It's better to have loved.

    I have currently found myself back in the dating world very recently. It has been a crappy, sucky, confusing, and humbling last couple of weeks. Breaking apart from a relationship and separating yourself from someone that you formed a deep attachment to, someone that you grew to trust and form a bond with has caused me to shift gears and force me to look at things in a different perspective. Seeing someone move on in the next step of their life with me staying behind has been a difficult view to watch. However, because I forced myself to do the "adult" and put myself first has made me put my feelings, thoughts, fears, and love out in the open once again. The fear of them being rejected, accepted, or put to the side has caused my patience to be tried and my confidence to waiver. I learned some new things about myself in the past year. I learned that I could find happiness in a relationship again. I saw that with consistency, standards, and expectations one will either rise to the occasion or they will fail. I saw that someone can match my effort, even if it was just for a short amount of time. I was reminded (once again) for a relationship to truly work, it's going to take open communication, no guards, and abandoning all caution for the fear of being hurt.

      Through all this though, I have come to a few realizations and learned a couple things about myself. now that I am back to square one of dating.

1. I hate dating, I hate the dating world. I hate the dating game. I would rather be completely single and not have to worry about anyone but my dern self. OR I would rather be in a fully committed, monogamous relationship that has a purpose. I hate the meeting people, being set up because you are single, and the back and forth of waiting for the phone call or text message.
2. With #1 being written, maybe I am going to lay low for a while. I have been honest with myself and a couple people. I have put myself out there to be loved and now I must wait to see if I am going to be received, accepted, and loved in return. I know I will eventually, but for right now a girl must be patient and wait for the promises God has in store for her.
3. I deserve to be with someone who thinks I hung the moon. I want to be a constant priority. I want to be considered first in all decisions. I want to find my best friend.
4. This is going to sound crazy but-- I will know I have found "the one" when he does this one specific act for me. I haven't told anyone because I want the act to be done in a genuine effort. You may say, "Well, if you don't tell anyone, how will he know to do this act for you?' If who I am dating truly knows my heart, what makes me happy, and listens to me--he will find his way and do this one specific thing.

    I don't know what will happen next. I told a friend that going through a break-up during the summer can be a good thing because it's nothing that a little bit of water, sun, and cold drinks can't fix for a broken heart. But you know, if I hadn't had put myself out there, I wouldn't have made some great memories and met some great people. It's all part of finding yourself. Finding who you are to be with and finding your happy. It's going to require me putting myself back out there again, and I already have in little steps. With my heart guarded, I am slowly finding my way back to where I am supposed to be. I'll learn to trust again, I'll love again. But right now, I just need to live.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. -Maya Angelou