jean-Icees pool girl and spontaneous drinks after a grueling day of third grade teaching. Her husband, Tony, has been a close friend since high school that I love like a brother and I get treated like the little sister. Last October we were out one night and I had a prediction for Val and Tony: they would be pregnant in the spring of 2014. All my friends laughed and told me to shove it because they were growing tired of my baby predictions (and may I say for the record, I have been correct with each one). Tony and Val laughed and said, "No. Maybe but seriously doubt it." In the back of my mind I thought, "Just wait. I'm calling it now!"

 As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.

 

 

Fast forward to about a month or so ago. Val had texted and suggested we grab lunch one Saturday. I immediately called her up and said, "Cribbs. Poor Educators Saturday. Bottomless Mimosas. We're going." (3 Saturdays out of the month, you can find me at Cribbs in a corner booth between 11-2--never miss an opportunity for bottomless mimosas). When Val arrived, she had a bottle of Peach Moscato--a rarity to find. She claimed Tony found it at the store the other day and bought me a bottle. On the back I noticed a piece of paper taped to it. I asked, "Where you find this? At the half priced liquor discount store?" As I ripped off the paper, there was a picture of her ultrasound (side note: is it bad that a friend announced her pregnancy to me with wine?). I immediately burst into tears--and shocked I didn't drop the bottle. I quickly reassured Val they were tears of joy and not of sadness (refer back to my post when four friends had a baby within months of one another). She hugged me and we stood there in my kitchen and cried. I cried because here were two of my best friends-about to bless me with being a "hot aunt"...again--but at the same time, another change and added blessing to our little group of friends. Val explained to me that she had to tell me before going to Cribbs because she knew I would call her out on not having a mimosa (I'm not that big of a nagger-promise).

 

I continued to ask the usual questions-"How far along are you? How is Tony taking it? How are you feeling? Who else knows? When is your due date?" When she told me how far along she was, I realized that "the night" was in February some time. Val made the comment, "When I peed on that stick and it was positive- I thought of you, Jess." Uh. Awkward. Why? The night Lo was in labor, Val had gone to the doctor earlier that day and her options for getting pregnant. I didn't know this. The doctor had told her that her best bet for getting pregnant would either be that night or in the next few nights. Then, when I made the comment about her making a baby that night--she said I called it and was right. Of course I was! Good gracious I am amazingly good.

 

So, here's my congrats to Val and Tony! I am so excited for you two! I can't wait to see what a southern blonde hair and a Italian bambino baby looks like!

 

 A friend told me the other day, "You know Jess, every time I see one of your friends get married or is have a baby, I just think of you and how supportive you are...and...well, I kind of feel bad for you." Don't feel bad for me. When I told Newbie about Val and Tony, he asked if I was ok. Believe me, I am enjoying these moments. Seeing the light in their eyes and the glow that comes from my friends as they hold their child and kiss them goodnight--you can't take that way. Watching my friends love more intense and so much more immensely for such a tiny person gives me hope and I can't help but think to myself, "I cannot wait until my friends can see that in my eyes and soul..."

 

(in five years, at least.)