I like you, but I love me.

    What a crazy last week or two has been. I knew when May hit, my social life would take a hit. With state testing out of the way and now planning on just what the heck I am going to do with my 21 sidekicks for the next three weeks in full swing, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. But I love it. I love that I know I have put another successful, crazy-fun third grade year behind me. I love that I can look forward to two and half months of lazy summer days of beach and lake trips. However, I hate that I will be having to say goodbye to some precious faces this year. I can't even think about that, honestly.

    With all the craziness that comes with teachers finishing up the school year, I forgot what it was like to be dating someone during this time. Last year, I was on my own so I just forged ahead. I would come home, not speak to anyone, pour a glass of wine and just veg out. Sounds kind of sad, pathetic, and lonely now that I think about it. BUT, at the end day--I just needed silence. A year later, I have a boyfriend that lives over 500 miles away who's schedule is completely opposite from mine and we have found ourselves in a rut. Conversations have come short and quick. The hour time difference has interrupted my sleep. The constant traveling has me keeping track of Newbie in my phone calendar and where he is each week. I find myself more irritable and Newbie has found himself--well-- not really sure where he is finding himself right now.

    It's hard to put someone else first when you are so used to just doing your own thing. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone that you care for but you haven't been in a true relationship in a long time-- you forget some things. For me, I focused so much on finding myself in the last year that I have become stubborn and set more in my ways. We find ourselves doing what is best for us, doing whatever we want to do and in the process we are hurting someone we truly care for in the process, without even really realizing it. I think this is the same for Newbie, too. I expect him to already know that on Wednesdays are the longest days of my life and that's when I need the most love and understanding. I expect him to know that May becomes a crazy time of year for me that comes with an irritable attitude when all I really want is just a unexpected surprise to put a pep in my step. I expect him to know that my silence doesn't mean I am angry but that I'm just too tired to really think or talk. (And now that I think about it, I think all those previous statements can be related to any teacher during this time of year. So, God bless husbands and boyfriends during this time. Hang on and just be the most kind, understanding, patient, and supportive man you can be! You will be greatly rewarded for your honest efforts...wink wink)

     Anyway, back on topic. I think there are some things that Newbie has come to expect of me. He expects me to be ok when we go all day without talking until that night because our schedules conflict. I've learned a round of golf means silence for six hours straight. My loathe of needy men that constantly text and call has turned into, "Well, I'll just call her later on tonight if I don't fall asleep...I'll text her when I get out of this meeting, three hours later."  Like I tell Newbie: it's his world and we all just live in it. So, we have been learning how to give and take in a relationship where we are not sure how else to give full effort without compromising who we are as a person and without hurting the other. I like you a lot, but I love me more so at what point do I say enough is enough? Priorities. I guess the big question has been lately, "What else is there to do to keep this long distance relationship going?" I feel like we have exhausted texts and snapchat to death. Newbie kept repeating over and over, "I'm not there to take you to dinner. I'm not there to take you to get coffee or take you out for the night." And, no he's not. But I guess that's where one just has to get creative. Thankfully I don't mind being the third wheel with my married friends so I just tag along. But those dates and nights are missed and unfortunately, there just isn't anything to do about it.

    I'm not a quitter. I'm actually the opposite. People have told me to stop fighting because the fight is over and I'm just throwing empty punches. It's like that image of that kid that is fighting and the parent just wraps his/her arms around their child until they finally stop swinging and just sink to the floor. Ok, well that was maybe a little too dramatic but you get my point. I'm not walking away from something that had great potential and still does. But I am trying to find my stand for myself and for Newbie. More effort needs to be put in on one side and less effort on the other--the common balance. Along with that--communication. Something that most men do not want to do and what most women suck at doing because we think men can read our minds. If anything, I have become more honest and have learned to speak up instead of harboring resentment in my heart.

   What have I learned from all of this? To be patient. Keep my head high. Be honest but speak with love. Try to speak positivity into the relationship. Stay guarded. Continue to love me and what is to be--will eventually...be.