What a crazy last week or two has been. I knew when May hit, my social life would take a hit. With state testing out of the way and now planning on just what the heck I am going to do with my 21 sidekicks for the next three weeks in full swing, I don't know which way is up and which way is down. But I love it. I love that I know I have put another successful, crazy-fun third grade year behind me. I love that I can look forward to two and half months of lazy summer days of beach and lake trips. However, I hate that I will be having to say goodbye to some precious faces this year. I can't even think about that, honestly.
With all the craziness that comes with teachers finishing up the school year, I forgot what it was like to be dating someone during this time. Last year, I was on my own so I just forged ahead. I would come home, not speak to anyone, pour a glass of wine and just veg out. Sounds kind of sad, pathetic, and lonely now that I think about it. BUT, at the end day--I just needed silence. A year later, I have a boyfriend that lives over 500 miles away who's schedule is completely opposite from mine and we have found ourselves in a rut. Conversations have come short and quick. The hour time difference has interrupted my sleep. The constant traveling has me keeping track of Newbie in my phone calendar and where he is each week. I find myself more irritable and Newbie has found himself--well-- not really sure where he is finding himself right now.
It's hard to put someone else first when you are so used to just doing your own thing. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone that you care for but you haven't been in a true relationship in a long time-- you forget some things. For me, I focused so much on finding myself in the last year that I have become stubborn and set more in my ways. We find ourselves doing what is best for us, doing whatever we want to do and in the process we are hurting someone we truly care for in the process, without even really realizing it. I think this is the same for Newbie, too. I expect him to already know that on Wednesdays are the longest days of my life and that's when I need the most love and understanding. I expect him to know that May becomes a crazy time of year for me that comes with an irritable attitude when all I really want is just a unexpected surprise to put a pep in my step. I expect him to know that my silence doesn't mean I am angry but that I'm just too tired to really think or talk. (And now that I think about it, I think all those previous statements can be related to any teacher during this time of year. So, God bless husbands and boyfriends during this time. Hang on and just be the most kind, understanding, patient, and supportive man you can be! You will be greatly rewarded for your honest efforts...wink wink)
Anyway, back on topic. I think there are some things that Newbie has come to expect of me. He expects me to be ok when we go all day without talking until that night because our schedules conflict. I've learned a round of golf means silence for six hours straight. My loathe of needy men that constantly text and call has turned into, "Well, I'll just call her later on tonight if I don't fall asleep...I'll text her when I get out of this meeting, three hours later." Like I tell Newbie: it's his world and we all just live in it. So, we have been learning how to give and take in a relationship where we are not sure how else to give full effort without compromising who we are as a person and without hurting the other. I like you a lot, but I love me more so at what point do I say enough is enough? Priorities. I guess the big question has been lately, "What else is there to do to keep this long distance relationship going?" I feel like we have exhausted texts and snapchat to death. Newbie kept repeating over and over, "I'm not there to take you to dinner. I'm not there to take you to get coffee or take you out for the night." And, no he's not. But I guess that's where one just has to get creative. Thankfully I don't mind being the third wheel with my married friends so I just tag along. But those dates and nights are missed and unfortunately, there just isn't anything to do about it.
I'm not a quitter. I'm actually the opposite. People have told me to stop fighting because the fight is over and I'm just throwing empty punches. It's like that image of that kid that is fighting and the parent just wraps his/her arms around their child until they finally stop swinging and just sink to the floor. Ok, well that was maybe a little too dramatic but you get my point. I'm not walking away from something that had great potential and still does. But I am trying to find my stand for myself and for Newbie. More effort needs to be put in on one side and less effort on the other--the common balance. Along with that--communication. Something that most men do not want to do and what most women suck at doing because we think men can read our minds. If anything, I have become more honest and have learned to speak up instead of harboring resentment in my heart.
What have I learned from all of this? To be patient. Keep my head high. Be honest but speak with love. Try to speak positivity into the relationship. Stay guarded. Continue to love me and what is to be--will eventually...be.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Just another reason to love fall.
Most people do Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday. Let's call today "Memory Monday!" Below is a picture of me and Val the night Lauren went into labor.Val is one of my last "babyless" friends that has been to my go to let's-get-Jean-Icees pool girl and spontaneous drinks after a grueling day of third grade teaching. Her husband, Tony, has been a close friend since high school that I love like a brother and I get treated like the little sister. Last October we were out one night and I had a prediction for Val and Tony: they would be pregnant in the spring of 2014. All my friends laughed and told me to shove it because they were growing tired of my baby predictions (and may I say for the record, I have been correct with each one). Tony and Val laughed and said, "No. Maybe but seriously doubt it." In the back of my mind I thought, "Just wait. I'm calling it now!"
As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.
As we were sitting at the hospital, killing time, waiting for little Eveen to arrive, we were talking and catching up (it's not very often I have Val in one place for extended hours of time during the school year--she tends to disappear). As I was looking through a pregnancy magazine and talking about Lo's pregnancy and being in labor, I jokingly turned to Val and said, "You're gonna make a baby tonight, I bet." She laughed and said, "No away. I'm exhausted." The subject was changed and I never gave it another thought.
Fast forward to about a month or so ago. Val had texted and suggested we grab lunch one Saturday. I immediately called her up and said, "Cribbs. Poor Educators Saturday. Bottomless Mimosas. We're going." (3 Saturdays out of the month, you can find me at Cribbs in a corner booth between 11-2--never miss an opportunity for bottomless mimosas). When Val arrived, she had a bottle of Peach Moscato--a rarity to find. She claimed Tony found it at the store the other day and bought me a bottle. On the back I noticed a piece of paper taped to it. I asked, "Where you find this? At the half priced liquor discount store?" As I ripped off the paper, there was a picture of her ultrasound (side note: is it bad that a friend announced her pregnancy to me with wine?). I immediately burst into tears--and shocked I didn't drop the bottle. I quickly reassured Val they were tears of joy and not of sadness (refer back to my post when four friends had a baby within months of one another). She hugged me and we stood there in my kitchen and cried. I cried because here were two of my best friends-about to bless me with being a "hot aunt"...again--but at the same time, another change and added blessing to our little group of friends. Val explained to me that she had to tell me before going to Cribbs because she knew I would call her out on not having a mimosa (I'm not that big of a nagger-promise).
I continued to ask the usual questions-"How far along are you? How is Tony taking it? How are you feeling? Who else knows? When is your due date?" When she told me how far along she was, I realized that "the night" was in February some time. Val made the comment, "When I peed on that stick and it was positive- I thought of you, Jess." Uh. Awkward. Why? The night Lo was in labor, Val had gone to the doctor earlier that day and her options for getting pregnant. I didn't know this. The doctor had told her that her best bet for getting pregnant would either be that night or in the next few nights. Then, when I made the comment about her making a baby that night--she said I called it and was right. Of course I was! Good gracious I am amazingly good.
So, here's my congrats to Val and Tony! I am so excited for you two! I can't wait to see what a southern blonde hair and a Italian bambino baby looks like!
A friend told me the other day, "You know Jess, every time I see one of your friends get married or is have a baby, I just think of you and how supportive you are...and...well, I kind of feel bad for you." Don't feel bad for me. When I told Newbie about Val and Tony, he asked if I was ok. Believe me, I am enjoying these moments. Seeing the light in their eyes and the glow that comes from my friends as they hold their child and kiss them goodnight--you can't take that way. Watching my friends love more intense and so much more immensely for such a tiny person gives me hope and I can't help but think to myself, "I cannot wait until my friends can see that in my eyes and soul..."
(in five years, at least.)
Monday, April 14, 2014
YOLO! Or, maybe not?
It's been a while since I have blogged. I can't really say I've been busy. Nothing just hasn't really hit me lately. That is, until two friends of mine lost their father unexpectedly.
When I received the news the two different times that my friends' fathers had passed away, I got a sickening pit in my stomach. My first thought was, "My God, this cannot be happening." My second thought is, "I need to be with them. What can I do?" My final thought was, "This is not going to be easy." Anytime someone passes away, you are left with the "What can I do or say?" syndrome. This past winter, Newbie's step-grandfather passed away and he kept saying, "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't like going to funerals." To which I replied, "No one actually enjoys these things. But, the only thing you can do is just to be present when needed and give love. Don't try to make it up with words."
And I think what made it the hardest was seeing my friends, who are normally such strong willed women who never cry, break in such a fragile moment. Normally it is I who throws the tantrums or the fits with them consoling me and bringing me back to level ground. With them, they weren't throwing fits. They were missing their daddy--the one who was the first man they ever loved, made them laugh, and taught them to love beach music and NASCAR racing. I can't bring their father back to their world, nor can anyone replace their father. So what do we do? We grieve for a while. We dwell in memories, stories, and songs of those that have passed. But, with all that going on-we continue living life. We slowly pick ourselves up off the floor, regain some sort of normalcy and look onward. Sometimes it's your family that forces you moving on, knowing they need you. It may be your work that you throw yourself into. But whatever it is, you grab a hold on to this sacred piece and you keep going.
Earlier today, I was talking to one of my friends that just lost her dad a few weeks ago. As we were texting, she made the comment how she hates seeing her FB filled with people complaining about spending time with their family, having to be somewhere they don't want to be, or finding minor things to complain about in their life. Then she wrote, "I would give anything up to have to go to dinner with my dad." Tears instantly welled up in my eyes (and now as I type this). How many of us have had opportunity to spend time with someone and we had a hard heart about it? Or maybe, we just didn't make that person a priority because we think, "Oh, we'll just go to dinner next Tuesday instead...I'll call her Saturday when I actually have time to talk to her." We get so caught up in our own world that we put those that we love on the back burner, thinking they will always be there. We compromise our time with this person--maybe to spend some time with someone else, to just be alone, or rather we just don't want to do whatever we are supposed to do, probably for selfish reasons.
I believe this to be true especially in relationships. It is human nature to be selfish and to look out for your own personal best interests, which isn't necessarily a horrible character trait because I believe sometimes you just have to do what is best for you. But in a relationship, you have to commit to put your other half first a lot of the times. See what their needs are and meet them. Maybe it's just a little bit more communication. Maybe it is doing a kind act for that person. Maybe it's just a simple act of listening. You make time for that person because the truth of the matter is, if you really want to be with that person--you will make an honest true to God effort to connect with him/her--and do it with a grateful heart. You make time for who you want to be with (and I think I have written this before...several times). And I use the word connect because right now, for me, seeing my other half isn't really possible at the moment. So, our connecting and making each other priority has resulted to text messages through out the day, SnapChats, and phone calls before bed to debrief about our day. Do we always get to have decent conversations about what is going on? No, not every day. But we try to at least touch base in the morning and evening. And if that doesn't happen, then some re-direction and a new game plan takes place. I would say that we always have tomorrow, but we don't.
So, I guess my final thought for tonight is, "Who are you making a priority? What are you making a priority in your life?" It may be a job. It may be school. It may be a hobby. Hopefully it's your family and those that you really care for on a daily basis. This past Sunday, Perry Noble, pastor of NewSpring church made the following statement (or at least along these lines because I can't find my random scrap note paper, dang it): When you put someone or something first, it is obviously the most important thing in your life at that moment. I think a major part of this problem is that society tells that it's ok if you don't want to do something or see someone. The morality of putting others first, staying in touch and building those relationships has gone to pot with technology. Yes, a quick scroll through Facebook will leave you thinking, "Oh! Another baby!...Wedding bells, again!...Oh, girl--hit the gym...Oh what an idiotic comment to make." A quick comment or like can suffice but it can't be everything. Maybe we need to take a moment and figure out what we are placing first--are we spending precious moments with people that we truly care about? We need those moments with friends and family. Just recently, my three best friends and I decided to up our girls night out from once a month to every other week. We realized that we need each other more than ever--all four of us are at four total different points in our life but we balance each other out. So, setting GNO dates in advance holds us accountable to see one another and it gives us something to look forward to at the end of each week.
Earlier today, I joked with my friend, "YOLO!" and I absolutely HATE that statement. Nothing makes that statement have such a negative connotation when someone you know personally passes away unexpectedly. And we are left reevaluating our own lives, making ourselves feel inadequate because we aren't doing something out of the ordinary- it reminds us that maybe we aren't living these extraordinary, exciting life. But actually you are. Yes, you live only once but don't be reckless with what you have--don't take those around you for granted. Love on them. Talk to them. Be with them. Because at the end of the day, you can't live in the shadow of past regrets or you'll die each time.
When I received the news the two different times that my friends' fathers had passed away, I got a sickening pit in my stomach. My first thought was, "My God, this cannot be happening." My second thought is, "I need to be with them. What can I do?" My final thought was, "This is not going to be easy." Anytime someone passes away, you are left with the "What can I do or say?" syndrome. This past winter, Newbie's step-grandfather passed away and he kept saying, "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't like going to funerals." To which I replied, "No one actually enjoys these things. But, the only thing you can do is just to be present when needed and give love. Don't try to make it up with words."
And I think what made it the hardest was seeing my friends, who are normally such strong willed women who never cry, break in such a fragile moment. Normally it is I who throws the tantrums or the fits with them consoling me and bringing me back to level ground. With them, they weren't throwing fits. They were missing their daddy--the one who was the first man they ever loved, made them laugh, and taught them to love beach music and NASCAR racing. I can't bring their father back to their world, nor can anyone replace their father. So what do we do? We grieve for a while. We dwell in memories, stories, and songs of those that have passed. But, with all that going on-we continue living life. We slowly pick ourselves up off the floor, regain some sort of normalcy and look onward. Sometimes it's your family that forces you moving on, knowing they need you. It may be your work that you throw yourself into. But whatever it is, you grab a hold on to this sacred piece and you keep going.
Earlier today, I was talking to one of my friends that just lost her dad a few weeks ago. As we were texting, she made the comment how she hates seeing her FB filled with people complaining about spending time with their family, having to be somewhere they don't want to be, or finding minor things to complain about in their life. Then she wrote, "I would give anything up to have to go to dinner with my dad." Tears instantly welled up in my eyes (and now as I type this). How many of us have had opportunity to spend time with someone and we had a hard heart about it? Or maybe, we just didn't make that person a priority because we think, "Oh, we'll just go to dinner next Tuesday instead...I'll call her Saturday when I actually have time to talk to her." We get so caught up in our own world that we put those that we love on the back burner, thinking they will always be there. We compromise our time with this person--maybe to spend some time with someone else, to just be alone, or rather we just don't want to do whatever we are supposed to do, probably for selfish reasons.
I believe this to be true especially in relationships. It is human nature to be selfish and to look out for your own personal best interests, which isn't necessarily a horrible character trait because I believe sometimes you just have to do what is best for you. But in a relationship, you have to commit to put your other half first a lot of the times. See what their needs are and meet them. Maybe it's just a little bit more communication. Maybe it is doing a kind act for that person. Maybe it's just a simple act of listening. You make time for that person because the truth of the matter is, if you really want to be with that person--you will make an honest true to God effort to connect with him/her--and do it with a grateful heart. You make time for who you want to be with (and I think I have written this before...several times). And I use the word connect because right now, for me, seeing my other half isn't really possible at the moment. So, our connecting and making each other priority has resulted to text messages through out the day, SnapChats, and phone calls before bed to debrief about our day. Do we always get to have decent conversations about what is going on? No, not every day. But we try to at least touch base in the morning and evening. And if that doesn't happen, then some re-direction and a new game plan takes place. I would say that we always have tomorrow, but we don't.
So, I guess my final thought for tonight is, "Who are you making a priority? What are you making a priority in your life?" It may be a job. It may be school. It may be a hobby. Hopefully it's your family and those that you really care for on a daily basis. This past Sunday, Perry Noble, pastor of NewSpring church made the following statement (or at least along these lines because I can't find my random scrap note paper, dang it): When you put someone or something first, it is obviously the most important thing in your life at that moment. I think a major part of this problem is that society tells that it's ok if you don't want to do something or see someone. The morality of putting others first, staying in touch and building those relationships has gone to pot with technology. Yes, a quick scroll through Facebook will leave you thinking, "Oh! Another baby!...Wedding bells, again!...Oh, girl--hit the gym...Oh what an idiotic comment to make." A quick comment or like can suffice but it can't be everything. Maybe we need to take a moment and figure out what we are placing first--are we spending precious moments with people that we truly care about? We need those moments with friends and family. Just recently, my three best friends and I decided to up our girls night out from once a month to every other week. We realized that we need each other more than ever--all four of us are at four total different points in our life but we balance each other out. So, setting GNO dates in advance holds us accountable to see one another and it gives us something to look forward to at the end of each week.
Earlier today, I joked with my friend, "YOLO!" and I absolutely HATE that statement. Nothing makes that statement have such a negative connotation when someone you know personally passes away unexpectedly. And we are left reevaluating our own lives, making ourselves feel inadequate because we aren't doing something out of the ordinary- it reminds us that maybe we aren't living these extraordinary, exciting life. But actually you are. Yes, you live only once but don't be reckless with what you have--don't take those around you for granted. Love on them. Talk to them. Be with them. Because at the end of the day, you can't live in the shadow of past regrets or you'll die each time.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
It's over.
Two words that can turn any one's world upside down in so many contexts. It can mean that the life storm has passed and calm waters are ahead. It can mean that a event is done and you sadly missed the whole show. It can be said in the meaning that the week is done-- and it's the weekend! Or, that the weekend is over. So sad.
Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.
Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.
Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.
Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.
When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.
At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.
Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.
In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?
I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)
So, what are we to do? Of course, we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?
Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.
When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.
At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.
Or it can mean that a relationship is over between two people. Just thinking that about those two words brings back hurt and feelings that you can never get past.
Tonight, though, my thought isn't about moving past a broken relationship or moving on. I have been thinking about how when you hear those words, what is your immediate action? Do you accept defeat? Do you come to peace with it, knowing that in your heart it just wasn't right or meant to be? Does it become just a little bit of both? Maybe you strut your crazy on the front porch and let everyone know that you are now the official crazy ex-girlfriend.
Tonight, I spoke to my college best friend. She was head over heels for the guy she was seeing. They met at the end of the summer and the relationship progressed so quickly. The "L" word was said, the "M" word was talked about, and the idea of her moving to be closer to him over the summer was very real. Last week, I spoke to her and she made the comment that things didn't just seem right. Girls get those feelings. Sometimes it's just paranoia but other times there is a true reason to feel that way. Side note: the last few times I have felt this way, it wasn't paranoia. There was always something lurking around the corner that soon revealed itself and brought hidden situations to light. Anyways, moving on--she met up with her beau the next day because she was in town for an appointment. After a few awkward moments, he dropped the bombshell on her: It's over.
Actually, he said, "I think we need to break up for the next three months until I graduate." That comment in itself flew all over me. I'll get to that in a minute.
When I asked how she was doing with this ending so suddenly, her reply was, "I'm ok. I'm totally at peace with this because deep down I knew it wasn't right if I was completely honest with myself." Yeah, it hurt like mad. The next day included several tears. But, she said that peace that soon settled in her heart was what took the pain all away.
At what point do we just accept that a relationship isn't the one for us? If we know that relationship isn't the one, how you handle it? Do you rip it off like a Band-Aid and deal with the immediate burn of hurting someone you care for or even hurting yourself? Or do you slowly peel it off hoping that it doesn't end too badly and you have lessened the burn for the both of you--letting the other one down gently? You get the end result. A wound is exposed that is left to breathe some fresh air so that it can heal.
Sometimes it's hard to look inward and be completely honest. Why it is the hardest to be honest with ourselves? Probably because we know what we will see and it's not what we want to see. We may want something for that moment but that doesn't necessarily mean its the best for us.
In the end, my friend realized she had settled for what was best for her. While some of her desires were being met, her most important wants and needs in a man were falling short. I'm definitely guilty of that. Compromising what I want in a man just so I don't have to feel the loneliness. Any man can kiss my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. But at the end of the day, has he touched my soul?
I was reading tonight about why some women are so impatient and how we typically settle for what we deserve. I'm not even really talking about seeking to find someone to marry. But, someone to date. Someone to spend time with on the weekends. Someone to build a friendship that may develop into a relationship that may, God willing, lead to marriage. Women fear that we are going to miss out on some of life's greatest joys: marriage, kids, traveling with your love, having someone to come home to each night. Fear creeps in and soon has us doubting our true self worth all over the place. I especially start to doubt myself as a confident woman and if I am truly worth the fight. And can we just talk about the external pressure from society? If you are not married by the age of 35, your odds of getting married drop to 5%. If you're 40, you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist. True stats. Research it. However, on the flip side, if I wait until after I am thirty, I have only an 8% chance of going through a divorce. It's a statistical battle being a woman approaching 30! (I'm not even worried about the getting pregnant part-- I'm currently seeking out friends that have had multiple kids that want to have my kids for me. They seem to be pretty good at it.)
So, what are we to do? Of course, we need to be completely honest with who we want as a potential forever love. I used to be the queen of making lists of standards I wanted in a husband. I still have little check marks and notches in my mind. Somewhere, in a deep old journal I am sure that list is still there. Is it bad to have a checklist? I think not. I think if you pray over that list and ask God to help you truly reveal one who would be best suited for you, then that is perfectly fine. The Bible says that if the Lord will give us the desires of heart if we pray. However, the Bible also says that no man should come before him--and this means searching for a forever love. My cousin has a specific standard of a Godly man that she wants. If you were to ask her right now, she could tell you point by point and reason for what she is searching in a man. I think she's more specific than I am. She text me the other day and said, "Do you not have any attractive, single, Godly, athletic men you can introduce me to?" I told her, "Are you kidding me? I was going to move to Florida in hopes to try a different fishing pond!" It is frustrating. We live in a society where standards and morals have flipped. There seems to be a shortage of men. Especially a shortage of commendable men. We have to look for specific qualities in a potential forever love while dating. If they aren't there while dating, what makes us think that these qualities will shine through in a marriage or in a future?
Also, when a relationship ends we have to know that God has all things that work together for His good and our good. We have to trust that. A common prayer that I pray daily is that for God to slam the door shut in this relationship if it is not for me or for Him. I also add that if He does this, He needs to make it harder to pry open than a bottle of nail polish that hasn't been opened since last summer. I want God to remove anything that doesn't bring me good and positive to my life But I also know I tend to give chances that I shouldn't. If it's closed and locked, then I can't try to go back and open that specific door again. If I get a feeling that something isn't right, I pray that if it's the enemy that it would be removed from my mind. If it isn't the enemy, then I pray that God would open my eyes to the truth and help me see what needs to be seen. Which, of course, always leads back to being honest with yourself, and your mate being honest with you.
When my friend told me that her ex said he wanted to date after graduation, I immediately punched my steering wheel. Once again, the male brain spits out an excuse to a female, thinking it looks like a perfectly good piece of white toilet paper but in the end it just has crap smeared all over it. The best thing he could have told my friend was, "I'm sorry. I just cannot do this anymore. The relationship is over." When I asked her what his reasoning was for wanting to wait to date til after graduation, she said that his school schedule (he's in med school) and graduation and trying to find a job was overwhelming, plus trying to make her happy. My immediate response was, "Oh, so you were a burden to him? That's comforting to know." Girls. If a guy makes you feel like you are burden or not up on the importance notch, YOU need to back away, or let him know. Yes, there are times when you have to step back and take the back burner because life happens. But, in the end, he should want you there to go through those moments with him. If he cannot handle the pressures of a new job or a change in his life with you by his side, then he doesn't deserve to have you by his side. Those are moments when you rely on one another to push forward. You see how committed you are to push through those crappy, stressful moments. At the same time, he should let you know that he APPRECIATES you for being there. Plus, anyway, this guy knew that this time would be hard at the end of his school career. He shouldn't have entered into a relationship knowing this type of stress was coming. Sigh...thinking with the wrong head. Again.
At the end of the day, my friend knew the relationship wasn't right. Some new revelations were brought to light that she wants to see in a forever love. She also learned some things about herself. In the end, it has made me question and re-evaluate some things on my world. So, when you hear it's over, accept it. So, maybe your odds of being killed by a terrorist increased a little? It's better to hear those words now. Like I always say, we (single girls) are just lowering the divorce rate with one bad date/dating relationship at a time.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Detox took me down.
If you have spoken with me in the last few days or have checked out my Instagram, then you probably saw that I have started a cleanse/detox. Currently, Newbie and I have a bet to see who can lose 10 pounds first. Whoever does wins $20. I know what you're probably thinking: "Oh, so you're doing this for him? You need to do this for yourself, Jess." Believe me, I am. But when Newbie challenges me, I never turn it down. This time, however, I am determined to win me $20 and lose 10 pounds in the midst of it before bikini season. I told him I didn't want to be at the beach and he say, "Babe. You need to cover up."
So, what has been my plan of attack?
Of course, Pinterest came to rescue. After searching through some detox/cleanse plans, I found one that would be fairly easy to follow.
Seems simple right? Nothing too crazy or that involves some nasty, random juicing and tons of protein shakes. On top of this cleanse, I decided to cut out all coffee and alcohol. I thought the alcohol would be hard. Wrong- and let me tell you why.
I was all excited about Day 1, which was on Saturday. I got up early and went to bootcamp at The Mill. Of course, I almost threw up three times. I was reminded of how bad my endurance has gotten. However, it was so nice to see people who have been doing this boot camp for two months sweating and dying as much as I was that morning. On the way home, I treated myself to a strawberry banana smoothie. I know- I wasn't supposed to have bananas today but I couldn't help myself at Bella. I then went to the grocery store and stocked up on some apples, Cuties, watermelon, cantaloupe, etc. I thought, I can do this! Who doesn't love fruit?
It was so bad that when we got back to Spartanburg, Hallie had to drive me home in Candice's car with Candice driving my car home. I crawled into bed and passed out around 6. I didn't wake up til 1 AM. My head wasn't as bad but I had no desire to move out of my bed.
What happened to me on day 1? I'm assuming the no coffee. I am used to drinking multiple upon multiple large cups in the morning. Then, to go cold turkey without one about did me in. Wait, it did do me in.
Day 2: I woke up this morning feeling ok. Still a slight headache but not near as bad as the day before. I weighed myself and saw that I was down 2 pounds! What in the world! This is great! Then, ever so eagerly, I went and made me one small cup of coffee with just a tad of sugar and a little bit of skim milk. I chugged that cup down like my life depended on it. You know what? No headache today. At all. I felt wonderful. Today I was supposed to consume veggies. I had carrots for breakfast then went on a 3 mile walk/run with Robin. Returning to the grocery store, I stocked up on some more fruit and veggies for today and tomorrow. For lunch I had some soy beans (not a lot because those tend to be very starchy). For dinner, I had spaghetti squash and my one baked potato. Amazing. At first when I finished dinner, I wanted to eat more, like a handful of Cheese-Its. But I restrained and sucked on my water bottle. Now, I can honestly say I am content. I'm not full, but I'm not starving.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow after Day 3. I hope I haven't retained too much water. If anything, I am really getting in some good, clean healthy foods in my diet this week. So, let's toast our water bottles to me winning $20!
Thursday, March 6, 2014
"We performed Wrecking Ball...and everyone stared."
Scenario! And...action!
My student teacher did an activity today with our class that turned out to be hilarious and so well played out I thought to myself, "Why haven't I done this more?" We grouped our students based on their interests. We gave them a starting sentence. Quietly, they had to swap the sentence between their group to complete the story. Each person had only 30 seconds to write at a time. We had a group of three girls that are very into pop performances/boy bands/Miley. Their topic was about waking up and finding themselves on a stage in front of a crowd of screaming fans. As they came to the front of the class to share, they started out describing how they felt and used descriptive adjectives, which was huge for this group of girls. Then, the next line they read out loud caused me to choke on my water: "We performed Wrecking Ball. Everyone stared." Immediately I said, "Uh, yeah-you think!" Two other girls in our class says, "Gross!" A few boys chime in, "Ew! Miley!"
Tonight as I was thinking about my school day, I realized that those girls could have chosen any song or artist to write about or use as an example. Instead, they used Miley. And Wrecking Ball. Face palm to my head. Is this the best role model they could come up with? Is this the girl that they are idolizing? If so, what are they idolizing about her? I can't figure it out.
During indoor recess, my kids love to play on our new laptops and make videos. That has turned into a hilarious activity that leaves me laughing at the end of the day at their videos. As I was flipping through to see what they had recorded today day, I notice that one of those little girls was "performing" in one of the videos she made during indoor recess. In the video, she says, "Look. I'm Miley!" She proceeds to stick out her tongue to the side, throw up the deuces, and sticks her butt out. Face palm to my head again. (Reminder: delete said video immediately.)
What have I realized? I need to introduce my girls to some legit role models. Meredith and I were talking the other day about how girls face such a stronger sex appeal opposition today than when we did at their age. When we were in middle school, our biggest concern was if my mom was going to buy me that new sweater at A&E or if were going to be dropped off at the mall for a while to go to a movie and hang around. We all looked ridiculously awkward and...awful. I didn't know what a flat iron was or how to manage my thick mane of mine. Boobs and butt by the time I was in 7th grade? I didn't know what to do with those things! In today's world, Meredith said she doesn't notice that really being an issue with her middle school girls on a regular basis. She said it is more about who is having sex (or who hasn't had sex yet), who you are hooking up with that weekend, and passing boys around.
Excuse me? I wasn't even sure what a penis looked like at that age. It still frightens me.
Rashida Jones wrote a flippin' fabulous article in January's Glamour mag titled "Major Don't: The Pornification of Everything." As I laid in bed one Saturday night, catching up on my beauty mags, with a glass of wine, I approached this article with caution. With Hollywood being pretty liberal and all about "She's just expressing herself" crap, I was not sure what view Jones was going to present in this article. However, it was a fresh breath of air. "If 1994 was the year of O.J.'s White Bronco, 2013 was the Year of the Very Visible Vagina." Amen. Since when did bending over and licking yourself(or other humans or props) in public become ok and sexual? Pretty sure that if I lick a foam finger in front of Newbie in the middle of our favorite Mexican restaurant, he would laugh his rear off and ask what the heck was I doing...or he would bolt and head for the door. I would be willing to bet that he would not be cuddling up next to me, encouraging this behavior. There is a huge difference between showing that you are sexy and selling sex. Most celebrity women today sell sex. What example is this setting for our daughters and future generation of girls? Selling sex gets you attention. What happened to sexiness being confident in your new jeans and sweater? Where is sexiness when you busted your tail and beat your 3 mile run record? What about sexiness in a pair of jeans, boots, t-shirt and hat? Or, here is something crazy: what happened to sexiness using your smarts and wit? Flashing the vagina, boob pasties, and leaving nothing to the imagination-- Hollywood is right on track. But, can we not pull back the reins and throw a shirt on that goes below the belly button along with a pair of shorts that that reach at least your wrist? Morals...you there?
If this is warping our children's minds, can we just imagine what it is doing to women? Yes, we are intelligent enough to try to draw the line between being sexy and selling sex. We can say, "I'm no Miley, thank the good Lord." But, I would be lying if I said that her and other sexual celebrities haven't played with my mind and made me feel like I didn't measure up being sexy enough. However, I do have enough sense to bounce back, find my grind, and move on. Our only hope is to instill in our daughters that the message Hollywood sends out is not ok. Limit their viewing. Show them other role models that demonstrate beautiful confidence from their inner-self, things that they have accomplished and made a positive difference. Nothing positive comes from a public vagina.
This reminds me of the time Newbie and I were watching a football game. As a cheerleader came up on the tv before the game went to commercial, the cheerleader bent over and the camera got a nice little view of her backside and bloomers. Nice waxing by the way. Newbie paused it and played it over and over, amazing that they sports affiliate would broadcast this on public television (or so he says)...
Which brings me to this point: as for men--what is this doing for their image of women? A friend of mine lived in India for a while. She said that while she lived over there, men would approach her and automatically try to grab her boob or butt. She said that men in India were so accustomed to seeing American women project themselves in such a sexual manner--they thought that how all American women wanted to be treated. Does this bother you? Does this change your view of sexuality or what is sexy? I would hope you--men--would look past this image of being projected and promote pure beautify, confidence, and sexiness. Tell us what you value in a woman.
2014--cheers to no more visible vaginas. Hasn't your mama told you less is more?
My student teacher did an activity today with our class that turned out to be hilarious and so well played out I thought to myself, "Why haven't I done this more?" We grouped our students based on their interests. We gave them a starting sentence. Quietly, they had to swap the sentence between their group to complete the story. Each person had only 30 seconds to write at a time. We had a group of three girls that are very into pop performances/boy bands/Miley. Their topic was about waking up and finding themselves on a stage in front of a crowd of screaming fans. As they came to the front of the class to share, they started out describing how they felt and used descriptive adjectives, which was huge for this group of girls. Then, the next line they read out loud caused me to choke on my water: "We performed Wrecking Ball. Everyone stared." Immediately I said, "Uh, yeah-you think!" Two other girls in our class says, "Gross!" A few boys chime in, "Ew! Miley!"
Tonight as I was thinking about my school day, I realized that those girls could have chosen any song or artist to write about or use as an example. Instead, they used Miley. And Wrecking Ball. Face palm to my head. Is this the best role model they could come up with? Is this the girl that they are idolizing? If so, what are they idolizing about her? I can't figure it out.
During indoor recess, my kids love to play on our new laptops and make videos. That has turned into a hilarious activity that leaves me laughing at the end of the day at their videos. As I was flipping through to see what they had recorded today day, I notice that one of those little girls was "performing" in one of the videos she made during indoor recess. In the video, she says, "Look. I'm Miley!" She proceeds to stick out her tongue to the side, throw up the deuces, and sticks her butt out. Face palm to my head again. (Reminder: delete said video immediately.)
What have I realized? I need to introduce my girls to some legit role models. Meredith and I were talking the other day about how girls face such a stronger sex appeal opposition today than when we did at their age. When we were in middle school, our biggest concern was if my mom was going to buy me that new sweater at A&E or if were going to be dropped off at the mall for a while to go to a movie and hang around. We all looked ridiculously awkward and...awful. I didn't know what a flat iron was or how to manage my thick mane of mine. Boobs and butt by the time I was in 7th grade? I didn't know what to do with those things! In today's world, Meredith said she doesn't notice that really being an issue with her middle school girls on a regular basis. She said it is more about who is having sex (or who hasn't had sex yet), who you are hooking up with that weekend, and passing boys around.
Excuse me? I wasn't even sure what a penis looked like at that age. It still frightens me.
Rashida Jones wrote a flippin' fabulous article in January's Glamour mag titled "Major Don't: The Pornification of Everything." As I laid in bed one Saturday night, catching up on my beauty mags, with a glass of wine, I approached this article with caution. With Hollywood being pretty liberal and all about "She's just expressing herself" crap, I was not sure what view Jones was going to present in this article. However, it was a fresh breath of air. "If 1994 was the year of O.J.'s White Bronco, 2013 was the Year of the Very Visible Vagina." Amen. Since when did bending over and licking yourself(or other humans or props) in public become ok and sexual? Pretty sure that if I lick a foam finger in front of Newbie in the middle of our favorite Mexican restaurant, he would laugh his rear off and ask what the heck was I doing...or he would bolt and head for the door. I would be willing to bet that he would not be cuddling up next to me, encouraging this behavior. There is a huge difference between showing that you are sexy and selling sex. Most celebrity women today sell sex. What example is this setting for our daughters and future generation of girls? Selling sex gets you attention. What happened to sexiness being confident in your new jeans and sweater? Where is sexiness when you busted your tail and beat your 3 mile run record? What about sexiness in a pair of jeans, boots, t-shirt and hat? Or, here is something crazy: what happened to sexiness using your smarts and wit? Flashing the vagina, boob pasties, and leaving nothing to the imagination-- Hollywood is right on track. But, can we not pull back the reins and throw a shirt on that goes below the belly button along with a pair of shorts that that reach at least your wrist? Morals...you there?
If this is warping our children's minds, can we just imagine what it is doing to women? Yes, we are intelligent enough to try to draw the line between being sexy and selling sex. We can say, "I'm no Miley, thank the good Lord." But, I would be lying if I said that her and other sexual celebrities haven't played with my mind and made me feel like I didn't measure up being sexy enough. However, I do have enough sense to bounce back, find my grind, and move on. Our only hope is to instill in our daughters that the message Hollywood sends out is not ok. Limit their viewing. Show them other role models that demonstrate beautiful confidence from their inner-self, things that they have accomplished and made a positive difference. Nothing positive comes from a public vagina.
This reminds me of the time Newbie and I were watching a football game. As a cheerleader came up on the tv before the game went to commercial, the cheerleader bent over and the camera got a nice little view of her backside and bloomers. Nice waxing by the way. Newbie paused it and played it over and over, amazing that they sports affiliate would broadcast this on public television (or so he says)...
Which brings me to this point: as for men--what is this doing for their image of women? A friend of mine lived in India for a while. She said that while she lived over there, men would approach her and automatically try to grab her boob or butt. She said that men in India were so accustomed to seeing American women project themselves in such a sexual manner--they thought that how all American women wanted to be treated. Does this bother you? Does this change your view of sexuality or what is sexy? I would hope you--men--would look past this image of being projected and promote pure beautify, confidence, and sexiness. Tell us what you value in a woman.
2014--cheers to no more visible vaginas. Hasn't your mama told you less is more?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Dating from a Distance-One Month Later
This past weekend officially marked Newbie being gone for a month. Fortunately, his mother suggested a road trip to go visit him a few weeks ago. We decided on this past weekend so I was so excited to head back out to Oxford again. We had a great trip--I didn't make too big of a fool of myself in front of his mother during an eight hour drive there and then back, I was able to spend some one-on-one time with Newbie, see Oxford and Ole Miss, and get to know his precious mother a little bit better. Also, the stories she shared with me about Newbie and being a mother to three boys were priceless. A moment I will treasure in my heart. (Side note: before I left, my mother called to ask if I had "groomed" myself. And I did. It took me an hour to get it all done, but I was smooth and polished upon arrival in Oxford!)
Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?
Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.
I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.
Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.
And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?
After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).
1. I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.
2. Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.
3. Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!
So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.
But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2. Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3. Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4. When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5. Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.
Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.
Tonight, however, I'm not really going to write about my trip. Another topic has been circling in my mind lately and has been the topic of some conversations with my friends, coincidently. Care to take a guess?
Yeah, you're probably too tired to guess so I'll just start. Jealousy and being territorial.
I have never been the jealous type. I have always been super trusting in relationships and friendships. In the past, I never worried about girls hitting on the guy I was seeing or the guy sneaking around behind my back. Why fool around with another girl or guy when you are committed to someone else? If you are not happy in that relationship then please be honest, bow out gracefully and do your thing. Because, if you choose to take the sneaky road and hide your private business, it will come to light eventually. It's funny how small of a world it is and how people connect, talk, and share...just sayin'.
Lately, I have become more territorial. At first, I blamed it on my PMS because we all know my previous experiences of hormonal issues. (Side note: Last Monday PMS reared it's ugly head. Big time. My apologies for anyone that came in contact with me that day. Lots of tears, and a very big sarcastic-you're-getting-on-my-nerves-you-are-not-my-favorite-person attitude.) But, getting past my PMSing and continuing on with my life--it just continued. I won't say it got worse but it hasn't lessened. I talked to a good friend/co-worker about it today. She's married to a fabulous husband and a great bunch of kids (noticed I said bunch). She said she still struggles with this issue to this day. Her husband has never given her a reason to be this way--she just is. You may think, "Well, she has issues obviously." But, girls, you can't tell me somewhere in the back of your mind you don't wonder what goes on behind those private Facebook messages, text messages, and quick emails. Or, when you see a girl that you have never seen or heard and start making appearances on his social media--you turn into Carmen San Diego. Well. Carmen San Diego disappears but you start to track clues and create a timeline in your head and make up all these crazy situations. You have this sudden urge to check his texts, maybe "forget" to log out of his facebook and just filter through and see if anything catches your eye.
And maybe you don't. Bravo and kudos to you. Please tell me where you get this self control at?
After talking to some friends, I think I figured out where I'm failing at in this situation. It's pretty much a combination of different things. I'm about to get really raw and expose some skin here. So bare with me (bonus points if you caught the pun).
1. I have been totally insecure lately. Not really feeling good about myself (i.e. lack of grooming), I have found myself comparing me to other girls. I don't mean celebrities. I mean girls that I pass, meet, or friends of mine. Usually being a pretty motivated girl, I don't let this get me down too often. But, I think to myself, "Well. She's totally pretty and looks awesome in that picture. Why wouldn't he try to be with her?" And I feel like I'm speaking on the behalf of most single girls here. Maybe some married women feel this way. I'm not positive. But I know my mind has gotten to the best of me lately. It's an exhausting battle. Solution: Now, I bet Newbie $20 I could lose 10 pounds before him. Determination and goal set.
2. Not knowing the unknown. When I write this I mean not knowing the future. Not knowing what is coming next. I have had some curveballs that have been thrown in my face and knocked me out. I handled those situations the best I could but hated the hurt and growth it brought sometimes. We want to know our future. I want to know if this relationship is "it." But I don't know that. I want to know where I will be planted in the next five years (hopefully not in Spartanburg). I have all these questions that I want to know...now. But, what good is the ride or going to the movie if you already know how it's going to end? Patience hasn't been my best quality lately. However, I also know I am not a fan of hanging around or doing something knowing I could have been doing something else productive with my life. Again, another exhausting battle. Solution: Find my grind and keep going. Focus on me only.
3. Being away from my buddy. This has been the hardest, and I think it falls in line with not knowing the unknown. I went from spending weekends with Newbie and having him with me to not seeing him but once a month. Not knowing what he is doing, talking to, or anything--it's been incredibly hard. Keeping up with him is a full time job and having 500 miles between us just made it even more challenging. I am not saying I should be checking behind him because then that looks like I do not have one ounce of trust in our relationship. But the comfort of him near me isn't as regular as it used to be. Solution: Count down the days til we see each other again, and communicate!
So what makes us women so territorial when it comes to our men when they haven't even really done anything or give us a reason to be that way? Mothering instinct? Protecting what is ours? In my head, I think to myself, "Man. I am finally happy in a relationship. I have found someone that I am falling for, that makes me laugh, and everything just seems to be falling into place." The thought of someone coming between us or trying to take what is mine gives me an urgency to protect my territory. The thought of it unraveling is unsettling. Do I trust Newbie? Yes. Has it been easy? Heck no. Do I trust other girls? No, not really. As I sit here thinking about all of this, I think back to my post where I wrote about learning how to trust in a relationship again. I'm just looking at this like it's another level of learning to trust. All this isn't new to Newbie (ha-say that five times fast). I told him how I felt this past weekend because he could "see the wheels turning" in my head (he's too good). He was understanding and reassuring, like always. He probably thinks, "Good God. What have I gotten myself into?" It's something I'm working on and making an honest effort to improve from my side.
But, men, what are some things you could do to ease your woman's mind if she's like this? Just some thoughts from my end.
1. Tell her good morning and good night every day. First thing on your mind, last thing you think about before going to bed.
2. Compliment her--inside and out. Think she looks great in her outfit? Tell her. Love how she handled the rude cashier or struggling with her job? Encourage her.
3. Do something that lets her know that you are thinking about her. A text. A card. A voicemail. A post-it note on the coffee pot. Anything will do.
4. When you are with her, be with her. Listen, converse, and hold eye contact. Touch her, hold her hand, stroke her head--we notice those little things.
5. Profess your like/love for her. I'm not saying a mushy status or tweet--keep that private for your journal. But, a shoutout on social media, a throwback picture of you two...It's like you are claiming your territory, too. It feels good to know you like to brag on us, too.
Girls, are you with me? Or am I totally out on a limb here? Men- any thoughts? Am I just totally failing at this dating from a distance thing or rather this is normal and something I just have to work through? Here's to hoping next month is more practical and refreshing.
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